


Paper Dreidel

by HungLikeARainbro



Category: South Park
Genre: (dub-con is NOT between Kyman), Aged-Up Character(s), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Infertility, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Murder, Oral Sex, Rimming, Slash, Sperm Donation, will add more if i think of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 09:42:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 58,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10088063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungLikeARainbro/pseuds/HungLikeARainbro
Summary: Kyle hasn't seen Cartman for years, not since the day he confessed something ludicrous. But he's back with a child in tow and something in their dynamic has suddenly shifted.AKA how Kyle got his gay back





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Long time reader, first time writer (at least in this fandom). I hope this isn't too similar to anything else.
> 
> Inspired (but not much) by the film Paper Moon where a con-artist has to drive cross-country with his new daughter. I recommend it. Moze is hot.
> 
> To make events that happened in the past more obvious the text will change to italics. I apologise if this wrecks things for anyone on a Braille reader. I had a friend who used to smash walls over capslock but I can't remember if italics was an issue.
> 
> May contain offensive language and content blah blah this is South Park we're talking about of course it will. But this is pretty vanilla in comparison to the show.
> 
> Cartman is OOC but this will slowly be explained.
> 
> Kyle is irrepressibly hot no matter what universe he exists in.
> 
> Cartman's daughter is almost as much a psycho as he was.
> 
> This will be a moderately slow burn but the chapters are long so hopefully it won't feel like it.
> 
> There will be mentions of F/M but nothing explicit. The rating is for the eventual hot man sex.

It was the first time he had been left to watch the pharmacy alone. Actually he wasn’t really alone as the pharmacy technician was out back distributing drugs and medication and whatever the fuck else was required of her but he was the only one on the frontline and he’d only been working there a year. He felt pretty good about himself and it had been a long time coming. But there was only so much tidying and restocking shelves he could do between customers and it was a slow day even for midweek. Probably why he’d been allowed to keep an eye on the place without supervision in the first place. 

He pushed back his cropped hair, trying not to be vain enough to catch himself in the mirror meant for checking sunglasses before buying. Too late, there he was, grinning back with small neat teeth shining between full lips, a smattering of freckles draped over a (what he hoped wasn’t as big as he thought it was) prominent nose. His reflection boasted lighter hair than usual under the harsh pharmacy lighting and he looked almost blond for a moment. He was caught off guard and for the first time since he cut it, he regretted losing his trademark curls. But it had been his first act of revenge after his separation. They were his wife’s, no ex-wife he reminded himself, favourite thing about him. He kept them only because she liked them; had always hated the tangled mess. Bye-bye wife? Then bye-bye stupid fucking Jewfro, bitch.

He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about her. He tried to distract his mind by rearranging the desk, counting the lollipops in the jar next to the register, making sure there was no trash hanging around. He even contemplated getting some spray and cleaning underneath the register when he spotted a small girl pressing tear-streaked cheeks against the window from outside. Pulling a pink ushanka over her ears against the cold, she brightened when their eyes met and immediately dashed in.

“Are you a doctor?”

He was a little taken aback. “Ah, no, sorry. I’m a pharmacy assistant. Oh! But I’ve had first aid training. Is someone hurt?”

Her face had already fallen. “Daddy said not to trust strangers except doctors and policemen.”

“Well, your daddy is good to teach you that.” He crouched down, not getting too near. This kid knew enough about Stranger Danger, it seemed, to not let him get closer. “But I could call a policeman for you.”

“Really? Thank you Mr…” she tilted her head at his name badge. “Brewski?”

His laugh was loud but gentle. “Broflovski,” he translated. “But you can call me Kyle.”

Her face reddened but she held his gaze. There was something off about her, though he couldn’t quite put a finger on what. “Kyle… I need a policeman so I can find my daddy.”

“Okay. I’ll just call one.” He turned to the phone on the wall behind the desk. The child seemed to have overcome her shyness, taking a lollipop when he had nodded in response to her pointing at them eagerly, and then slipping beside him to join in the conversation. Not that there was much of one. The station seemed to be taking its sweet time. And the second they answered she seemed determined to talk to them herself, trying to snatch the phone from his hand. “Just a sec, kid, wait, hello, yes, there’s this kid that-” he tried to explain the situation to the perplexed officer on the other side when just as suddenly as she had started to act up she rushed to the window and pointed at a nondescript man across the street.

“I see my daddy, okay bye Kyle, thanks!”

And just like that she was running out the door and around the corner. He pursued her as far as the doorway stumbling against the frame and watched her disappear in a completely different direction to the one in which she had pointed. “What the hell had all that been about,” he mumbled turning back into the store. His eyes fell upon the ransacked lollipop jar and empty shelves which cold medicine had once filled. He grabbed at his hair, swearing loudly because there was no longer enough of it to tear out.

  
*******

The girl threw herself into the passenger seat of the pick-up truck, her father waiting and counting through his stash of stolen goods. “Nice work, hun. Ay! Where’d you get those?”

She pushed her own collection of stolen goods into the glove compartment. “The doctor gave them to me. Sort of.”

“Don’t take sweets from strangers. And pharmacists aren’t doctors. They’re to doctors what mimes are to legitimate actors.” He paused and glanced at the glove box. “Gimme one.”

“Whatever,” she pouted with a flick of brown hair. “He was really pretty though.”

Her father wrapped a smirk around his candy. “Pfft, uh-huh. So, what’s your new boyfriend’s name?”

“Kyle.”

His hand froze on the gear stick. There were a lot of Kyles in Colorado.

“Kyle… something weird like Brewski.”

“Broflovski???” he almost shrieked.

“Yeah, that! You know him? Ooohhh,” she grinned. “Is he a ‘special friend’?” She even air-quoted. But he just picked at the leather on the steering wheel in response. “Oh, sorry Cartman.”

“S’cool. So, pretty huh?”

“Super pretty.”

That sounded like Kyle alright.

“Hey,” he said, suddenly livelier. “Wanna go see grandma while we’re here?”

“Yeah! Grandma! Punch it, Cartman!”

*******

_“Are you fucking kidding me?”_

_Kyle Broflovski stared Eric Cartman down in disbelief. He stared back, utterly defeated by his ridiculous actions. Regretting every single moment of his life leading to this, because they had all colluded in making sure that this one failed. Because failed it had and he knew exactly why._

_Kyle had been playing basketball in just a vest and shorts outside his house on a uniquely warm May afternoon and Cartman couldn’t resist the sight any longer. He’d half-jogged, half-skipped to the driveway where Kyle had paused for a drink. “One-on-one, Jew?”_

_“No, I always beat the crap out of you and then you run home like a bitch.”_

_“Wow, so rude! Just wanted to make you look less of a loser playing by yourself. Where’s your boytoy?”_

_“If you mean Stan,” Kyle drew a breath between his teeth, “Wendy’s of course.”_

_“And Poor-boy is miles away. I’m your onwy fwend, poor Joo.”_

_Kyle flexed his muscles alluringly. “We doing this or not, fatass?”_

_Cartman’s inexorable grin was the only answer Kyle got as he gleefully slapped the basketball from his hands and ran up the so-called court. Kyle easily caught up, passed by and blocked the shot._

__

__

_“You suck, Kahl.”_

_“No, you suck, Cartman. That’s why we never play. You do your ‘screw you guys I’m going home’ thing after like ten minutes.”_

_It was true but like hell was Cartman giving in. Not when he finally had Kyle to himself. The perfect little nerd had barely left his house all year, their_ final _year. Determined to earn his place at whatever college he’d applied to. Cartman hadn’t been privy to that information. Cartman didn’t hear a lot from Kyle anymore. He’d grown tired of the berating and the offensive remarks. Horrifying from a little kid, sure, but not at all tolerable from someone approaching adulthood. They only spoke when forced together at school, or when Kenny (unrelenting in his pursuit of Cartman’s good side, the role Kyle once shared with him) insisted on not leaving Cartman out of a group activity._

_Stan had been just as eager to cut Cartman out and he fucking hated him for it. Knew it was mostly because of the jealousy Stan held – that he and Kyle did have some secret little bonds that his hippy ass couldn’t comprehend. But that was all friends, wasn’t it? You had different friends for different needs._

_But Cartman had no interest in being Kyle’s friend anymore, not for a long time. Not since he’d started looking for constellations in the freckles on his face and purposely brushing against him next to the school lockers so that his curls glanced his chin – right up until Kyle went through a growth spurt and evened things up between them._

_Right now he was fairly certain he could burst just from Kyle dancing in front of him trying to bat the ball away from him. It was the closest they’d been for years, and their longest conversation outside of school work. And he was smiling. Enjoying himself – enjoying himself with Cartman._

_So naturally Cartman fucked it up and leant forward. Kyle stumbled back and would’ve fallen on his ass if Cartman hadn’t abandoned the ball in favour of grabbing his arms. The proximity was too much and Kyle pushed away. Their eye contact barely broke until then, when Kyle couldn’t bear the genuine hurt in Cartman’s eyes._

_“I love you.”_

_That was when Kyle had started on him. “Are you fucking kidding me? All the bullshit you’ve put me through? All the crap you’ve said, thought, believed!”_

_“I didn’t!”_

_Kyle gave him a pointed look._

_“Okay I kinda did but I was a mess, I’m fucked up, Kyle.”_

_"No, no that shit works when you’re eight Cartman, not goddamn fourteen, fifteen, fucking_ now. _Weren’t you on arson just last year?”_

_“No-one was in the building,” he smirked. Wrong move._

_“You’re fucking ridiculous, Cartman. And I’m done with you.”_

_“But I lo-”_

_“Yeah well, thanks. I’m flattered I guess. But I’m not dating someone who’d probably put Dacaux jokes in our wedding vows.”_

_“That’s not a bad idea. And it’s cute you’re thinking that far ahead.”_

_“Grow up.” Kyle escaped into his house. Cartman considered taking the basketball home. Give an excuse for Kyle to come to him. But he got the feeling Kyle would happily avoid him forever for the price of a damn ball._

*******

_“Kyle you look so fucking hot,” Kenny grinned._

_“Kenny, if you fucking French me I’ll- goddammit get off,” Kyle growled as Kenny pawed at his suit._

 _Kenny moaned. “Sooooo hoooottttt. Be my prom date?”_

_He already kind of was. They were both going stag, hoping to pick up any desperate girls at the end of the night. At least Kenny was. Kyle wasn’t into ruining his night being a last-chance saloon for dumped women. He just wanted to dance with friends, drink the punch (very likely to be spiked especially with Kenny and Craig around) and tuck away into his memories all the people he was probably never going to see again. He had no desire at all to come back to South Park after college._

_Stan was having a painfully poignant night with Wendy, who of course looked beautiful. They’d agreed to date other people at college and meet up afterwards if they were both single to see if there was still anything there. Kyle was on standby for when Stan inevitably cried and threw up at the end of prom. Craig and Tweek were adorable as the only gay couple, and whenever he looked at them he felt a weird pang. Cartman hadn’t gone to prom. He waited for him to turn up, had actually hoped to make amends for how harsh he’d been. Cartman at least deserved a proper ‘thank you but no’. That it was sweet but Cartman’s feelings were misguided, they had to be. At least, he didn’t act like a normal human being in love. But when had Cartman ever embraced normal?_

_When Kyle went outside to hold a sobbing Stan, he found out Cartman_ had _gone to prom. He’d sat outside in his mom’s car, listening to the muted music from the gymnasium. The moment Kyle had spotted him, he fired up the engine and screeched out of the lot._

*******

_Cartman graduated, barely, and Kyle looked out for him as Wendy gave her Valedictorian speech. It had been a close call between them, and he was actually a little relieved she won. As great as it would have looked on his application, he would never have been able to give a speech about bright futures and past friendships without feeling awful for Cartman. And it was stupid. This was exactly the sort of shit he’d meant. He didn’t owe Cartman for his shitty life, he wasn’t his babysitter. But he cared, he cared so fucking much._

Deep down you’re so smart, Cartman, and witty and you can be fun, really. Don’t waste your life. 

I won’t forgive you if you do.

_He needn’t have worried about the speech. Cartman never turned up._

*******

_Kyle wished that the last time they saw one another had been in the parking lot of the school. It was the kind of scene that belonged in a teen movie where a character does something brash or tragic and then they drive off listening to some emo crap with rain running down the windshield._

_The last time was far less inspiring. Kyle had been walking home from his last basketball practice. The team were planning to meet up later for a proper send-off and he wanted a shower at home. His clothes clung to his skin and rasped uncomfortably. He looked up at Cartman’s house when he walked past. He always did. And for the first time, he was there, sat at the window as if waiting. Kyle smiled as warmly as he could, held up his hand in a friendly hello. Cartman pulled the curtains closed. Not angrily or dramatically. As if he hadn’t even seen Kyle. That it was just getting to that time of day when curtains needed closing._

_Kyle left South Park for college the very next day._

_Cartman ran away the day after._

  
*******

Kyle shivered against the mountain town breeze cutting through his bones, trying not to feel too shit about the curt goodbye offered by his co-worker as they finished locking up. The call to his boss had been worse, but at least phones couldn’t glare. And the police officers sent to investigate and take away the security footage as evidence had done everything short of laughing in his face. Robbed by a child; that’s gonna be one to tell down the precinct for months to come.

His cell phone throbbed into action and Stan’s name flashed on the display. “S’up dude,” he sighed.

“Oh, just my wife. As in knocked.”

“You fucking serious?” Kyle fell against the doors. The pharm. tech. had already left and there was no-one to grab and scream at their face in delight. Actually, she was the last person he’d get away with doing that to, so probably a good thing she was gone. He kicked a small flurry of snow instead. “That’s epic dude, congrats!”

“Hey, well I mean, it’s all thanks to you.”

There was a pregnant pause, so to speak.

“Sorry dude, I didn’t mean to make you feel weird.” Stan’s voice trailed off.

Kyle kicked some more of the snow aside. “It’s not that dude. Had a shitty day at work, that’s all. Gonna go home and eat my own weight in ramen.”

Stan chuckled, “Sounds like a good night to me. But you should come over soon. You live like ten blocks away and we never catch up.”

“We’ll catch up even less once there’s a baby, you know.”

“No way, you’re our free babysitter.”

“You fucking wish!” Kyle began to make his way home, chatting eagerly and unaware of the figure watching from across the street, puffs of misty breath curling around their face. As soon as Kyle was out of sight, they hurried away throwing their body into the pick-up around the corner.

“Well?”

Cartman sat quietly, still a little breathless from the cold. That’s what he was telling himself it was.

“Told you he was pretty,” his daughter shrugged, handing him a lollipop.

“Yeah.” 

“Hey, if he’s not a ‘special friend’, does that mean I have a shot?”

“Oh my God, Addie, don’t talk like that. You’re fucking eight.” Gathering his seatbelt, Cartman started up the car. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

*******

_Cartman had never needed a fake I.D. It wasn’t so much that he looked old enough to be in a bar, just that no-one ever dared call him out on it. Most knew Cartman by reputation, so that night he easily slumped over his drink and sucked up a cigarette as if it were the only one he had without question. In fact he was a regular at this particular dive and the barkeep had sympathetically pushed a shot towards him the moment he had entered. He’d missed his own prom when he was younger. Knew how it felt._

_Cartman was mildly aware of a pair of eyes on his back half-hour into his night of feeling sorry for himself, and cursed under his breath when the owner parked on the next stool. Some woman with actually quite fetching azure eyes, ruined by hair that was bleached to death and make-up to rival a clown. “You all alone tonight, Big Guy?”_

Oh wow, here we go _, thought Cartman using all his composure not to roll his eyes in front of her._

_“I was, but then someone went and spoilt it.”_

_“Aw, don’t be like that,” she cooed leaning forward and then yelping suddenly._

 _Cartman retrieved his wallet from her hand. “Don’t hustle a hustler, girl. But not bad. Barely felt you.”_

_“Hmm, do you want to?”_

_“Not my type.”_

_“What_ is _your type?_

Prissy little Jew boys _, Cartman smirked to himself. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t thought about woman. They just always turned into_ him _. He was obsessed was the problem. Had no idea if he were gay or bi or whatever. Just fucking Kyle-sexual. Even if he were interested, leaving with a woman like this he’d probably lose the shirt on his back if he wasn’t careful._

_Fuck it. He was depressed and it was prom night and no fucking way was he ending it a virgin._

_He handed his keys to the barkeep, not wanting to give his prom-date the opportunity to run off with his car, and followed her to a hotel._

_He woke up exactly as he thought he might – alone, and a wallet and nutsack of sperm lighter._


	2. Chapter 2

Kyle heard the jangle of the bell above the pharmacy door and turned to give a gracious nod to his new customer. He had retail blindness – where his mind barely registered the face having done so much greeting over his career and it was only when the customer’s gruff voice hit his ears that recognition occurred.

“Hey, Kahl.”

“Eric Fucking Cartman,” Kyle laughed. It had literally been years. When Kyle ended up (reluctantly) back in South Park, reconnecting with old friends had been his first thought. _If I have to live in this shit hole then I want some other turds with me._ Virtually everyone was gone; Bebe was around, had some kind of receptionist job; Wendy and Stan were here, of course; Craig and Tweek worked in the coffee shop; Kenny was long gone, fucking his way ‘cross-cuntry’; and he heard conflicting stories about everyone else.

Cartman was by far the biggest mystery. Kyle had run into his mother when she had purchased a few work-related items from the pharmacy. All she could offer Kyle (besides herself, and quite fiercely at that – he’d been awfully embarrassed by her flirting) was that Cartman stopped off to see her every now and then. He had no number for her to call, at least not one he was offering up.

To hear him now, see him now, after all these years, Kyle could’ve teared up.

And he might have done if not for the small girl pressed against Cartman’s side. “Hey Kyle!”

“You son of a bitch, Cartman!”

“Whoa whoa,” Cartman held up his hands, “there are ladies present, Kahl.”

Anger curled deep in the pit of Kyle’s stomach. God he wanted to smack that shit-eating grin off his face. He knew he’d seen that kid’s face before. She was practically his clone at that age, minus a few pounds.

“What do you want?” 

Kyle jumped at the stack of notes Cartman slammed onto the cash desk in reply. “Addie and I felt bad about what happened, so here’s your cut.”

Kyle was incensed. “I don’t want your fucking drug money, asshole.”

Cartman shrugged, taking it back without question. “At least let us take you out to dinner. Catch up on old times.”

“No way!”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re paying in drug money!”

“Fine, you pay,” Cartman sighed. Kyle was trembling with fury. He placed his hands next to Kyle’s. “I swear to God, mine and yours, I didn’t know you worked here. I’m not that much of an asshole.”

“Yeah, you are,” Kyle joked, relenting slightly.

“C’mon dude. Tell you what you can tell Addie embarrassing shit about me from when I was a kid.”

Kyle snorted and eyed the child carefully. She was eating a lollipop again. When the hell had she swiped that? Kid was good, no mistake.

Finally he took a good look at Cartman. Aside from the beginnings of a beard, he looked exactly the same as he had the last time he saw him at that window. Brown hair mussed to the side, round boyish face and large square body though he seemed to have swapped a few layers of fat for muscle.

Sense told Kyle to leave him be. He clearly hadn’t changed, not if the robbery was anything to go by.

But he had a hundred questions for him, and at least half were some variation of ‘holy fuck when did you get a kid’.

“Fine.”

“Awesome,” Cartman’s eyes crinkled from his huge smile and Addie reflected the expression naturally. “What time do you get off?”

“Six, but I need to change. There’s an Italian place around the corner called Fanelli’s. Book a table in my name. They know me. Say for 7.30?”

“See you then.” Cartman shot his fingers at him. “By the way, your hair sucks.”

“Your beard sucks,” Kyle pouted but Cartman’s smile wasn’t disappearing any time soon.

And somehow Kyle found that warming.

*******

_“Dude, medical school is fucking hard.”_

_“Okay one, duh it’s medical school. And two you’ve been there like a month.”_

_True, but shit, Kyle already felt overwhelmed. Stan could be a little more comforting. He sighed into his phone, “Any news from Kenny?”_

_“Dropped out already. Got caught fucking a lecturer. Now he just lives with Token.”_

_“Token?” Kyle ducked his head into the communal fridge. Five students and not a single piece of food. Yep, this was college alright._

_“Yeah, his parents didn’t want him living on campus so he has his own place.”_

_Kyle combed his curls back with his fingers, getting them caught of course. “Holy shit, must be nice to be that rich.”_

_“Yeah well if they ever find out Kenny’s mooching off them Token will have hell to pay.”_

_“No shit, yeah. Oh dude hang on, Shari wants a beer.”_

_“Ooooooh, who’s Shari?” Stan snickered._

_“Okay, you know how my mom knows every Jewish person ever?”_

_“Haha, yeah.”_

_“Shari is the daughter of a friend of a friend of a friend, and so on, and she’s in my class. So mom tried to make us have Jewish babies together or some crap like that.”_

_“So… not interested?”_

_“She’s cool but c’mon dude it’s my first year. I want to have fun.”_

_“What like sleeping around? Like you’d ever do that, Kyle. You’ll hole yourself up in your room with your studies. The only spine that’ll arch in your presence will be a book’s.”_

_“Dude, weak.”_

_“Prove me wrong, Super-Bestie, prove me wrong.”_

_Kyle slammed the cupboard he’d been rooting through shut. “I fucking will.”_

_As if it would demonstrate to Stan he was sincere, Kyle slept with Shari that very night. It only served to make things awkward in their budding friendship, but they both agreed at a later date not to make a big deal and carry on as before. And so Kyle tried to balance dates and school work. It was exhausting and he had no idea how anyone could do it. Shari seemed to manage it however and they both talked for hours about their work and their dates and what was going wrong and what was going right._

_It was around Hanukkah that Kyle started to think maybe a regular arranged access to sex would make things easier and Shari seemed to agree. Sex this time seemed to work better between them. He put it down to the inexperience that had put him off being with her that first time but towards Christmas he began to realise he was just one of those people that needed an emotional connection for sex. He had that now. He had that with Shari._

_By New Year they were dating._

_On Valentine’s Day he proposed._

_In the Summer they were married._

_With hindsight, it was obviously doomed._

*******

It was only when Kyle had laid out his fourth pair of pants and ninth shirt that he realised he was acting like this was a date.

He had gone through most of his clothes easily – he couldn’t wear red or green, they made him look like a Christmas decoration when combined with his hair and besides Cartman nearly always wore red. Addie seemed to like pink. She’d been wearing it both times he met her.

Cartman had a daughter. That was surreal. How did that even happen? Kyle had just supposed Cartman was gay, considering his… whatever it was towards Kyle. He’d never dated at school – always too busy with some scheme or another – not to mention the girls in South Park were smart enough to stay away from him. As for the guys… the only gay ones were taken and Kenny only pretended to be interested in guys because he seemed to think it was funny or some shit. If anyone else was bi or bicurious, then they weren’t making it public.

In all honesty, Kyle thought Cartman was sleeping with Butters. It made sense. Butters was the only person that stuck with Cartman besides Kenny.

Last Kyle heard of Butters he was dancing in some European school and dating another dancer. A girl. Kyle had been more than a little shocked to find that out.

Still there could have been something there between them. Teenage inquisitiveness. One of many burning questions Kyle had but was too polite to ask. Who Cartman slept with and why wasn’t his business.

*******

They were waiting for him outside the restaurant. Addie was in a pink summer dress and Cartman had worn red as predicted, and Kyle was amused to find that he’d shaved. He fisted his hair shyly. Not much he could do about that. He’d been letting it grow out a little since the pharmacy fiasco but his curls wouldn’t be back for a long while.

Cartman didn’t even try to hide the fact that he was checking Kyle out when he approached. He’d gone for a duck-egg blue shirt in the end. Cartman didn’t voice any kind of approval but Kyle got the feeling that he’d chosen well when Cartman’s eyes didn’t leave his chest for some time.

“Hi Kyle,” Addie beamed and eagerly clasped his hand. “Hungry?”

“Ha yeah, they do great pasta here. I come here all the time.” He stopped himself before he got to ‘with my wife’. Because Cartman didn’t need to know that and he didn’t want him to know. There was something freeing about taking a step back into his pre-wife life. Tonight was about memories. He was going to damn well enjoy it.

*******

Mr. Fanelli greeted Kyle like an old friend and almost asked about his wife until Kyle made an ‘ixnay’ motion against his neck out of Cartman’s view. They were led to a booth, their drinks order taken and Addie happily sandwiched herself between her father and crush as she eyed the bread basket.

Cartman moved it away, causing Addie to put her chin on the table and sulk. “No way. Dear, sweet Kyle is paying for our meal and I want to get all three courses out of him.”

Kyle waited for a ‘stingy Jew’ addition to Cartman’s comment, but got none. Maybe he’d finally grown out of that.

“You’ll both eat that much, huh?”

“Addie’s lucky. She got my appetite but her mom’s metabolism.”

Kyle’s eyes lit up. Finally a segue into his first question. “Oh really? So where is Addie’s mom?”

“She died,” Addie said not even lifting her head from the table.

It was so matter-of-fact the way she said it that Kyle felt a lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry… Cartman?”

He shrugged.

“Oh, he didn’t know her,” Addie grinned. “I’m a nightstand.”

Kyle gaped at her.

Cartman gripped his forehead. “ _One night stand_. You _know_ that. You’re just mis-saying it so you’ll sound cute.”

“Did it work?” she giggled, gazing at Kyle. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

He cleared his throat. “So uh, you um…”

Cartman scoffed, “Let me help you with some of that sand, Kyle. I get a call a few years back ‘oh hey you have a kid by the way, come get her’. The rest is history.”

“Wow that’s…”

“What?” grumbled Cartman.

“Kind of admirable. Taking on a kid so suddenly.”

“Yeah well...” he shrugged off the compliment.

“So wait, Addie how old are you?”

“Was eight in February.”

“So then…”

Cartman narrowed his eyes. “Don’t you dare do the math on that.”

But it was too late. Assuming Addie was carried to term, then she was conceived… the last few weeks of school. Maybe even… around… Kyle didn’t know which one of them was redder. Maybe Cartman’s shirt made his flushed skin look worse.

They were saved by the waitress. The waitress knew Kyle, didn’t ask questions about his new dinner companion. Another reason Kyle chose a familiar place. He didn’t want to look like a gay couple out with their kid. Not that there was anything wrong with that. But you never knew what places would take offence.

They ordered a few random things to share for starters. Kyle started to order the pizza he always had but then remembered it was a night for forgetting his visits from before. The father and daughter both went for the same pasta dish. Kyle found that cute.

*******

After the disastrous start Kyle tried to keep conversation light, sticking to stories about when he and Cartman were kids, cutting out the more R-rated moments though it was apparent Cartman didn’t have much of a filter around his daughter. Still, she probably didn’t need to hear about the time he smuggled an amusement park in his ass. And definitely nothing about chilli.

Mostly it was just nice to see Cartman laughing, and laughing himself. He didn’t have much to laugh about these days. Stan and Wendy were the only light in a bleak time of his life and it was soothing to have a new outlet for fun. But the night was wearing on, and Kyle’s chest tightened with anxiety as desserts were eaten and money was exchanged and he found himself outside walking Cartman to his car, Addie piggy-backing above.

He mused on his favourite part of the evening. The starters had arrived and Kyle had teased Cartman for jumping in without saying Grace.

“Oh I’ll do it,” Addie had said, and began to recite some words very familiar to Kyle’s ears.

“W-was that a berakhot?” he stammered. “You’re Jewish, Addie? Cartman, your _daughter_ is _Jewish_?”

Cartman sipped at his water before placing his chin on his palm. “Yeah yeah, yuck it up, Fire-crotch.”

Oh man, that was so perfect, but at least it explained the lack of anti-Semitism. Cartman hadn’t seemed Cartman without it. Not that Kyle missed it.

“This is us.” Cartman gestured to a weather-beaten old truck.

Kyle nodded, feeling a little sick. “So, where are you staying?”

“Don’t know. Just gonna drive until we’re bored.”

“Dude, it’s the middle of the night.”

“It’s barely eleven.”

“At least go to your mom’s?”

“She’s… entertaining someone,” Cartman gritted his teeth.

“Well,” Kyle took a deep breath, “stay at my place. I’ve got a spare room. Plenty of food for breakfast.”

“I-”

“Please please please Cartman,” Addie squealed, half-strangling him. He looked at her best he could, then at Kyle. He wasn’t sure which pair of large sad eyes was working on him the best but there was no way he could refuse both.

“Where we going then?”

“A few blocks from here. There’s parking in front.”

“Get in.”

“You can sit in the front, Kyle,” Addie said sweetly.

“Oh thanks. But where will you sit?”

“I was thinking your lap?” she batted her eyelashes.

Cartman hauled her into the passenger seat. “That’s enough from you.”

Kyle scratched his temple awkwardly before jumping in the back. A nice slick of oil anointed his pants and he sighed. “Make a U-turn and go left,” he said through the back window and Cartman started the car. To the side, Addie fluttered her lashes at him innocently.

Tonight would be interesting to say the least.

*******

Missing the keyhole initially, Kyle’s hands shook as he unlocked the apartment door. It didn’t make any sense to be nervous. He was just inviting a friend and his kid to stay. But his home had become such a private lonely place over the months, apart from a brief tryst a few weeks ago when he had tried to make it work with his ex-wife. It was fun for a bit but the old arguments were back and he gave up.

He’d never liked solitude. Having some noise in his home was a gift from God. And Addie was adorably noisy. Everything in the apartment was fascinating and required answers. ‘Who’s that’ at all the pictures (luckily Kyle had hidden away anything with his ex-wife) and ‘what’s that’ to all the décor. She found his gaming console in record time. Shari had never allowed him to have it out before. It ruined the ambience, apparently. Now it had pride of place in the TV unit.

Cartman surveyed in approving silence.

“Okay so, Addie the spare room is over there. And Cartman, you have my room.”

Cartman flinched. “What about you?”

“Couch is fine.”

“It pulls out?” he murmured accusingly

“Well, no.”

“Then forget it. We’re fine in the spare room. We share all the time.”

“Isn’t that a little… I mean she’s your…”

Cartman was genuinely aghast. “What are you implying?” 

“Nothing like that!” He really hadn’t been. “But young girls need privacy.”

“Privacy costs on the road.”

“You’re not on the road. So just get in my bed and quit whining.”

“Your lanky ass won’t fit on the couch.”

“Well your fat ass definitely won’t.”

“Ay!”

The solution was obvious and hackneyed and Kyle felt like he couldn’t really suggest it. But Cartman wasn’t backing down. Kyle snapped, “Then we share.”

“Serious?” It was Cartman’s turn to be nervous. “Not afraid I’ll grope you in the night?”

“No, because you know I could kick your ass if you tried.”

Cartman stood warily glancing at the bedroom door. Kyle ended up laughing. “Honestly Cartman? I just don’t think you would.”

He finally nodded.

*******

Kyle balled up on his side of the bed and listened to the sound of Cartman tucking Addie in. He had wished her goodnight ten minutes ago and was tickled pink to see that she had inherited Clyde Frog. But damn that thing needed a good wash. Maybe if he mentioned it he could persuade Cartman to stay a little longer. He’d save a lot of money washing Clyde and any clothes here. And Kyle didn’t have a dryer as there’d been no room in his tiny kitchen. So the clothes would be drying for days.

Kyle couldn’t understand why he was trying to find reasons to keep Cartman here longer. Partly he was worried about a young girl living on the road, and even Cartman.

But yeah, he had to admit that wasn’t the full story. 

So what was? Still feeling guilty about a fractured friendship? One that Cartman had fractured, not him, he tried to remind himself. Why the desperation to fix it? Did Cartman even want it fixed?

He looked intently at his wedding ring on the bedside table. At the sound of Cartman opening the door, he flung open a drawer and brushed it inside.

Kyle closed his eyes, listening to the fumbling with shoes and belts and pants. The mattress dipped and they distributed the covers between them. It was far too hot for them, and for underwear for that matter. But convention dictated a level of decorum.

“Hey, now that Addie’s not here…” Cartman mumbled softly.

Kyle’s breath hitched. “Yeah?”

“Night Jew.”

Kyle smiled. “Night fatass.”


	3. Chapter 3

Addie slipped from her room early and tentatively made her way to the other bedroom door. She’d heard them both go in there last night and had lain there, waiting. But Cartman was always careful about that kind of thing. Wherever possible, Addie was far away with her grandmother when he had ‘special friends’ around. And if not then it was a case of waiting for her to sleep, being quiet, and of course Cartman always locked the door.

But Addie was far from stupid and not at all naïve, mostly thanks to her early childhood. Even if she’d never heard anything before now, she knew what sounds to expect. She’d fallen asleep that night, relieved by the silence, but fearing a locked door in the morning.

The handle gave way and she let out a thankful gasp.

Pushing the door ajar, she could see them – Cartman stretched out obviously revelling in the space of a king-size for a change and Kyle was curled up like a cat, practically sleeping on his pillow.

She clambered onto the covers and nestled between them.

*******

Kyle shifted in his sleep; a tickling bug-like sensation at his nape had disturbed him. His eyes flew open at the sound of a suppressed giggle.

“Morning, sweetie!”

_Oh my fucking god._

“Um, Addie, what are you doing in here?”

“Woke up early. Was lonely.”

“Yeah but uh… this isn’t exactly… wait, what time _is it_?” He sat up and grabbed his alarm clock. Almost nine. “Fuck fuckity fuck fuck!”

Cartman groaned, rolling away. “It’s too early, maybe later dude.” 

“No, I have somewhere I have to be today. You guys just stay here. There’s food and soda and just… try not to wreck anything.”

Cartman raised an eyebrow. Kyle was leaving known drifters alone in his apartment? He felt like burglarising him just to teach him a lesson.

*******

Kyle stood outside the mediation room feeling empowered by his lack of wedding ring. He’d worn it every hearing hoping the glint would catch Shari’s eye and her mind would be transported back to happier times and they’d call the whole divorce off and skip together hand-in-hand towards the sunset.

A pipe dream at best, and now Kyle just wanted it over and done with. The main point of contention was the apartment. Kyle had nowhere else to go as his family were back in New Jersey. Shari had a decent job, doting rich parents, friends with room to spare. Kyle was only just covering his bills. Sell the place, divvy up the money, then he could go somewhere more affordable, that’s all he was asking. She already had the car and she could have all the stuff in the apartment. He didn’t want to argue who bought what.

Okay so Shari _had_ poured more money into the place. But Kyle had fixed it up and kept it fixed up. Saved her thousands from not hiring workmen and it was worth more than when they’d (she’d) bought it.

He wasn’t even asking for 50-50. She was deliberately dragging him through the wringer.

Because of _that_. Because of _them_.

He lifted his head at the sound of the elevator down the hall. Shari and her lawyers, right on time. He straightened his back keeping his hands folded in front of him and gave a courteous greeting to them all.

He wished he could have enjoyed the look of pain on her face when she saw his bare finger.

But it just wasn’t in him.

*******

“Kyle, Kyle,” Addie yelled at the bewildered man. He’d barely got in the door when a large frying pan was shoved in front of him. “We made pancakes!”

“Technically they’re waffles that went wrong,” Cartman huffed from the kitchen.

“They look really good, Addie.” She preened at the compliment and ran back to the breakfast bar. “Good to see all my stuff is still here,” Kyle smirked.

Cartman raised an eyebrow. So he _had_ considered that possibility. “Yeah well, half your family are probably lawyers. I’m not stupid.”

Kyle just smiled to himself and watched Cartman cook around Addie’s unhelpful assistance. That was surreal too – Cartman being self-sufficient. His mom used to make his Snacky Smores for him he was so lazy. But he had to be competent on some level to have a kid, surely? Unless they really had just thrown a child at him and not bothered to check up on her. Maybe that was why Cartman was always on the move. He’d always hated jumping hoops for authority.

*******

“I don’t think Samurai Zombie Wolf Tribe is the kind of game Addie should be playing.”

“Pfft, well not this pussy-ass version. IV was way better than V.”

Addie piped up, “V has better puzzles though. I like the puzzles more.”

“Neeeeerrrrrrrd,” Cartman teased. She’d already put the disc in the machine anyway.

Kyle fretted. “Make your own profile, Addie, I don’t want to lose my data.”

“Wow Kyle, you’re on 12% completed?” Cartman gawked at him. “You _suck_.”

“I work, unlike you.”

“Ay! I work.”

Kyle settled back into the couch beside Cartman. It was like being a kid again. Cartman eating chips and bitching when Kyle tried to take some, never mind the fact that they were Kyle’s chips in the first place.

“Addie, don’t use the chainsaw.” Cartman had always been a typical backseat gamer.

“But it’s cool.”

“Yeah and when you run out of fuel it’s fucking useless. Use the katana.”

“I don’t have the katana yet. That’s the next dungeon. I have a kendo practice sword.”

That afternoon Addie sauntered through to 20% with barely a break. Kyle was jealous of her skills. In truth he’d given up on the game a long time ago when he’d gotten stuck and looked at a walkthrough online and accidentally read the spoilers and after finding out that the Sphinx Queen was secretly his mother had lost interest in completing it.

He prodded a cushion up against the couch’s arm and buried his face in deep for a nap; the death-rattle sounds of magical anthropomorphic objects (the primary enemies at the beginning of the game) an oddly soothing lullaby.

*******

Kyle woke to the feeling of Cartman’s legs shifting under his own. In his sleep he’d draped himself the length of the couch and used Cartman as a pillow for his legs. Kyle flushed red when he detected Cartman’s hand splayed around one of them – a calloused thumb caressing his calf muscle. Carefully turning his head, he could see Cartman engrossed in an old medical text book of his. It was endearing the way a dent formed between his brows and his bottom lip pursed forward as he tried to fathom the complicated language. Kyle totally got that. He quit medical school five years in, and his inability to retain anything he read was part of it. He couldn’t retain what he couldn’t even understand.

It had been completely the wrong career path for him. He was smart, but not medical smart. What kind of smart he was had yet to reveal itself.

Right now he didn’t feel smart at all letting a guy he knew had a crush on him, or used to anyway, paw at his bare flesh. He was sending the wrong message. He shouldn’t be sending messages at all.

They were both jolted out of their thoughts when Kyle’s phone emitted a tinny tune.

“Terrance and Phillip theme?” Cartman snickered. “So childish, Kahl.”

Kyle shot him a dirty look. “It’s Stan.”

“Aww, still together after all these years. So romantic.” 

_Jealous much_ , Kyle thought. His leg was horribly cold now that Cartman had hastily retrieved his hand. “Hey Stan. House-what? Oh shit, I forgot!” He was forgetting a lot of things around Cartman. “No dude, I’m totally going. But is it okay if I bring a friend and his kid?”

Cartman shook his head vehemently.

Kyle clamped his hand over the speaker. “Dude come on! Don’t you want to see his face when you turn up with a kid?”

“No."

“There’ll be a Slip ‘n Slide.”

“What’s that?” Addie was instantly piqued.

“Aw dude, Cartman, Addie’s never been on one? You can’t deny your only child a chance on a Slip ‘n Slide.”

“No.”

“There’ll be free food.”

“ _I’m not fat_.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Addie joined in, “Pleeeaaaase Cartmaaaaaannnn.”

They were both giving him their huge-eyed stares again.

“No.”

Addie’s lips thinned into a straight line. “I’ll do the thing.”

“You will _not_ do the thing,” challenged Cartman.

Kyle dared to ask, “What’s the thing?”

Cartman’s daughter took a deep breath. “Cartmyeeeeaaaaahhhhnnnnn srsleeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh!”

Holy crap, she really _was_ his daughter. Kyle winced at the high whining, hoping Stan couldn’t hear.

Cartman broke almost immediately, “Jesus Christ, fine. But no Slip ‘n Slide – you don’t have a bathing suit.”

“We’ll buy one,” Kyle said triumphantly and Cartman shut his mouth into a scowl.

*******

Kyle managed to tear the pair of them away from the console with the promise of soft shell tacos for dinner. He sure as hell couldn’t afford to take them out every night, though he did have emergency takeout money in his sock drawer for his lazier evenings. At least dinner tomorrow was sorted. Stan and Wendy were having a barbeque for their housewarming. And he couldn’t fucking wait to see their reaction when his plus-two was revealed.

Addie insisted on helping make dinner and even though Cartman assured him she was fine, Kyle couldn’t help having a miniature heart-attack when she started cutting up some of the vegetables. He relaxed when he realised that Cartman would take over each one once she got a little too close to the end, or if it was too small. Kyle was impressed with his teaching method. Had he picked that up somewhere or invented it himself? 

It was Addie’s idea to all play Poker after dinner and Kyle quickly found himself being played. Even when he took over shuffling, the pair of them clearly had some sort of system in place that guaranteed his consistent losses. That impressed him too and paved the way for yet more questions.

When he curled up in his bed that night, Cartman supine and snoring beside him, he pondered how to prise the information out of him without coming across as an invasive dick.

When he finally fell asleep, he dreamt of playing basketball on warm May afternoons.

*******

_Cartman was told to meet his mystery caller outside of a specific cemetery and was given no further instructions. So he was a little surprised to see it was a Jewish cemetery when he pulled up. At least it explained why he was so far out of town. When the caller had told him she was from South Park he had expected to meet her there. A life-worn woman was stood outside the gates and he supposed that must be her._

_“Who died and why should I care?” he introduced himself. A slap to his face was the initial answer. She snapped, “That child’s mother, that’s who.”_

_“Oh,” said Cartman, as if it were an apology. He looked over at the small figure hovering on the other side of the gate, fiddling with a large tear in her blouse. She looked a little familiar._

_The woman introduced herself. Cartman forgot her name almost instantly. She studied him carefully. “Oh for goodness sake, you’re barely out of childhood yourself. I suppose the age on here is fake too?” She handed him something he hadn’t seen for years. His old wallet, with the fake I.D. that he never needed. What a waste of thirty bucks._

 _“The fuck did you get this?”_

_“The girl’s mother.”_

_“Oh.”_

OH.

_“No fucking way, you can’t thi-”_

_She held up her hands, “All I was told is that the owner of this wallet was the father.”_

_His first time with a woman, his_ only _time with a woman, and he had to go and impregnate her. Actually if he was honest he was a little proud of his virility. Except now it had put him in a really shitty position. This woman’s intentions were obvious. “I can’t take her.”_

_“Then I’ll have to hand her to CPS. I have my girls to think of.”_

_“Girls?”_

_“Put simply, I’m a madame. And I cannot afford to keep girls who can’t work. Suffice it to say I am morally above putting a five-year-old to work.”_

_Cartman had already stopped listening. Services ruined kids in his opinion, especially ones with a background like that. But this woman was right – he was a kid himself, scraping ill-gotten money from dubious friends and living from one parking spot to another. But like most kids he knew exactly who to run to in a time of crisis._

_Someone that this child no longer had._

_She was brought over to him and up close he now knew what was so familiar about her. Faded Polaroids tucked in photo albums screamed in his mind._

_Mom._

_He knelt down and tried to ignore the freezing Fall snow dampening his pants. The woman began, “This is Adah. Adah, this is…”_

_He cut her off, “Cartman. Well, Eric really but my friends call me Cartman.” He didn’t get an answer. He wasn’t really expecting one. A few minutes later he was back in his car following theirs back to South Park. Back to South Park for the first time in six years._

*******

Kyle woke to Cartman’s hand landing on his nose. Accidentally, but he was still pissed and Cartman had the audacity to be amused. “If it wasn’t so big, I’d have missed, Kahl.” But it didn’t matter because today Kyle was dragging Cartman out of his comfort zone and into a clothes store and therefore his revenge was sound.

Cartman confessed on the way to the mall that his usual approach to clothes for the both of them was to just hold stuff up and guess and he always bought as cheaply as possible (a.k.a. stolen). Kyle had noticed Addie’s clothes were at least a size too big. Cartman was optimistically trying to get time and wear out of them. Well, the poor kid deserved something nice for a change, even if it put Kyle back in the red.

Addie had never been in a dressing room but the shop assistant helpfully escorted her to where Cartman and Kyle were banned. At least she was old enough to dress herself. Cartman had no idea what they would have done a few years ago. And they were embarrassed enough sat outside the women’s dressing rooms without the shop assistant telling Addie’s ‘dads’ that they were finished. “Oh no,” Addie corrected her. “Kyle is _my_ boyfriend.”

Cartman groaned loudly and Kyle decided to distract her by showing her the beach towels. She chose a Terrence and Phillip motif and held Kyle’s hand all the way to the checkout and all the way back to the car.

*******

_Liane Cartman wasn’t expecting a client that afternoon but she smoothed down her hair and checked her face in the hallway mirror just in case. Upon opening the door, she screamed. There was no mistaking the young man towering above her, even though he’d lost a good 50 pounds in weight and his hair straggled around his face, merging with the patches of failed beard._

_“Hey, mom.”_

_“Eric, you’re so unbelievably naughty,” she scolded in her very best angry voice. “It’s been six years, I was worried to death!”_

_“I left a note!” he reasoned._

Mom,

I’m going to go find myself or some shit. Don’t worry.

Love Eric

_“That told me nothing,” his mother sobbed loudly and he let her clamp awkwardly onto his torso. They stayed that way for a while until Cartman remembered why he was there in the first place. “I, uh, got something to show you. Don’t freak out.” He led her mutely to the passenger side of his car._

_She screamed again, albeit more enthusiastically. “Oh Eric! Poopsikins, she’s gorgeous!”_

_“You’re not mad?”_

_“I’m furious! But she’s so precious. Where did some come from?”_

_“A vagina probably. Fucking dumb question.”_

_Liane didn’t look amused. “You know what I meant.”_

_“Doesn’t matter. She’s mine now. I don’t know what the fuck to do with her.”_

_“Well for one thing you don’t leave a child alone in a car.”_

_He rolled his eyes and grumbled, “I took the keys and locked the door, she’s fine.”_

_“And if she needed to get out in an emergency?”_

_“Well fuck I can’t be expected to think of everything.”_

_“You’re a parent now, hun. You have to.” Cartman chose to ignore her. He came back for help and advice not criticism. He unlocked the door and reluctantly prodded the child awake. “Oh sweetie don’t do that. Just carry her inside.”_

_He grimaced at his mother. He had avoided touching Adah ever since they met, he definitely wasn’t picking her up. Why he avoided it he wasn’t entirely sure. Afraid of hurting her maybe. He was fairly strong, had been known to over-pet his cats frequently._

_Or maybe holding her would make the whole thing suddenly real._

_Adah palmed her eyes sleepily as Cartman and Liane came into focus. “Hey Adah, this is my mom. Uh, your grandma I guess.”_

_“Oh poopsie, you could have picked something younger-sounding for me. Honestly! Nice to meet you, Addie.”_

_Neither of them corrected her. They liked the mistake better._

*******

_“What do I feed her? And like when, how much?”_

_“She’s not a Mogwai, sweetie.”_

_Maybe not, but Cartman was as wary as if she were. They were all in the kitchen and Addie had been watching Liane make gingerbread cookies upon her son’s request. She was fascinated and timidly accepted the task of cutting out the shapes. Cartman was relieved as it was the most animated he’d seen her._

 _He narrowed his eyes._ Her mom just died she’s not exactly gonna be dancing and singing showtunes, dumbass.

_Cartman had led Liane aside to talk about her. “Mom, I’m super-cereal here. The fuck do I do? I can’t take her with me.”_

_“Stay here, just for a few days, hun. We’ll figure something out. In the meantime, you need feeding up. Both of you.”_

_A decent meal sounded good but a few days had better stay a few days. He was already antsy about being stuck in South Park. The longer he stayed, the more likely that he might run into someone he knew. He heaved a sigh and looked over at the little girl stabbing eye holes into the gingerbread men gleefully._

_Definitely his daughter._

*******

The closer they got to Stan’s house, the more withdrawn Cartman seemed to get. Kyle had noticed that Cartman wasn’t as exuberant as he’d been that first day they met again. He’d put the second day’s quietude down to being stuck indoors but now he was starting to wonder if Cartman was a little down. Or maybe he’d outworn his own welcome and Cartman wanted to get the hell away from him already.

Even outside the house, Cartman rocked back and forth on his heels, clenching his fingers at his side. Kyle gave him his brightest smile and rang the bell. There was a small commotion inside and Wendy, looking barely a day older but six months of baby fatter, threw open the door. “Hi Kyle yo- OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THAT ERIC CARTMAN?!”

“Hey, Testaburger. I assume it’s still that and the hippy took _your_ name like a good little feminist.”

“Still an asshole, I see,” but Wendy took the comment as banter and to Cartman’s surprise and dismay she hugged him. “Where the hell have you been? No-one’s seen you in years. What happened to you?”

“Well this happened, for one thing,” he motioned to Addie.

“Holy sh- I mean, is she… what?”

“I know, right?” Kyle giggled. “Ads, say hi to Aunt Wendy.” Addie, ever the perfect little actress, ducked shyly behind Cartman’s arm and shook her head.

Wendy melted instantly. “Aww!”

They were led inside and Wendy was thrumming with excitement. “I can’t wait to tell Stan about this. Stay here.”

Kyle tugged at Cartman’s t-shirt, “I told you this would be fun!” Cartman was never very good at hiding his displeasure but he tried to gather up a small smile for him. Kyle beamed back, still holding his shirtsleeve. 

There was a high yelp from the other side of the house and a pounding of feet before Stan slid into the hallway, slamming into the opposing wall. “Holy crap…” he stared at them. Before Cartman could make another smartass reply, Stan grabbed him into a hug too. “Dude it’s been like _forever_. Kyle where’d you find him?”

“Long story dude. And I’d rather tell it over some burgers.”

“Yeah no shit,” Stan grinned, surveying father and daughter. There was a lot to catch up on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you attempting to read this all in one go? That's sweet but this is a reminder to grab something to drink and/or eat if you haven't already. Got any meds due? Go do that before you forget!

_Cartman hung out in his old bedroom listening to the sounds of splashing and giggling in the bathroom. Grandmotherhood seemed to come quite naturally to Liane and he knew that this kid was going to be even more spoiled than he was, if that were possible._

_Still, it felt weird to be home. His room had been cleaned, but otherwise untouched. Everything was exactly where he left it, even that stupid half-assed note. He rummaged through his wardrobe, disturbed that his old clothes were hanging loose on his body. He hadn’t even noticed the drop in weight. Being poor had been the best diet in the world, no wonder Kenny was so willowy. He slipped on some old sweats and decided to do himself the favour of having a snack._

_He hadn’t even bitten into his sandwich when his mother called him to wish Addie goodnight. He clumped up the stairs and hovered in the hall. Liane was tucking Addie and Clyde Frog into his bed. “Say goodnight to daddy,” Liane cooed. They gave her the same exact look of consternation._

 _“Night kid,” he mumbled from the doorway and left them to it._

_“Why does she have Clyde Frog?” Cartman growled once his mother reappeared downstairs._

_“She wanted something to cuddle.”_

_“But that’s_ my _Clyde Frog!”_

_“Goodness me, Eric, you’re 24 years old!” She found his fuming hilarious, particularly when he complained that she wouldn’t know how to make Clyde Frog’s tea the way he likes it._

*******

_Flicking through the channels until he found a suitably gory and camp horror movie, Cartman finally relaxed. Rooting through his mom’s stash had helped too. Weed wasn’t a commodity he could afford these days. If he was going to choose between food and a buzz, he’d stick with beer. Weed just made him hungrier and annoyed that he hadn’t chosen food to begin with._

_Now he had a kitchen full of snacks and a mother that wouldn’t be happy until he weighed the same as a pygmy hippo again, so he might as well take advantage. He gathered up his supplies, lit up a second blunt, and buried himself in the soft cushions with a blissful sigh and a purring cat (Mr. Kitty the fifth – there had been a few accidents) on his lap._

_“Why did that lady’s head explode?”_

_Cartman’s popcorn flew up in the air as he scrambled for the remote and stubbed out his smoke. Last thing this girl needed was a contact high. “What the fuck, kid? Go to bed.”_

_“Why though?”_

_“Because it’s bedtime.”_

_“I meant the exploding.”_

_Cartman rubbed his face wearily. “Because that’s what happens when you get shot in the face. At least in movies.” Addie clambered up beside him. “You’re not watching this movie. It’s for grownups.” She scooped up a handful of popcorn. “I fucking mean it.”_

_By the time the credits rolled, Addie was tucked up against his side sucking her thumb; Clyde Frog squashed between them._

*******

“Kyle, that Slip ‘n Slide is for the kids. The manufacturer even says adults shouldn’t use it beca-”

Stan’s words fell on deaf ears as Kyle bowled himself towards the neighbours’ children. They dived out of the way just in time, screaming with delight, and then lined back up so he could do it all over again. Addie was in charge of the whole game, of course, having immense fun bossing them all around. Even the older kids were scared of her.

Stan gave up warning them, and did his best to ignore his neighbours glaring at him and Kyle, and carried on turning the burgers and hotdogs over. Cartman cleared his throat. “You’re turning them too much. You lose all the juice that way.”

“Oh? You cook, Cartman?” Stan laughed.

“I _read_ ,” he answered.

“Huh.” The conversation stilled and Cartman sipped his soda thoughtfully. He didn’t have much else to say. Kyle had enthusiastically told Stan and Wendy as much as he knew about Cartman’s circumstances (leaving out the part where he robbed his ass) and Cartman wasn’t interested in expanding further. Besides, there was a slippery Kyle in full view and he wasn’t going to miss a second of it.

“It’s a shame Ken couldn’t make it. It would have been great to have the old gang together,” Stan said wistfully. “I think he’s doing Community College somewhere. Token would know. Where’s he gone?”

“Token’s here?”

“Who do you think the black kids belong to?”

“Well I didn’t want to look like a racist, Stanley, gawd.” They both sniggered. It turned out they weren’t even Token’s, they were his girlfriend’s children. He was dating a cougar and loving it.

“Seriously guys, those kids are teenagers already. I mean it’s not physically impossible but gross,” said Token when Stan called him over and told him what they were laughing about. Cartman wasn’t going to judge. He was one of the youngest people at the party, with one of the oldest kids.

“So what’s up with Kyle?” asked Token. “You said he was depressed as hell lately.” They watched Kyle tearing up and down the yard being pelted with water balloons. “Looks okay to me?”

Stan chuckled, “He’s definitely enjoying himself, that’s for sure.”

“He’ll be a great dad someday," Token added.

“Yeah,” said Stan and Cartman softly, for entirely different reasons.

*******

Kyle finally let his old age get the better of him and slunk back to the other grownups. “Beautiful day, right?” He shivered now that he was stuck in the shade.

“Fucking moron,” Cartman sighed and draped Kyle’s towel around his shoulders for him. “I’m starting to think I brought two kids here.” Token gave Stan a sharp nudge and a ‘are you fucking seeing this’ look. Stan _was_ fucking seeing it – Kyle grinning like an idiot as Cartman towelled his hair affectionately. The cogs slowly turned in Stan’s mind. Cartman and his daughter were staying for a few days. Kyle only had one spare room. Kyle was recently separated and had been down for months. Today he’s all sunshine and rainbows. 

_No freaking way. Right?_

Kyle went inside to change into a dry shirt and Cartman made up some burgers for him and Addie. Addie insisted on having everything the same as Kyle, and soon the three of them were sat together on a bench, under Stan and Token’s discerning eyes and whispers of ‘are they fucking???’.

Cartman wrapped Addie’s towel around her to keep her warm as she ate. “You know you assholes don’t deserve burgers, right?”

“You’re not still bitchy about the car ride are you?” Kyle mumbled between bites.

“Damn right I am.”

Kyle had made an attempt to cheer Cartman up on the way over. Nudging Addie from the back of the pick-up, she turned innocently to her father. “Hey Cartman, Kyle taught me an awesome new song. Want to hear it?”

“Sure, hun.”

Wait no. Kyle wouldn’t, would he?

“I’mmm saaaaailiiiiiiing awaaaaaaay!”

He fucking would.

“Oh no! I can’t remember the rest of the words,” Addie gasped, completely hamming up her lines. “Oh well.” She watched with glee as Cartman spluttered and whined, grasping the steering wheel with all his might. He lasted a valiant 25 seconds before bursting into the rest of the song. Kyle almost laughed himself sick.

*******

_He had to get out of there. It had only been a week but he could feel the town closing in around him. He had to keep moving. Staying still meant staying the same. You might as well be dead. And South Park sure felt like death to him. Every place felt like death to him after long enough._

_He couldn’t do this. Shit, the kid had grown on him and he missed his mom and his cat but he couldn’t_ do _this._

_He flung a pile of clothes in a suitcase and dragged it out to his car in the dead of night._

She’ll be fine _, he repeated to himself. It was practically a mantra in his head by this point. His mom knew way more about this kind of thing. He was a fuckup, a fuckup that could barely take care of himself let alone a small child. No, better off here, better off with her grandma. The kid will go to school and make friends and play at Stark’s Pond and join a sports team or drama club or whatever. He’d call in now and then. Or try to. Maybe she’d forgive him, eventually. He’d go to her graduation. He should go to at least one in his life._

_He couldn’t stay. He had a job to do. Or rather shady deals to make. He couldn’t do that standing still. He couldn’t do that with a child hanging around._

_That’s not a life for a small child_.

It’s not really a life for me either but life’s shit like that.

_Going from job to job, in both senses of the word. Sharing spoils with the criminal underworld, and sharing their bed too. Never love, of course not. He was just a warm mouth and a tight ass of convenience. It was the way of things. It wasn’t all bad. Sometimes he got a favour or two back. But he needed to be on-call, effectively. Children limit that kind of availability._

_The best thing for both of us._

_He slowly pulled out of the driveway and turned onto the road. He couldn’t even bring himself to take one last look at his childhood home. The home where he was leaving the only people he had in the world._

_A flash of green against his windshield brought his foot down on the brakes._

What the fuck?

_The next thing he knew was Addie slamming her tiny fists at his side window bawling as loudly as her lungs would allow. He prised the door open, letting her step back out of the way, and stared down at the corpse of Clyde Frog. Goddammit, he knew she wouldn’t treat him right._

_“Addie,” he sighed, “I have to go. I have stuff to do. You won’t_ like _living on the road. It won’t be fun. You’ll be better off with Grandma.”_

_She sniffed quietly. Then, she tentatively picked up Clyde Frog and offered him to Cartman. He rubbed the back of his neck. “What are you doing that for?”_

_“Clyde Frog missed you. He doesn’t want to be lonely again.”_

_Cartman was no child psychologist, but there was no mistaking the quiver in her voice. “I missed you too, Clyde Frog. And it is kinda lonely on the road.” He reached out his hand. “Come on, let’s go.”_

_“Where?”_

_“Get you packed up. And we should probably say goodbye to Grandma this time or she’ll have my nuts.”_

*******

Kyle swirled the dregs of his soda before downing it. Almost everyone had gone home and it was so late even the moths attacking the lanterns were tired. Stan and Wendy had distracted the children with cartoons and ice-cream indoors and most had fallen asleep as the evening wore on. Now they were all gone and Addie had the couch all to herself. Stan and Wendy had excused themselves to bed a while ago and asked Kyle to lock up when he went. As Super-Bestie, he had the privilege of a spare key.

“Totally passed out,” he told Cartman as he joined him back outside on the bench.

“Shit, you don’t think she’s got heatstroke, do you?”

“She’s fine, Cartman,” Kyle reassured him. He nodded but his brow was still a little furrowed. Kyle leant over him to reach into what was once the ice bucket but was now the cold water bucket. “What’s your poison?”

“Any soda will do.”

Kyle gave him the first one his hand found and they sat there passing it back and forth between them, gazing out at the night sky. South Park only got a few weeks of decent summer weather. They weren’t going to waste a beautiful night like this. “If I’d known we were sharing,” Cartman began suddenly, “you could have had a beer.”

“Nah. Actually, I haven’t drunk all day. Been sticking to soda and juice like you.” He paused for a moment. “Do you actually drink at all? You only had water at the restaurant. And you haven’t had any of the beer in my refrigerator.”

“I’m driving most of the time, so I just sort of don’t drink. And even when I get the chance I don’t really feel like it. I didn’t give a shit before but since Addie… well I don’t want to be one of those shitheads who kills their kid over a buzz.”

“That’s good, Cartman. Though you should have cared before too,” he pointed out.

Cartman passed back the can. “Why aren’t you drinking? I’m the one driving us home.”

Kyle bit his lip. “I didn’t want you to think I was saying this because I was drunk.”

Cartman swallowed down another sip. “Saying what?”

“I want you to stay with me.”

He swallowed again.

“I’ll be honest,” Kyle continued, glad that the darkness was disguising his crimson cheeks, “I’m not sure how long I’ll have my apartment for. I’m having some trouble lately. But for as long as I have it, you’re welcome to stay. I mean, well like I said I want you… to.”

Cartman felt the world fall away underneath him. Kyle asking him to stay. Wanting him to stay. 

_But I can’t._

“I’ll stay as long as I can.”

“What does that even mean?

“If you want an answer that’s all I can give you. Sorry. I don’t have a crystal ball. I don’t know where I need to be one week to the next.”

“You don’t need to do that kind of shit anymore. I’ll take care of you.”

“I’m not a stray puppy, Kahl, I’m fine. _We’re_ fine.”

Kyle hugged his knees. “I know that. I just meant that…” He was going to have to be more obvious. “The other reason I wanted to stay sober tonight is I didn’t want you to think I was being impulsive when I…”

“When you what?”

“When I did this.” He gripped Cartman’s shirt and pulled himself up to press their lips together; softly, chastely at first, gauging his reaction. He smirked when he heard the soda can hit the floor. Cartman’s fingers teased the short fuzz of his hair and the cold condensation from the drink made Kyle shiver. Or maybe it was the way Cartman pulled him forward to gain purchase and delve deeper into his mouth. Either way, he cursed their need for oxygen and when they broke apart he cupped Cartman’s face as if to make sure he wasn’t going anywhere. Just the mild threat of it earlier had made him wary. That Cartman might just suddenly disappear on him. Again.

*******

They were there for a while kissing and teasing like lovesick teens, partially because that was where they had left off, before they eventually realised they couldn’t stay there forever. Responsibility called.

Cartman heaved his daughter gently into his arms and Kyle scuttled around picking up their things and making sure the house was up to code before leaving. Cartman watched him packing up his sports bag with their towels and thought the whole scene to be pleasantly domestic. Maybe that was too optimistic.

Addie would have been livid to know that she finally got her wish of sitting in Kyle’s lap in the car but was too unconscious to experience it. She didn’t even wake when she was bumped against her father’s chest as he lugged up the stairs, or when she was carefully deposited onto her bed or when Cartman slipped the fresh clean Clyde Frog under her covers.

In his room, Kyle stripped down to his underwear. He was shaking from anticipation, possibly nerves, but mostly excitement. He didn’t know what to expect when Cartman came in. Lots more kissing, hopefully. Expecting anything more might be a bit presumptuous. Kyle had a vague idea what to do. He’d always planned to experiment in college but well… things happened.

But more importantly was Cartman’s feelings. He’d done a total 180 on Cartman and it was a lot to process. For both of them. 

Not to mention there was an impressionable and precocious little girl the next room over.

Kyle jumped when he heard the door open and he met Cartman’s adorably bashful gaze. He noticed Cartman’s hand suspended above the lock. He simply nodded, Cartman clicked the door shut, and within three strides was in Kyle’s arms.

*******

The sunlight was harsh against Addie’s eyelids and her throat burned with thirst. Stumbling out of the room, dragging Clyde Frog behind, she fetched a drink of water and curled up on the couch. It was too early in the morning for the decent cartoons and she channel-hopped for a long time looking for anything slightly interesting. She gave up, yawned, and decided to go snuggle up with Kyle again.

The handle stood fast and for a moment she was confused. And then it dawned on her. Large tears pooled on her eyelashes. No no, _anyone_ but _Kyle_.

She ran back into her room clutching Clyde Frog to her chest, heart hammering away. “What do I do, Clyde Frog?”

“Grownups do this kind of thing all the time. It doesn’t mean anything,” said Clyde Frog, in a voice that in no way sounded like Addie speaking out the corner of her mouth.

“I guess.” But she wasn’t really comforted. “But what if it _is_ super-cereal?”

“We’ll think of something.”

“I don’t want to hurt Cartman. He’s been really awesome.”

“So we have to find a way to split them up but not hurt them. Don’t worry. I’ll come up with a great plan. Just give me a few days.”

If Disney had taught Addie anything it was that a few days was plenty of time to get super-cereal about someone. “Okay,” she reasoned and held Clyde Frog tighter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yarr here be sexings (in a bit) to be sure, first some mild fluff

Relishing in the comfort of his cotton sheets, Kyle reflected on one of the most awesome days of his life. More importantly – how it had _ended_. He tucked his arm under his head, knowing that his alarm would go off any time soon. Cartman had been lucky, they both had, that he turned up in time for his two days off. As much as he would have loved to have stayed in bed that morning and have Cartman’s mouth on his dick again, money had to be made.

Was it creepy to watch Cartman sleep? Maybe, but he couldn’t take his eyes off those depraved lips. Cartman had finally found a good use for his mouth. At least one that Kyle approved of.

 _There goes that fucking alarm_ , he sighed as the room filled with annoying buzzing and he slammed his hand down hard on the snooze button. Cartman burrowed into his pillow. “Mmph-tha-fuh?” he mumbled.

Kyle laughed to himself and leant close to Cartman’s ear, “I’ve got work. Go back to sleep.” 

“Call in sick.”

“If I’m sick then a pharmacy is the best place to be.”

Cartman scoffed and lifted his head. His eyes widened. “Oh, thank fuck.”

“What?”

“Nuthin’.” He openly stared at Kyle’s naked chest. He thought he’d dreamt last night. But there Kyle was, naked and covered in hickeys. Awesome.

“So uh, about last night,” said Kyle, hiding himself with the sheets. Cartman’s shoulders fell at Kyle’s muted tone. But then Kyle wore a timid smile. “First of all, wow. I er, just wow.”

Relieved, Cartman bowed smugly.

“And secondly…” Kyle wrapped an arm around Cartman’s neck, “want a quick Round Two?”

Cartman shook his head and gave him an apologetic kiss. “Sorry, but I never do mornings. Addie’s an early riser.”

“So am I…”

“Kahl,” Cartman reprimanded as Kyle nibbled his jaw line. “You’re making this really fucking hard. Pun intended.” 

“Okay, okay.” Kyle released him after one last nip. “You owe me later.”

“Uh excuse me – I believe _you_ owe _me_ for the amazing lip service last night.”

“Hey, I totally offered,” Kyle argued. At the time Cartman had rebuffed him, settling for a mutual jerking. Kyle still didn’t know why. Their conversation was derailed by a crash from the kitchen. “Is that Addie? She’s not trying to make her own breakfast, is she?”

“Pro’ly.”

“Shit!” Kyle bounced naked off the bed and then swore again, “Cartman, what the hell? I look like I have lupus or something.”

“It’s just a few hickeys, stop bitching.” 

“They’re all over my fucking thighs too. Jesus Christ, dude!” Cartman enjoyed Kyle’s annoyed pout almost as much as he enjoyed his naked rear, now sadly being hidden by his robe. “I have to shower. _Please_ go make sure she’s not destroying my kitchen. Oh and Cartman?”

“Hm?”

“Maybe we should keep this,” he motioned between them, “on the down-low. I think she has a crush on me or something and I don’t want to upset her.”

“Oh but when _I_ have a crush…” Cartman folded his arms behind his head with a flourish. “Such double standards, Kahl.”

“Yeah but she’s cuter than you.” Kyle winked as he ran out to the bathroom.

“Ay! I’m fucking adorable!” Cartman called out after him. He stretched unhappily but got up to check his daughter wasn’t trying to set fire to anything. Whether he was amazing at blow-jobs or not wouldn’t matter if Kyle’s stuff went up in flames.

*******

The serene smile his daughter gave him when he entered the kitchen was the scariest shit Cartman had seen in his entire life. He quickly collected himself and started clearing up the spilled cereal trying not to sweat under her heated gaze.

Kyle ate what he could before dashing off to work, and they both tried their best to avoid giving thirsty stares to one another. If anything, their deliberate shying away made them more obvious and Addie clinked her spoon against her teeth in subtle rage. But it quickly subsided when Kyle ruffled her hair and called her his nickname of ‘Ads’. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Want me to drive you?”

“Nah, the traffic sucks this time of day. It’s faster to walk. Have fun.”

“Later dude,” said Cartman hoping he sounded casual and not at all like he was already missing him. _Jesus fucking Christ, Cartman, grow some fucking balls already_. He should take his mind off him. “What do you want to do today, hun?” Cartman asked once Kyle had gone. “You can’t play video games all the time.”

His daughter stuck out her lower lip. “Fine. I want to draw something.”

“Er kay. Kewl. I’ll see if there’s any paper.” Cartman rooted around in the most logical places whilst she finished her breakfast. He found an old note pad and a mechanical pencil. Not ideal for real art but she was probably only going to draw dragons or werewolves. Maybe he could text Kyle to get her some paper and colouring pencils at work. As good an excuse as any to talk to him.

Cartman was in the shower and Addie was halfway through drawing a unicorn spearing a mermaid between the seashells when the phone rang. They let the answer-phone pick up. It would be too weird to explain who they were and what they were doing there. Just as Cartman was wiping the shampoo from his face Addie screeched and tore into the bathroom. Thank fuck for shower curtains. “Dah fuh?” Cartman yelled over the shower. “What’s wrong?”

“HE’S MARRIED MARRIED HE’S MARRIED!!!”

*******

Kyle was never going to be able to concentrate on rearranging window displays with last night playing over and over in his head. He’d had no problem letting Cartman take over the whole affair. After all it was his… Kyle didn’t like the word ‘fantasy’. It sounded so narcissistic. But Cartman had been thinking about it for much longer and Kyle was curious to know what exactly he’d dreamt up in all that time. It was surprisingly slow and luxurious and Kyle felt like he was being worshipped; Cartman’s fingers writing psalms into his flesh and tongue leaving wet trails of hymns on his skin. Completely different to any other sex Kyle had ever had and entirely enthralling because of it.

The only thing Cartman rushed was Kyle’s disrobing, not that there was much to deal with. Kyle lost his shirt to the floor and his briefs ended up tangled at his ankle. He lost them eventually, he couldn’t remember exactly when. 

Cartman descended on him with an almost wicked chuckle and took it upon himself to make sure every single patch of Kyle was harassed by his mouth or hands, _except_ the most important parts and Kyle was shaking with pent-up release by the time Cartman decided to pity him and lapped the tip of his dick clean of pre-come.

Actually maybe that was when he finally kicked off his briefs.

Then Cartman took Kyle deeper, wrapping his arms around the back of Kyle’s thighs, pressed them against his head and soothed his hands up his sides. As jealous as Kyle was of any previous guys Cartman had been with, he wanted to shake the fucking hand of whoever taught him that. There wasn’t much Kyle could do in such a vulnerable position except fling his arms over his face and try to muffle his moans with his forearms.

As his balls began to lift in anticipation, Cartman pulled back, gently twisting his hand at the base of Kyle’s dick. That’s what finally did him in and if his body would have allowed such a feat he’d have come again at the sight of Cartman wiping his jizz from his face and dipping his soiled fingers into his mouth.

He tenderly pulled at Cartman’s hair trying to bring him up for an appreciative kiss. He lowered his head to decline. “Dude, I don’t care about B.J. breath, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Kyle said. “Besides, I’m gonna have to get used to it when I do it, right?”

“Maybe," Cartman murmured, but he accepted the kiss. _Didn’t taste so bad_ , Kyle thought absently and asked, “You don’t want me to?”

Cartman curled up at Kyle’s side. “Not right now.” 

“How about this?” Kyle skimmed the shaft of Cartman’s cock and received a shiver. He shifted closer and stroked their dicks together, savouring the unfamiliar sensation of teasing foreskin over the head of another cock. He wasn’t sure how sensitive it was and started as lightly as possible until Cartman fucked his hand impatiently. At his insistent urging Kyle thumbed underneath the glans. Cartman’s hand flew up to stifle his mouth’s brazen sounds.

Thick come soon coated Kyle’s fingers and they both fell back with an exhausted laugh.

*******

Cartman played the message a third time. “This is Mr. Rosenberg calling for Kyle Broflovski. Just to remind you, your wife will be coming by later this afternoon to pick up some items as determined by the last meeting. She will be arriving around 12 o’clock if you wish to circumvent an interaction. Goodbye.”

Addie nibbled at her thumbnail, a residual habit that had evolved from her thumb-sucking days. For now, she was in a truce with Cartman. It was time to unite against this common enemy.

Cartman caressed his still stubbly chin. Sounded like a divorce was going on. Thank God, at least he wasn’t ‘the other man’. Kyle was too much of a Goody Two-shoes for that. But Cartman was suddenly uneasy.

“C’mon kid. Stakeout time. First, we need to hide all our shit.” They both sprang into action, gathering up any evidence of their presence and stuffing it inside their suitcase. Around 11.30, to make sure they had enough of a time margin to miss Kyle’s wife, they headed out to the car.

It was an agonising wait and Cartman’s stomach tangled into knots at the sight of every car that pulled in. Why the hell were so many people coming in and out of this block on a Sunday afternoon anyway?

Finally a likely suspect turned up. A woman around his age (attractive too, he noted with grave irritation) pulling empty boxes out of her car’s trunk. “What do you reckon, honey? Plan Epsilon? Minus the pick-pocketing, obviously.”

Addie considered carefully. “Psi.”

“Aw man, I fucking hate Psi.” He got out of the car anyway and they ran back into the building. Kyle’s wife took the elevator which gave them the time to run up ahead on the stairs. Cartman hung around the opposite end of the hall to Kyle’s door. Addie took her place behind him.

The woman had quite a few boxes with her when she got out of the elevator. It was usually best to perform on the victim’s way out of the apartment but that could mean them being stood there a long while as she packed up her things. Cartman cued Addie early.

“Hello,” she smiled sweetly. “My name is Addie, what’s yours?”

The woman adjusted the boxes in her arms and returned the smile. “Where’s your mommy?”

“Over there. Well I mean, technically they’re my daddy now.”

“What?”

“Now that all the paperwork’s been signed. The operation is a long way off though. It’s a good transition though, right? You can hardly tell!”

“I’m sorry, I don-” she stared over at Cartman, who was trying not to dissolve into laughter and instead look aloof.

“Anyway she, sorry I mean _he_ is really shy and wants to know your name,” Addie pushed further.

Flustered, the woman began to shove her key into the lock. “Tell your mo- _parent_ that I’m married. But I’m flattered.”

“Okay, thank you Mrs…”

“Broflovski,” she muttered grudgingly as she pushed the boxes into the apartment.

“Where’s your ring?”

She faltered. “I just got back from work. I don’t wear it to work.” She didn’t know why she was even answering these questions. “Look, I have to go. Have a good day, honey.” She shut the door as politely as possible.

Addie growled. “Don’t nobody call me that but Cartman, you bitch.” She ran back down the hall to him. “No ring.”

Cartman nodded, deep in thought before saying, “Let’s go get lunch.”

“Wha? That’s it?”

“I’m fucking hungry.” Maybe food _was_ the best idea for now. They couldn’t go anywhere else. Except maybe Liane’s place. That wasn’t a bad plan either. “Let’s call on Grandma. She’ll be psyched that we’re still here.” He clasped Addie’s hand and they gave each other a comforting squeeze.

*******

“Cartman, hey, I’m on lunch.”

Cartman frowned at the voice on his cell phone. “So are we. We’re at Denny’s.”

“Aw, shit. Sorry, I don’t have time to meet you guys. Just checking up.”

“We’re kewl.” _Except for the part where you forgot to tell me I’m a bi-curious fucking rebound._

“Great! I’ll finish at six again. Should I pick up any groceries for dinner?”

“Hang on,” Cartman muffled the speaker for a moment. Kyle could just make out another lighter voice intermingled with Cartman’s. “My mom wants to make us dinner.”

“Oh, you’re with your mom? Awesome. I’ll come by straight after work.”

“See ya.” He hung up, maybe a little abruptly, but he was still mildly pissed. If Kyle was getting divorced what was the point in being secretive. Cartman fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt. His lunch was no longer appetising.

*******

_Stan paced his apartment floor with such fervour Kyle began to feel nervous. Even more nervous than Stan apparently was. “Thanks for coming over dude,” he finally rasped._

_“You okay?” asked Kyle, his concerned expression only making Stan pace faster. “Has something happened? Wendy’s okay, right?”_

_“Wendy’s great. I’m… the problem.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“Shit okay, this is weird to talk about especially with another guy but you’re my Super Best Friend, right?”_

_“Always dude,” and his smile was so warm Stan found himself slowing down his gait. Kyle reassured further with a, “No matter what!”_

_Stan settled down into his favourite recliner and drank his beer slowly. Kyle drank his own, patiently awaiting whatever it was Stan needed to tell him. He was obviously gathering up his courage and Kyle didn’t want to rush that. Stan gulped down the last bit of beer and blurted out, “We’ve been trying for a baby for the last few years. We didn’t want to tell anyone in case we jinxed it.”_

_“Oh well, cool. Wait is that what you want to tell me? Wendy’s pregnant?”_

_“No. No she’s not,” Stan twiddled his thumbs. “We got jinxed anyway. We can’t… I mean I can’t…”_

_“Oh dude.” Kyle moved closer up the couch. “Hey, low sperm counts aren’t that uncommon these days. There’s lots of ways to-“_

_Stan snapped, “I don’t have any at all, Kyle! His shoulder slumped. “Sorry. Shit I-I’ve got this stupid fucking azoospermia th-thing and… fuck it. Sorry.”_

_“Dude it’s cool. It’s a lot to go through. I’m glad you talked to me. I mean you were there for me when I was going through that rough patch with Shari when I up and quit med. school. You can talk to me any time.”_

_“You’re so awesome Kyle,” he whispered. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”_

_“You’d be really fucking boring, I can tell you that much,” Kyle laughed. Stan joined him, feeling a lot better. He opened another beer and decided to land the final kick, “Kyle I didn’t just want to tell you that.”_

_“No?”_

_“Well, we’ve known about my problem for a while now. And we’ve decided to adopt. I mean we always wanted to foster but we thought we’d have a few bio-kids first. But the last couple years Wendy’s realised she really wants to have a baby. So we’re going down the donor route.”_

_“Wow, that’s a big step.”_

_Stan hunched forward, unable to look Kyle in the eye. “Yeah but, I don’t want some stranger’s DNA in my kid, you know? I mean if I had a brother or a cousin I might ask them but I don’t so… someone_ like _a brother would be ideal.” He looked up with a meaningful stare._

_“Are you asking me to… Stan that’s…” Kyle’s whole body seemed to stop working._

_“You don’t have to answer right now. And I totally get it if you say no. We’re still Super-Besties. Like you said – no matter what.”_

_Kyle’s functions returned. “Of course I’ll do it!”_

_“Seriously? I mean, you should check with Shari first.”_

_“She’ll totally be on board, we love you guys.”_

_“Yeah but dude this isn’t like a loan on a house or something.” Stan sat back up with a heartfelt look on his face. “Technically it’ll be_ your _baby.”_

 _“I know I know,” Kyle waved his hands, “there’s all kinds of legal repercussions. That’s why donors are usually anonymous. But the law would be on your side and I’ll sign anything you give me – I’ll take no offence. And it won’t be_ my _baby. It’ll be yours. It’ll just have my genetics.” Kyle dwelled for a moment. “Maybe that’s the real question here. Another reason donors usually go through banks is the health regulations. Your kid could end up with my shitty kidneys or my diabetes.” He stood up almost knocking his beer over. “Dude, what if they’re ginger?”_

_Stan hooted, “Dude that’s really not the worst thing, no matter what Cartman used to say.”_

_“No dude, if the kid is ginger people are going to think… y’know. I cuckolded you.”_

_“There’s ginger in Wendy’s family. We’ll explain it that way.”_

_“That won’t stop people speculating. They’ll laugh behind your back about how obvious it is the kid is mine and that Wendy cheated on you.”_

_“We’ll know the truth, so fuck ‘em.”_

_“You’re really like adamant about this, huh?”_

_Stan hunched forward again, “No. Like I said if you say no it’s fine. Well go down the normal donor route. But…”_

_“I already said yes. I’m just being cautious. I take it you’ve discussed this with Wendy.”_

_“Well duh. She wasn’t all that surprised when I suggested it. She said that in another time and place, she’d probably be babymama to our gayby.”_

_“Ahaha, gross.”_

_“Hey, I’m quite the catch, thanks,” Stan folded his arms and pretended to sulk. “But seriously dude. What you’re doing is… it means a lot to us.”_

_Kyle squeezed Stan’s arm. “That’s_ why _I’m doing it. I can’t wait to be Uncle Kyle. And Shari will be psyched too.” Stan doubted that. He had a feeling Kyle was going to have to work some very charming magic to persuade her. They’d put off on having their own kids so she could finish medical school, even though Kyle was totally happy to be a house-husband. Stan had a feeling he’d prefer it._

 _Having a baby with another woman, even if it wasn’t actually like_ that _, would be a strain on any relationship. And Kyle’s marriage was already falling apart at the seams. Stan sure as hell didn’t want to be a fly on the wall for this discussion._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Addie swore? Honestly I have no idea where she picked up that kind of language...


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for how long this took – I have been working a lot of night shifts recently.
> 
> There will be some light Shari+Kyle fluff (he was married to her after all) but this will be balanced out by Cartman/Kyle rimming.
> 
> But first we have Mrs. Cartman being Mrs. Cartman.

Liane accosted Kyle with a far-too-affectionate hug – advancing in some way towards dry-humping – almost as soon as he walked through the door. “Ooh it’s been a while, dear, how have you been?”

He gave a pleading look over at Cartman and Addie; both stood behind her sharing twin glares. Kyle finally stuttered, “Fine thank you, Mrs. Cartman.”

“Liane, please, I insist,” she giggled, keening into him. “Mrs. Cartman makes me sound old.”

“Gr-an-d-ma!” Addie snapped from her side, sounding out every syllable.

“Oh no, that sounds even older!” Liane wailed. Kyle assured her she didn’t look any different to when they were kids. Placated, she went back into the kitchen to check on the roast. He exhaled with relief. Was there some faulty gene hidden in the Cartman family DNA that made them all want him?

Addie had already shifted closer to him and he took the opportunity to give her a gift – the sketch pad and colouring pencils Cartman texted him about. She eyed the lovely variety of reds and greens and immediately planned a wonderful zombie apocalypse scene in her head. “Don’t start anything yet,” Cartman advised sagely.

“Why not?” Kyle asked on her behalf. She had already skipped over to the coffee table, completely ignoring Cartman.

“She gets into this ‘zone’ when she’s really into a piece, and there’s no getting her out of it. Not even for food. Well, sometimes food.” Mentioning food seemed to remind Cartman of something and he left wordlessly for the kitchen. Kyle made himself comfortable and watched Addie draw with the same furrowed brow and puckered lips as Cartman wore when he concentrated.

Something was off with him. Kyle had perceived that easily. But what exactly? He’d been quite content that morning, right? Kissing and nibbling and… He readjusted his legs. Probably not a good idea to think about that kind of thing right now.

“Addie, sweetie,” Liane returned with a brisk smile. “Grandma needs to fetch a few things for din-dins. Want to come with me?”

She gave a noncommittal grunt. She was far too busy finding the right shade for the pus coming out of the main zombie’s eyes.

“Don’t you want dessert?”

She _did_ like dessert. But pus didn’t colour itself. Liane eventually coaxed her out with the promise that she could pick out the dessert. Liane escorted her granddaughter through the door first so she could lean back to wink at her son. “Bye poopsikins, have fun with your little friend!”

“Subtle mom, real subtle,” Cartman growled under his breath. He looked back at Kyle’s unsuspecting form, hugged up on the couch, observing Addie’s drawing with unease.

“Your daughter’s uh… imaginative. This kind of thing would scare the shit out of me as a kid.”

“The only thing she’s scared of is sea otters.”

“Sea otters?!”

“Don’t ask,” Cartman said grimly. “I fucking hate them too.”

“Ooookay then.” Kyle hopped up from the couch. “Hey, I don’t suppose you’ve got any spare clothes here? I don’t want to ruin my work clothes.”

Cartman looked him over. “Got some stuff from when I first got back here. Shouldn’t be too big on you. Come on.” Cartman led the way up the stairs, pointlessly. Kyle had been to his room a thousand times before.

*******

__

_“Welcome home!” Kyle beamed infectiously. Unfortunately it wasn’t going to work on Shari, not when she had been shouted at by entitled parents and covered in various children’s bodily fluids all day. She sank into the couch and took the tea he offered with a grateful sigh. “Bad day?” he probed._

_“Extremely.”_

_“Want a back rub?”_

_“Just a back rub?” she queried._

_Kyle held her suspicious gaze with an equally offended frown, “Yes, a husband is perfectly capable of offering a back rub to a tired wife without an ulterior motive.”_

_“Sorry,” she relaxed into his hands. “Things are getting worse at the hospital. No wonder no-one wants to be a doctor these days.” Kyle nodded. Four years of medical school he had survived, but one year of residency and he’d shattered. It was either that or become a straight-up alcoholic like so many of the others. Even Shari was on a glass of wine most nights._

_They talked about her day briefly as Kyle worked his way through her shoulder muscles until she was pliant and sated. He liked these times best, just the two of them enjoying the quiet of the evening before a late dinner. It was always a late dinner._

_“Shari, uh, about dinner. I only just got in so I ordered out. Chinese okay?”_

_“Mmm.” She was too sleepy to listen._

_“You’ve got to eat, Shari.”_

_“M’kay.” Kyle laughed at her, remembering his old school counsellor saying exactly that, same intonation and everything. She sprang up from out of his lap. “Wait, what do you mean you_ just _got in?”_

_“Oh, well I had to uh…”_

_“You were at Stan’s again weren’t you?” It felt like Kyle took every chance he could to prance over to his friend’s house and avoid helping her out. “No wonder the place is a mess.”_

_“I was gonna clean. Honest. Something came up,” Kyle began._

_She had already begun picking up around the room. “I suppose you didn’t look for any work today either. Part-time waiting must be your true calling for all the enthusiasm you put into looking for a new job.”_

_Kyle curled into himself, feeling like he married his mother. It wasn’t like he didn’t already feel useless. Didn’t need it confirmed. He tried to change the subject. “Actually I have a confession. I did have a secret motive for that back rub. But it’s not what you think.”_

_She stopped tidying and crossed her arms. This was going to be good._

_“Stan invited me round. He wanted to tell me… He needed some help with… well basically Stan and Wendy want to have a baby but he has azoospermia. Do you… know much about it?”_

_“Of course. I still plan to specialise in paediatrics and the fertility guys are practically our BFF’s in the medical world. What kind does he have?” Kyle shrugged. “Well that’s helpful,” she scoffed. “It could mean anything from a blockage to having his balls outright ripped off.” He winced at the thought. Shari fell back down onto the couch, rubbing her eyes wearily. “You want me to scratch some backs or something at work. Don’t you? You know I’m just a resident, right? I don’t have that much influence.”_

_He took his place beside her. “I’m not suggesting nepotism or anything, like moving them up any lists. But they’re our friends Shari. Shouldn’t we help them if we can?”_

_She ran a hand through his hair. “You’re right, sorry I snapped. I have a few people I can talk to. See what options there are. Probably intracytoplasmic sperm injection.”_

_“I’ve no idea what you just said.”_

_“Whip out a gamete from them both and mash them together in a lab.”_

_“Wow, that’s possible? So he might have some sperm after all?”_

_“Most likely. Like I said, azoospermia covers a lot of things.”_

_“See that’s why_ you’re _the doctor,” he grinned kissing her forehead. “My smart beautiful wonderful doctor wife.”_

_“Now you’re just sucking up. If you really want to thank me get those hands back on my shoulders.”_

_“Yes ma’am.” Kyle obeyed with relish. “Actually I’m really relieved that Stan might be able to father the baby. He was so desperate he even asked me to donate.”_

_“HE FUCKING WHAT?”_

*******

Kyle could just about recall the last time he’d been in Cartman’s room. They were sixteen and had a group project at school. Random assignment had forced them together with Clyde and Kyle had regularly thrown up from the stress of organising the pair of them around the project.

Clyde wasn’t very smart and it was proving difficult to find something he could actually do. Cartman _was_ smart but frustratingly lazy and refused to obey ‘Jew orders’. In the end Kyle did most of the actual research and writing by himself. Clyde drew a few pictures for the presentation. Cartman turned up on the day it was due in, and that was his only contribution. Kyle put his name on the project because it wasn’t worth the argument.

If that Kyle could see this Kyle, half-naked in Cartman’s room, he’d have thrown up even more.

“Here,” said Cartman, thrusting out a t-shirt with an anime character neither of them recognised on the front.

Kyle held up the shirt in disbelief. “An XL? There’s no way you were ever a fucking XL, Cartman.”

“Well, it was a little tight,” Cartman admitted. He staggered back as Kyle pressed it up against his chest.

Kyle shook his head unhappily. “I don’t ever want to see you this size again.”

“Oh, so you want me dead of a heart attack at forty, huh?”

“No. But you’re not meant to be this small.”

“So you finally admit I’m big-boned,” Cartman smirked, triumphant. Kyle just rolled his eyes and pulled on the loose t-shirt. Cartman dug out a pair of sweatpants. Way too big, but at least Kyle could tie them tighter. He put them aside for the moment. He was in no hurry to get Kyle redressed. Pissed as he was about his ex-wife, he couldn’t quite bring himself to snub an opportunity like this.

Kyle smiled up at him as he sat back on the bed. “So…” 

“So,” Cartman echoed, catching the glint in Kyle’s eyes. 

“You finally got me alone in your room. Gonna do something about it?”

“Nope.” He took off his shirt anyway.

“C’mon. You must’ve cooked up something over the years.”

“Sure but…” Cartman flopped down next to him, “you couldn’t handle it.”

Kyle rolled towards him. “Kinky, huh?”

“More… I dunno. Athletic.”

“You saying I’m not athletic?”

“I’m saying you ain’t got the stamina for the filth I have planned.”

“Day-amn,” Kyle laughed, letting Cartman lift his shirt so his lips could begin their new favourite path down to his stomach. “How long’s your mom gonna be out?”

“Long enough for what I have in mind.” But Cartman didn’t seem to want to take any risks, his mouth already sneaking its way to Kyle’s clothed cock. Kyle obligingly lifted his hips and his underwear was quickly disposed. Cartman signalled for his shirt to come off and began to rummage in one of his dresser drawers. “There’s no romantic way to ask this,” Cartman began, “when’d you last use the bathroom?”

Kyle tilted his head at the small tube he took out. Nerves got the better of him. “Um, Cartman, I don’t think we have time fo-”

“Do you trust me?”

“Not really,” he retorted but playfully enough that Cartman just laughed.

He parked himself between Kyle’s legs. “Nice to know you haven’t lost your common sense, Jew.”

“Back to that are we, fatass?”

“Uh-uh, can’t call me that. You admitted I’m meant to be hefty.”

“Can’t call me Jew either, _ab_.”

Cartman popped the cap off the lubricant. “Kahl… You’re going to regret that.”

*******

_Still a little malnourished but otherwise much better than the first time Addie was brought in was what Cartman took away from the technical babbling of the doctor in front of him. “Oh, and congratulations on a successful paternity test.” Cartman nodded back. He could have done it from home but the AABB gave him a legal backbone._

_How often had he woken up in a cold sweat thinking services were knocking down the motel door? That they might use the fact that he had no proof of parentage to keep them apart._

_He couldn’t believe how quickly he’d abandoned his detached cool lone-wolf persona. His friends would find it hilarious – Cartman sat in a medical office holding Clyde Frog and with the remnants of purple glitter on his face from making a card for Liane’s birthday. A joint birthday celebration was in the works, as Addie’s was only a few days after her grandmother’s._

_“Of course,” said the paediatrician snapping Cartman back into the present, “there was probably little doubt. You’re very alike I must say.”_

_Cartman nodded again and he exchanged a grin with his kid. The only difference really was the weight and eyes. Addie’s were the same blue as her mother’s, slightly watery compared to Cartman’s brighter, deeper blue. An old girlfriend had called them cobalt, and he’d rather liked the descriptor._

_“So in summation, get a little more vitamin D and you’ll both be peachy. Not a clinical term, of course,” the doctor concluded._

_“Vitamin D. So that’s like, what, milk and stuff?”_

_“Exactly.”_

_Addie tugged at Cartman’s arm. “Hey, hey, Cartman, hey!”_

_“What?”_

_“The doctor just said I need the D!” They both giggled._

_“I don’t get it?” said the doctor as they broke out into peals of laughter._

*******

Athletic wasn’t really the word Cartman had meant, Kyle thought, or at least tried to considering the position he was in was making all the blood rush to the wrong kind of head. Supple was closer to Cartman’s requirements for something like this. Nonetheless, Kyle found himself upside down, Cartman’s thick arms holding him against his chest as his tongue moved up (down?) to his panting hole, branded red from the cherry lube and prior intense licking. He wasn’t sure he could handle any more as Cartman’s tongue flattened and re-explored, dragged along his asshole then prodded delicately inside.

“Let-let me down,” he gasped in sudden panic.

Cartman was reluctant, but lowered him instantly. “Too much?” 

“No… no…” Kyle gave him a helpless smile as he massaged his calves. “Cramp in my leg.”

“Heh, I guess it is a bit of a porn move. Not really designed for longevity.”

“I liked it though. I mean… yeah, no, I did. The rimming anyway.”

“Let’s try it in a better position. We got time.” Cartman rearranged them so he was on the floor and Kyle was crouched in front and _Hell yeah that’s better_ , thought Kyle. A little exposed and embarrassing but Cartman was opening him with his thumbs and burying his tongue so deep he really didn’t fucking care.

What he _did_ care about was the sound of Liane’s car pulling up.

*******

_Stan leapt out of the filthy old pick-up’s path as it careened past with no regard. “Fucking lunatic,” he hollered as it zoomed out of the hospital lot. Still, if you’re going to get run over, near a hospital was a good place to do it._

_Right now he was more interested in catching up with Shari, halfway across the lot and unlocking her car. “Shari, hey!”_

_She grudgingly stopped and greeted him. “Hello, Stan. What brings you to the hospital?”_

_“Not what you’d think,” he laughed. “I’ve got a job across the street and saw you coming out. I just wanted to thank you for recommending Dr. Memari. Got a few tests booked in and well, fingers crossed, right?”_

_“He’s one of the best, that’s for sure.” A falsely benign smile crossed her face and she glanced impatiently at her car door. “Well, I really should be going. Good luck with everything.”_

_“Wait, I er… thing is. Kyle hasn’t been over for weeks. Not even for New Year. Is he okay?”_

_“Truthfully? No. He was really freaked out by what you asked of him.”_

_“What I…? Oh. Right. Really?” That didn’t sound right. Kyle had left in high spirits that day, and sure when he called a week later to say Shari had contacted a few colleagues about the situation he seemed a little quiet but… but maybe after mulling it over at home, the weirdness of it all probably hit him._

_But Kyle wouldn’t avoid him. He wasn’t like that. Not with Stan._

_“Maybe I should come over? Smooth things over.”_

_“I would advise against it.”_

_“Well what if-”_

_Shari slammed the car door shut and rounded on him. “You don’t get it, do you? You tried to stud him out like a prize-winning bull. To your own wife?”_

_“That’s… it’s not even like that!” he stammered helplessly. “It’s just he’s my best friend and…” He had no idea what his line of reasoning was supposed to be. He could see it from her point of view, from most people’s point of view. He couldn’t make the argument for his case when he barely believed it himself. All he knew was that he had been in a bad situation and Kyle was the obvious solution. Why wouldn’t he be?_

_“You’re sick.” She got into the car, pausing as she tugged at her seatbelt for one last piece of advice. “Stay away from my husband. Both of you.”_

*******

“Why are they showering before dinner?” Addie faced her grandmother with an A-star pout.

“Well, Kyle’s been at work all day. He probably wants to be all squeaky clean for dinner,” Liane soothed.

“So why is Cartman in there?”

“Daddy,” she corrected. “He might want to be squeaky clean too.”

Liane just wasn’t getting her real question. Or perhaps avoiding it. “Why are they in there TOGETHER?” Addie almost screamed.

She paused. “It saves on water.”

Addie went back to her picture on the coffee table and shaded in a pool of blood with ferocity, only looking up again when her father made a sheepish entrance. “You’re back early,” he mumbled guiltily.

Liane nodded apologetically, which was followed by an impish grin. “Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. I’m sure you boys are hungry by now.” Cartman grumbled as she ran off to the kitchen.

Addie poked his side. “Your hair’s wet.”

“I was in the shower.”

“With Kyle?”

He paused. “Saves on water.”

They really did think she was stupid, didn’t they?

*******

_Cracking the air from his knuckles, the Boss picked up his Poker cards and poured over the pathetic selection. He couldn’t figure it out. Every hand he got failed and he was already fifty dollars out of pocket. The little girl sat across the dingy table smiled and reordered her cards. Was she somehow… fixing the hands? Ridiculous. She was only six._

_Cartman approached from the bathroom. “Boss,” he mumbled._

_“I was beginning to think you’d drowned, Eric.”_

_“You wish.” Cartman ruffled Addie’s hair. “Gonna go have a chat with the Boss, honey. You wait here.”_

_“The Boss has been teaching me Poker,” she said with a mischievous smile. He matched it and followed his boss outside the motel room. Once out of her sight he handed over a large bag and received the pre-agreed payment. The Boss peeked inside the bag and nodded his approval._

 _“I must say Eric, I’m disappointed we’re not going to have our usual bonus arrangement.”_

_“I told you,” Cartman folded his arms. “You gotta warn me and I gotta be near South Park so I can leave her with mom.”_

_The Boss trailed a hand along Cartman’s thigh. “How about you just stop dragging that little cock-blocker everywhere you go?”_

_Cartman jerked his head to the side. “How about you call her that again and I smash your face in with that fire extinguisher over thar.”_

_“So the cat has claws,” he chuckled and pressed his tongue into Cartman’s mouth, pulling away only when things got too heated. It wasn’t worth getting worked up if Cartman wasn’t putting out. “See you around, darling. Thanks for the merchandise.”_

_The moment he was gone, Cartman wiped his mouth._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ab - Hebrew word for father. I personally prefer the spelling ahv but ab is closer to the pronunciation and is more recognised.
> 
> And yes that was Cartman that nearly ran over Stan and neither of them are aware of it. I love serendipity.
> 
> We all know that it was his idea to put glitter on the birthday card, you're fooling no-one Eric.
> 
> Also you may have noticed I use British spelling (because I am) and I hope it's not off-putting. I just can't bring myself to not do that. I'm using American versions of words though, like pants/trousers and I'm trying to make the language sound American at least. How am I doing?
> 
> A quick word of warning – I am hoping to have a new chapter within the next two weeks because I'm going on vacation (muthafuckin Disney y'all). If I miss my deadline then I'm sorry to say there won't be a new chapter for about a month. Sorry in advance if this happens. I'll try my best but work gets in the way, as is life, ho hum.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo okay, I managed to crack this out between work and packing. Mostly exposition and a little smut. Addie's here for maybe two sentences, poor kid!

The first clue was the missing vase on the windowsill. They had got it at a yard sale for ‘tree-fiddy’. Shari had haggled it down from $15. Kyle only remembered because he could almost hear Cartman goading in his ear about how his wife was better at being a Jew than he was. Kyle had been happy to give up at ten.

It was gone now, and so was some of the crockery from the cupboards. Thank fuck Cartman and Addie had gone out to lunch. Kyle didn’t know what he would have done had they crossed paths. Or shit, if Cartman had let slip that they were… whatever they were. 

‘Fucking’ felt crude, detached. ‘Dating’ was too conventional and implied they were still getting to know one another. Maybe they were. This was a side of Cartman he’d never seen. The side he’d always tried to unearth.

Most other terms like lovers or boyfriends, just made him laugh; both at the idea of Cartman and him being cutesy like that, and out of a mild despair. Because he kind of _wanted_ them to be like that. And he didn’t even know where they would both be in a month’s time, or even a week. Or where Cartman would want to be. 

Perhaps it was best to just enjoy what it was. Living in the now was a lot more fun than moping about the past and mourning the future.

“Wasn’t there a vase on the windowsill?” Addie asked. She received a gentle nudge from Cartman. He wanted to see how long Kyle was going to play dumb.

“No, no I don’t think so, Ads.”

 _Asshole._ Cartman was suddenly back to bouncing on his heels and tensing his fingers in agitation. 

Kyle checked his answering machine. Blank. Rosenberg could have warned him at least. Kyle wished Addie a good night and excused himself to his room. Cartman deftly ushered Addie to hers.

*******

Kyle raided the bottom of his wardrobe. As he had suspected; the box of wedding memorabilia was gone. It shouldn’t have mattered, not when he was sort of possibly kinda moving on. But knowing that the album was gone, the pressed flowers, the display board with Solomon-Broflovski and their picture underneath…

He went over to his sock drawer and took out a once significant loop of metal, held it, cool and pleasant against his sweating palm.

*******

For the first time, Cartman was tucked up in bed before Kyle. He lay there listening to the soft whirr of an electric toothbrush coming from the bathroom, and ran the small wedding ring around in his hands.

Kyle had stuffed it straight back into the dresser when Cartman entered, so of course he was going to nose about it in there the second Kyle left. 

Cartman considered trying it on, but he’d seen enough sitcoms to know how that scenario always played out. His fingers were far chubbier than Kyle’s. Even the pinky was a risk.

At the click of the bathroom light, Cartman abandoned the ring back where it belonged.

Where it _now_ belonged.

Cartman moved across the bed to prepare for Kyle’s arrival. There was a stifled yawn when he came into the room, sleepily pressing his eyes and shrugging off the borrowed sweatpants. Cartman pulled back the sheets in welcome. Kyle slipped in beside him tucking his arms under the pillow as he reclined. He allowed himself a peaceful sigh. “Want to play a game, Cartman?”

“Does this game involve your dick?”

“For once, no.”

Cartman rubbed his eyes. “It’s late. Can’t we raincheck?”

“It’s really simple. We just ask each other questions, alternately. Anything we want.”

“Anything,” Cartman repeated warily.

“No obligations to answer.”

Cartman embedded his face back into the pillow for a moment before deciding to give in. He could give up a few secrets in exchange for Kyle’s. “You go first.”

“So, I mean… Addie. How, when, where?”

“That’s three questions. Greedy Jew.”

“Okay, condense it down to, what do you know about Addie’s mom?” 

“Not much. She rode my dick then robbed my ass – wasn’t exactly love at first theft. And yes it was on prom night, I know you’ve been dying to get that out of me.” 

“So had you ever… before?”

“Nope. First time out on the field and I knock it out the park.” He swung an imaginary bat. “Boom!”

Kyle laughed sadly. If only others could be so lucky. 

Cartman knew a lot more, but he had no desire to bring any of it up right now. He knew the moment the game was suggested that it would be one of Kyle’s questions and he had dreaded it. What could he say about a woman who spent the last few years of her life as a pro, raising a little girl in a brothel? 

He remembered their ugly dank room well, and how small Addie looked as she sat on the one bed. A relief to him that her mother’s work was conducted in a different room. He’d asked her if she wanted to pack anything, realised how ridiculous the question was as it fell out of him.

He remembered how the only thing that frightened her more than being outside the brothel was the giant gruff man that everyone she had ever known had abandoned her to, and how she had silently cried herself to sleep in his car. And the weird sick pain in his chest when he realised he had no idea how to help her, and how much he wanted to. This tiny stranger suddenly consuming him, more than Kyle ever had.

*******

“So, why does Addie call you ‘Cartman’?”

“It’s my name. It’s only ‘dad’ if the situation calls for it, like if we’re around strangers and it’s not worth the hassle explaining. Or if she’s trying to manipulate me into something.”

“Does it work?”

Cartman chuckled. “Always… and hey!” Cartman rolled to his side and poked Kyle’s nose. “It’s my turn, no more cheating.” 

Kyle crossed his arms but nodded for Cartman to proceed.

“What happened to your stupid hair?”

He squirmed uncomfortably and settled on, “Too hot for curls in summer,” for his answer.

“Then how come you had the same hair back in February?”

“ _Now_ who’s cheating by asking extra questions? Wait…” Kyle’s eyes went owl-like. “How’d you know that?”

“Might’ve spied on you a little.” Cartman saw the irate flicker in Kyle’s eyes. “ _After_ the robbery,” he clarified. “I didn’t lie when I said I didn’t know you worked at that stupid pharmacy.”

“Fine, I believe you. Whose turn?”

“Yours.”

“Okay so… you spied on me. How often do you come back here?”

“Few times a year. Just big holidays, birthdays. We swap our Winter and Summer clothes and leave them with mom. No point carting it all around in the pick-up.”

Kyle turned away, tugging angrily at the corner of the pillow. “I can’t believe you’ve been coming back here all this time. You never even thought to reconnect with _any_ of us?”

“I didn’t even know you were here! Thought you’d be a big shot lawyer or doctor or whatever else Jews do. You always said fuck South Park.”

“Yeah well, so did you. And look at us now.” He sighed. “Your turn.”

“Why such a big apartment? You really need two bedrooms? Pharmacies pay that well?”

“You’re cheating again.” Kyle rolled back to face him. “It’s just what was available when I was looking.”

_Yeah fucking right._

Kyle’s eyes flicked to his. “What do _you_ do for money?”

“Whatever is needed.”

“Dark, dude.” But he wasn’t going to press further. Cartman was already distressed, flexing his fingers into fists, had refused to look at him the last half of the conversation. “Cartman, it’s your turn.”

“I’ve got no more questions.” 

Even Kyle knew he was lying. “I’ll go again if that’s okay.”

“Whatever.”

“When are you going?”

And there was the crux. Cartman finally looked at his doe-eyed and heartbreaking expression. “When I get called out.”

“And nothing will persuade you to stay? Even if it’s what’s best for Addie?”

Cartman’s face hardened.

“Dude, you saw her at that party with those other kids. She’s starved for interaction.”

“Nuh-uh she’s like me. She’s sociable because it gets her what she wants. She merely tolerated those brats.”

“Oh bullshit, Cartman! Even if that were true, she needs some sort of schooling. It’s not healthy dragging a little kid around like that, with no-one her age to talk to. She’ll end up weird like Rebecca and Mark.”

“Fuck you, she’s perfect.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean, how’s she supposed to have a future without education. A real one? You know exactly the kinds of options available to women in the underworld you’re traversing. There’s not a lot, and they’re all unpleasant.”

“Nah, see I’ve got it all figured out. I’m teaching her how to be a croupier.”

Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose in disbelief. “Oh Jesus Christ, Cartman…”

“Don’t give me that. She’s good, you’ve seen her. We’ll hit Vegas in a few years when she’s old enough – she’ll start off on a poker table and in a few years she’ll run the damn place. Then when she’s bored, we retire.”

“That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Besides I love you?”

Kyle’s jaw snapped shut as Cartman’s eyes bored into his own.

“Yeah,” Cartman murmured slowly, “I fucking thought so. And you listen to me Broflovski, you don’t get to fucking tell me how to raise my kid.”

Any other situation in the past would have brought out Kyle’s obstinate nature. The need to fight Cartman on something he believed in passionately always outweighed whether or not he was right. But there was nothing black and white here and he didn’t like this new uneven playing field. “Okay,” he conceded. “That’s fair. I’ve got no right, even if I knew what it was like to be a parent. And you’re doing a good job. I mean, I didn’t even think you could look after yourself let alone a small child.”

“Somewhere in there was a compliment?” Cartman snorted.

“Sorry, that was a bit backhanded.” Kyle combed his fingers through Cartman’s hair, and he moved closer in response. “I mean it, Cartman, I’m really impressed. I just wish you’d let me help. Having help doesn’t mean you failed.”

“I can’t stay in South Park. Not even for her. I tried, believe me, I fucking tried.”

Kyle pulled back for a moment. “What about long-distance? You could do your job but leave her with me. It’s win-win; you both have a steady home but you get to leave whenever you want.”

_Yeah and you’ll totally be fine about my extra-curricular activities with my partners in crime?_

“I’ve never left her. Not more than overnight. I don’t think I could.” That was the problem with being a single parent. People talked about the sacrifices of parenthood often enough but never about the self-absorption that came with it. The all-encompassing co-dependency that ruled every move and decision.

“All the more reason why you need to do this Cartman. Every parent needs grownup time, especially with their…” Partners? The words flashed into his throat and stayed there. Was that what they were?

“I’ll think about it,” Cartman’s voice rumbled against his cheek and Kyle tightly hugged him from elation.

“That’s all I want.”

“Got one more question.”

“Shoot,” Kyle smiled down at him.

“A pharmacist? Seriously?”

Kyle shied away. “I wanted to be a doctor. A paediatrician actually. But medicine is fucking depressing, even with kids. Maybe even especially. But I quit my residency before I got anywhere near specialising. Couldn’t hack it. You see people destroying themselves and all you can do is give them an IV and some health advice and send them away, then do it all over again when they turn up next week with the exact same problems.”

“You’re too much of a Helpy Helperton, like your hippy boyfriend.”

“Maybe it’s lucky for you I am?”

Cartman snorted again. “You’ve got to learn a lost cause when you see one.”

“All I see is a smartass who doesn’t know a good thing when he has it.”

“Someone has a high opinion of himself,” Cartman smirked. “But I guess that’s easy when you’re perfect.”

Kyle blushed. “I’m really not… Trust me. If you’d taken advantage of our game you’d have dug up a lot of skeletons.”

“Worse than pharmacy robberies?”

“I’d say so.”

“Don’t believe you,” Cartman said as he nuzzled into Kyle’s neck. “And I meant what I said before. I wouldn’t have stolen that shit if I’d known about you working there.

Kyle fixed his gaze onto Cartman’s. “Then you’re more ethical than I am,” he mumbled cryptically, and nestled down for sleep under Cartman’s confused scrutiny.

*******

_Did there really need to be this many shades of green in the paint aisle? It wasn’t as if it was an actual paint store, there were beach buckets hanging from the shelf dividers. This was why Kyle hated shopping at the General Store. It was_ too _general. But Shari wanted some kind of apple green for the spare room and Shari got what Shari wanted, especially when Kyle was teetering around the metaphorical dog house._

_“Kyle?” He found himself pressed into a fierce hug as a familiar cologne teased his olfactories. “Kyle, it’s been weeks! How have you been?”_

_Kyle showed Stan his well-rehearsed smile, “Great, thanks. Sorry I missed your New Year party.”_

_“Meh, it was crowded anyway. Hoping to get a house soon. Money’s tight, but it could be tighter. Just glad the loan went through for our treatment.”_

_“Oh yeah.” Kyle picked up a can of paint. The wrong green that Shari asked for, but the one she wanted was definitely going to be too bright. “How’s that going?”_

_Stan’s lips thinned. “Failed.”_

_“Oh Jesus, dude, I’m sorry.” He hung his head. Why hadn’t Stan said a word before now? Had Kyle really been so distant that Stan couldn’t talk to him anymore?_

_“We’re going for it one more time. Our parents have put together a bit of cash and we have some savings. Still a bit short, unless we give up on the house idea.” He laughed a humourless laugh. “But the whole point of the house was to fill it with kids. Gotta love irony.”_

_Kyle perked up. “How short are you? I have savings.”_

_“Oh dude, no…”_

_“Not gonna hear any excuses. Tell me how much, I’ll give you what I can.”_

_Stan gripped his shoulder. “I’m begging you Kyle, talk to Shari first.”_

_“It’s my money, I can do what I like. We agreed to have a shared account for bills and that’s it. If I can’t say anything about a new purse or boxset, she can’t say anything about this.”_

_“Who even buys boxsets anymore,” Stan pondered._

_Kyle chuckled. “I’ll come round tonight with my checkbook.” Stan began to open his mouth in protest but Kyle shushed him. “I wasn’t there for you before. Let me make it up to you.”_

_Eventually, Stan surrendered. “I never_ could _argue with you,” he grinned. “That’s what Cartman was for.”_

*******

_“Okay I’ll admit it,” Shari sighed as she admired the spare room. “The green you chose was better.”_

_Kyle carefully affixed the final shelf onto the wall. “See? I know what I’m doing.”_

_“Still, it would have been nice if you just brought back some sample pots. It could have been a total waste of an afternoon.”_

_“But it wasn’t, so I win.”_

_“Not everything is a competition, dear,” she sighed. “I’m putting coffee on, want some?”_

_Absolutely, he was thirsty as hell and needed the caffeine boost. He followed her into the kitchen, leaving his t-shirt behind because she seemed to be enjoying the paint-splattered view. “I saw Stan at the store,” he said, cautiously._

_“Oh, how are they doing?” She didn’t sound upset. Maybe he’d given them a wide enough berth that she’d gotten over the donation thing._

_“Great,” he lied. “Actually I was wondering if…”_

_“Hmm?” Shari spooned the grounds into the filter._

_“If I could start hanging out with Stan again?”_

_She hesitated as she wrapped up the coffee bag. “Was I stopping you?”_

_“You weren’t happy about it,” he accused._

_“Of course I wasn’t. You can’t honestly say they weren’t being creepy.”_

_“I can honestly say that.” The air thickened. “I don’t think it’s creepy at all. Anyway,” he turned away. “It doesn’t matter now. So can I?”_

_She watched the dark water drip down into the pot and shrugged. “You’re a grown man, do what you like.”_

_Fine. He would do just that._

*******

South Park had never been this hot before, Kyle was certain of that, as he pulled the sticky sheets from his sweat-beaded back. He slumped across the room and locked the door so he could remove his boxers without causing a scandal. He winced as he collapsed back onto the bed. There was a particularly nasty bruise somewhere on his butt but he wasn’t about to go look for it in the middle of the night. Actually it was possibly closer to morning. It was dark out but he could hear birds yammering away. Cartman stirred beside him.

“You awake?”

“Nyuu,” Cartman mumbled into his hands.

“You bruised my butt. Thanks a lot, dickwad.” Kyle turned on his bedside lamp and they both hissed as the light assaulted their eyes.

“Ay, you asshole, fucking warn me.” Cartman waited until his sight adjusted before admiring his work on Kyle’s rear. “Not a bruise.”

“Then what is it?”

Cartman’s teeth gleamed between his insufferable grin. “Bitemark.”

“You _bit_ me?” He had a vague recollection of Cartman’s teeth on his cheeks during rimming. It hadn’t felt that hard at the time. But back then his mind was swimming and his body was wrecked from the myriad of new sensations. Cartman pressed his thumb into the flesh. Kyle yelped in pain. “You fucking dou-” was cut off by a vigorous kiss.

“Ssh,” Cartman purred, “Too loud, Kahl.”

He grumbled back but drew Cartman closer, pressing a semi-hard dick into his hip.

“So you _do_ like it rough,” Cartman teased. “I knew it.”

“Shut up.” It wasn’t long before Kyle was eating his words, courtesy of Cartman’s hand enclosing his mouth to muffle his moans as he laid him flush against his chest and gripped his cock. As wonderful as the attentive, lip-oriented Cartman had been, this was the version Kyle had expected; raw and unapologetic in his claim, whispering what he wanted and how much he wanted it. _God, I want to make you scream, Kahl._

Kyle was over the edge in no time at all. Cartman shoved his spent body to the side and using sweat and come as lube he fucked his dick between Kyle’s slick thighs. Thick ribbons of come and a slowing of thrusts signalled the end and Kyle huffed when Cartman collapsed on his back. Kyle moaned, trying to prise him off. “Heavy…” 

“Rude,” Cartman grouched but obediently rolled aside. He smirked when Kyle tidied his hair back off his face. 

“Hey, Cartman?”

Cartman was half-asleep already. “Hm?”

“It wasn’t stupid. When you said you loved me.”

“We still on that?” He shook his head. “You were right, it was stupid. It was the truth but it was stupid.”

“Is it okay if I’m stupid too?”

Wordlessly, Cartman pulled him down for a kiss and Kyle placed his head on his chest were it belonged.

Where he _now_ belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it until I return. See you in a few weeks!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay babies because you were so patient with me abandoning you for Florida (which was cool apart from me almost dying from anxiety because I am crazy) you get two chapters. One right now and one later on when I wake up. So let's start with some Addie adventures, and maybe torture Cartman a little before getting back to this baby business.

The sound of Addie creating a cacophony of destruction in the kitchen woke Kyle a few minutes before his alarm. He took the opportunity to switch it off and give Cartman a few extra Z’s in bed, if only to prove the advantage of co-parenting and nudge him a little closer to Kyle’s suggestion of sticking together. Cartman had also had the decency to get up and fetch a washcloth after sex and saved Kyle the discomfort of sleeping with sticky legs, so he deserved a reward.

Kyle swooped into his robe and went to check on how much kitchen he had left. He found a Snacky Smore melting inside the microwave and Addie half inside one of the cupboards. Kyle announced his presence with a disapproving sigh. “Smores are not a breakfast food, Ads.”

“They have the same nutritional value as Pop Tarts and _they’re_ a breakfast food.”

He read the box and was disturbed to find she was right. No wonder he always crashed during first period when he was a kid. “Okay, you can have the smore. But I’m making you something healthier when I get out the shower so don’t eat anything else.”

“Boo…” she huffed at him, prematurely eating her snack and burning her lip. “Hngh!” 

A soothing glass of milk and a few cartoons later and Addie was watching in blissful adulation as Kyle scrambled some eggs for them all.

*******

Cartman hadn’t dreamt for a long while and whenever he did it wasn’t anything nice. So of course he had to have a particularly bad one that morning. He wouldn’t class what he had as a nightmare but he knew he must have been twitching something fierce by the worried look on Kyle’s face when he placed breakfast beside him on the bed. “Wassat?” Cartman groggily asked.

“Coffee, and eggs and toast. You okay?”

“Weird dreams. I’ll live.” He glanced over the plate’s contents. “Looks good.”

“Well I can’t take all the credit – I had a helper on the toast unit.” Kyle gathered up his wallet and keys from the dresser. “I’m going to work now. Ads is in her room.” He paused as he considered something. “Hey, um, last night, what you said, about making me scream…”

Cartman choked on a mouthful of egg. “Fucking… cough… warn a guy… Jesus… cough…”

“Sorry,” Kyle laughed, letting Cartman get his breath back. “It’s just that you know that’s too difficult with Ads around.”

“Duh. But if you plan on dumping her at mom’s you’re out of luck. She’s ‘busy’ the next few days.”

“We could hire a babysitter?” If looks could kill Cartman would have just vaporised Kyle. He re-evaluated the situation carefully. “Well, what about Stan and Wendy? You know them and Addie knows them. They’re perfect. And it’d be good practice for when they have their kid.”

“Hah! Addie’s not practice, she’s a warning.” 

“Pfft, Cartman, she’s a joy compared to the brat you were.”

“Yeah but that’s like comparing drowning and being set on fire. Trust me – Wendy’ll be stabbing her uterus with a clothes hanger before the sun even sets.”

Kyle rolled his eyes, knowing Cartman was making excuses to get out of spending time apart from her. He got it; well, as best as he could. He couldn’t understand completely, not being a father himself, but was empathetic to his situation. Addie was Cartman’s world and had been for a while, and he’d never had a world before unless you counted his lifelong desire to obtain a million dollars. 

“Look,” Kyle sat next to Cartman and wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulder, “there’s a decent restaurant and a hotel right around the corner from their place. We’ll stay there, that way if you get anxious, or Addie gets anxious, you know you can get to her in like five minutes.” Kyle pressed his lips against Cartman’s brow when he began to sullenly push his food around the plate. “Cartman, promise you’ll think about it.”

“M’kay,” he surrendered.

“Great, I’ll be home a little before seven.” Another kiss and Kyle left Cartman to his meal.

*******

Cartman was surprised to see an incoming call on his phone so early in the morning, but not surprised by the caller ID. After all, few were privileged enough to get his number, and even fewer had anything to say to him. One of those few was Boss Jr.

“S’up, B.J.”

“I’ve told you I don’t like that nickname.”

“Stop asking for them then.” Cartman stretched out his arms as he contemplated leaving the warm Kyle-scented bed. It would have to happen eventually, he supposed.

“You didn’t inform me you were staying in South Park.”

“Why? Got a job for me?”

“Always…” Cartman’s boss replied and he could hear the smirk even through such a low-budget earpiece. “But that’s not what you meant, of course. No no, I’m more interested in your new friend. I didn’t think ginger was your type.”

That got Cartman out of bed. “You don’t touch him B.J. got it? You know what happens if you push me. Your dad sure does.”

“Wouldn’t dream of provoking you, precious. I’m just a little jealous, is all.”

“Yeah right.” Cartman peered through the bedroom drapes. “Where are you?”

“Try down.” Sure enough there he was, waving from a bus shelter. “Feel better now you’ve got a visual?”

Actually he did. “What do you want?”

“Just checking up. Making sure you’re not flapping your mouth about our business. Or considering retirement. We’ve got a good thing going here, Eric. Don’t throw it away for a pretty face.”

Cartman slowly closed his eyes. “He’s just a fuck, B.J.”

“Good to know. Incidentally, I was wondering if you’d do a convenience store nearby.”

“Aw what? That’s a waste of our talent. Send a newbie in.”

“It’s the 7-11. You remember the last time a newbie was sent in there.”

There was a ringing in Cartman’s ears as he began to remember his nightmare’s contents. God he hadn’t had that one in a while. “We’re not doing it.”

“You’re the best choice, Eric. They’d never shoot a child. I don’t think.” 

Cartman held up his phone to the window so his boss could see it.

“Eric, don’t you da-”

And pressed ‘end call’.

*******

_He might have been anything from fifteen to twenty, Cartman was no good with ages, but the brat had been staring at him the entire meeting. He turned away from him and tried to pay attention. The Boss and his son were going over a few instructions for various small crimes. Better details would be unveiled within the groups once they were assigned. Cartman was relieved to be on intimidation duty. He got to turn up to some money borrower’s home, threaten a few broken legs, smash some stuff, the usual. Cartman was a big guy, and did scary very well when he wanted, so nearly always ended up with the fun stuff._

_The kid ran over to him as soon as the Boss called time on the meeting. “Are you Eric Cartman?” The boy could barely breathe through his excitement._

_“Maybe.”_

_“Is the Tenorman thing true?”_

_Oh great, that old chestnut. There were only two reactions Cartman got to that – abject horror or disbelief. He always replied, “Yes,” in a deadpan tone in anticipation to either._

_“Wow, that’s brutal dude.”_

_“Meh,” Cartman shrugged, though he hadn’t expected such a keen interest from him. He gave the kid a once over. He was darker in skin tone than he was but Cartman had no idea and no interest in what his race might be. No facial hair, barely even five foot five. Considering he was probably being passed around the syndicate like a doobie at a beach party, Cartman hoped he was at least legal._

_“You’re a legend amongst the rest of us,” the newbie flashed a becoming smile at him. “You got to be the Boss’s favourite pretty fast, huh?”_

The rest of us, _Cartman sighed internally. He meant the other bottom feeders. Cartman had meant to work his way through the ranks create an upheaval and be boss himself one day. But he had to keep his activities safe, certain, a little less ‘could possibly probably very likely get shot’. Being a family man sucked. Fortunately, as the kid had pointed out, the Boss liked him a lot, or at least liked sex with him enough that he let Cartman get away with slacking. “Yeah, me and Bullshit are cool.”_

_“Bullshit?”_

_“Boss Senior. B.S. Bullshit. You can guess what I call his son.” Cartman grinned as the kid thought about it for a second and then began to giggle. The Boss looked up at them with a thinly veiled anger and signalled him over, though Cartman couldn’t fathom why. There was no way he heard him. But it was better to obey. “Speaking of the Boss, I gotta go.”_

_“Hey, um, I don’t know if it’s allowed but…”_

 _Ugh, this kid was_ still _bothering him?_

_“Do you want to get a drink or something sometime?”_

_Huh. No-one had come on to Cartman since he was a kid himself. At least not genuinely. “How old are you?” Cartman scrutinised the fresh face._

_“Nineteen.”_

_“Oh thank fuck. Wait, you can’t get into a bar.”_

_“Five-finger discount, dude. Grab some drinks from a store then go fuck in a parking lot. Or something.” He turned a little shy. “I dunno.”_

_Forward and audacious with a hint of coquettishness. Cartman liked that. “You’re on.”_

_“Great. After our operation, I’ll get in touch.”_

_Cartman nodded as his date ran off waving enthusiastically. It was only then that Cartman felt concern creep across the back of his neck. For all the internal fucking that went on within the group, it was exactly that – just fucking. Most of the guys were married, had girlfriends, visited prostitutes, or all three. The G-word was absolutely not used, or even acknowledged. Sex was a way of working out an order._

_Sometimes Cartman wondered if they weren’t just dogs in a pack mounting each other for dominance. It sure as hell wasn’t for pleasure, not in his experience. This guy was going to be a nice change of pace._

_Except that the owner of the 7-11 the kid was helping to rob had a new gun and was itching to use it. Cartman’s fanboy was the only fatality._

_The poor kid was left to bleed out in front of the store, and although he had the fortune to do it when a doctor was passing by, he was gone before she could begin to work on him. Her husband called for paramedics as she helplessly held him, and their weeks of money quarrels were momentarily forgotten as they witnessed firsthand how short life was._

*******

_Swinging his legs out of the bed, Cartman let out a grim whine as a familiar ache shot through him. “Don’t you have work to do, Eric?” the Boss muttered when Cartman was still there a few minutes later._

 _“Oh I’m sorry,” Cartman simpered in a mock-sweet voice. “Is my ass-pain disturbing you?”_

_The Boss ignored him, busy with his phone as usual. “Oh dear,” he grinned. “The robbery didn’t go well.”_

_“Robbery?”_

_“The one your little friend was at. The 7-11 in South Park? Should probably have warned them not to bring knives to a gunfight, hm?”_

_“You sent them in with just knives?”_

_“Newbies like that would just waste ammo. Besides, it got him out of the way.”_

_“Out of…” His blood ran cold. “You did it on purpose?”_

 _The Boss cupped Cartman’s face affectionately and left a cold kiss on his cheek. “You’re misunderstanding something very crucial, Eric, about how things work here. You’re mine. I own you. You commit crimes I want you to commit and crimes I approve. You don’t do anything freelance without my permission. It’s the same with sex. You fuck me and you fuck who I approve. Just think of your ass as a mediator for our business transactions.” He patted Cartman’s stunned face. “Don’t pout Eric. You’re lucky really, that it was just_ this _kid.”_

_“What.” Cartman murmured quietly. “What do you mean. By that.”_

_“Well, I mean it’s bad enough competing with_ that girl’s _attentions. I’m not giving you up to another brat.” The Boss laughed and pulled on his pants. “Maybe that’s the solution. Then I’d have you all to myself.”_

_Cartman regarded him with a saccharine smile. “Ohoho, Boss, you did NOT just threaten my baby girl.”_

_“What if I did?”_

_One week later and Cartman watched with disinterest as B.J. was sworn in as the new leader of the group, after his father was found dead in his room from a slightly mystifying suicide, having shot himself several times in the face from a distance of six feet._

*******

Watership Down wasn’t as interesting as a book that featured frequently dying rabbits promised to be. In fact it mostly seemed to be descriptions of British countryside. Addie was determined to finish it and currently Clyde Frog and a dictionary were helping her through some of the more infuriating parts. A soft knock at the door interrupted her just as she was getting to a nice gory part involving a snare.

The door cracked slightly. “Can I come in, sweetheart?”

 _Sweetheart?_ She slammed the book shut. Her father was after something. She gave permission and he shuffled in as casually as possible even though it was obvious he was fretting about whatever he was there for. 

“So,” he smiled, wringing his hands, “I think maybe we should talk. Like adults. Mature adults. Cool mature adults. Sorry Clyde Frog, you’re not a cool mature adult. _We_ are, but you’re not.” Cartman shoved the toy under the bed.

Addie slumped back against her pillow. This was going to be about Kyle and that was why he was unsuccessfully trying to feed her childish ego. 

He seemed to realise it wasn’t going to work and settled down on the bed. “Honey, I’m not gonna talk down to you, you’re too smart. So I know I don’t have to tell you that me and Kyle are sort of... um… what’s a good word?”

“Special friends?”

“ _Definitely_ not that. But kinda.” He frowned as she began to wring her hands too. “Honey… do you know what ‘bros before hos’ means?”

“I think so.”

“It means that no matter how awesome a girl is, you don’t abandon your buddies for her. And I’d like to think that we’re bros, you know, even though you’re a girl, and my daughter. And Kyle isn’t a girl or a ho, but he’s not a bro neither, well he is but not in this context, because that’s… shit I’m losing the metaphor here.” 

She looked, quite rightly, confused. He needed something a little more gender accurate.

“What I mean is in this situation it’s not bros before hos, it’s more… child before Kyle. Nah that doesn’t rhyme right. Girls before curls? But he cut his stupid hair so that doesn’t work. How about kids before yi- shit no, forget that one. Scratch that one.” Christ, good thing he didn’t say tykes. He held his face and tried to gather his thoughts. “Sweetie, what I’m trying to say is… I am balls-deep in love with Kyle but…”

“But?” she echoed, leaning forward.

He relaxed slightly and gazed at her. “You’re my baby girl. I don’t want to be with someone if it upsets you. So I’ll end it, if you want.”

She looked down at her hands, still wringing them. “Would we have to go?”

“Well, yeah.”

She wished she had Clyde Frog beside her. He’d know what to say. Was that why Cartman had hidden him away? Did he know how powerless she was without his guidance? She’d have to play along for now. “It’s fine, Cartman. Really.”

“Really? Mean it?”

“It’s _fine_ ,” she repeated, absolutely not meaning it.

“Phew,” Cartman let out a long held sigh of relief and clasped his hands around hers. “Thank you, honey. You’re the best.” 

“Uh-huh.”

“You’ll find a nice ginger Jew of your own one day, I’m sure of it. Anyway hun, you know you’re too young for Kyle, right? He’s old, like me. Older, actually. Gross right?”

“I’ll be legal in ten years.”

“Yeah well…” Cartman coughed and retreated to the doorway. He didn’t like thinking about that, and all the men and possibly women he was going to have to throw out of his house because they were trying to ruin his precious daughter. “Anyway, we thought you might have fun staying at Uncle Stan’s tomorrow. Like that idea? Huh? Fun? Right?”

Addie composed herself enough not to roll her eyes at his whimsical over-enthusiasm. “Sounds great.” Once he’d closed the door she rescued Clyde Frog from under the bed. “Did you hear all that crazy?”

“Don’t worry,” said Clyde Frog. “I have a _cunning plan_.”

*******

_“Kyle!” Wendy half-shrieked at the wet, bedraggled mess on her doorstep. He leant against the frame and when he spoke he reeked of alcohol. “Shari left. Packed this mornumnuming.” God, he was already slurring._

_Wendy dragged him inside and stuck him in front of the fireplace and scolded him, “You’re a wreck.”_

_He shivered. “M-my marriage has end-eded. Sorry if I’m n-not a p-pile of glitt-ttering unicorn p-poop about it.”_

_“Alcohol solves nothing.” She walked over to a cabinet near the bookshelf. “Unless you have a drinking partner.”_

_When Stan got home he was greeted by two very depressed drunk people collapsed in his armchairs._

_“Stan, baby, you’re home!”_

_Wendy shook her head, “That’s_ my _line, Kyle!” The pair erupted into a fit of giggles._

_“Oh my god,” Stan groaned at the bottles on the table. “How much did you have?”_

_“Count the bottles, Sherlock. That’s how much,” Kyle snapped. “Ah sorry dude I’m jush drunk s’all.”_

_Stan picked his keys back up from the table. “I’m driving you home. And Wendy, you should go to bed too. You have an origami class in the morning. You’re not supposed to be drinking anyway.”_

_“Why not? It’s over. My body is obviously not destined for pregnancy. So I’m going to drink, and eat raw eggs and clean litter boxes and whatever else I want.”_

_“Oh dude,” Kyle moaned into his hands. “I’m such a shithead. I can’t believe I’ve been here all night bitching about my marriage when… I didn’t even ask… I’m so sorry.”_

_“I’m glad you didn’t,” Wendy said sombrely as she poured another glass of wine. “I’m fed up of talking about it. And all those pitying looks I get. I fucking hate it.” She lapsed into silence to get in some steady drinking._

_“It’s not like it’s your fault.” Stan sat down and poured his own glass of something – he didn’t bother reading the label – downed it and poured another. “It’s me. Maybe if we hadn’t used the extraction method. Used Kyle in the first place. Might’ve stood a chance.”_

_“Still no guarantee,” Kyle mumbled. He let out a sardonic laugh. “But my marriage would have been over quicker.”_

_“Oh God, was that what it was about? Us?”_

_“Nah, I didn’t mean that,” he lied. No point making them feel worse._

_Stan folded into himself with guilt regardless as he probed further, “She was pissed about it though, right? She even said it was like we were studding you out.”_

_“Studding?”_

_“Like a horse. Or a bull. I forget what farm animal she said. I guess she wasn’t far off.”_

_“People_ do _do that though, don’t they,” Wendy sat forward suddenly. “Like single girls or gay couples with a donor friend.” Her eyes landed on Kyle._

_He sobered immediately. “I’m er, I’m gonna go home,” he stood shakily._

_“I’m just saying labs aren’t the only answer. People were doing it years before.”_

_Her husband confiscated her glass. “I think you’ve had enough, Wendy. I mean Jesus, what are you suggesting?”_

_“I’m not suggesting anything. Just pointing something out.”_

_“Well I don’t like what you’re pointing out then. It sounds like you want to sleep with Kyle and there’s no way I’m letti-”_

_“Okay wow, first of all no way would I do that, no offence Kyle, and second I can do what I like with my body. I don’t need your permi-”_

_Kyle headed for the door and left the echoes of arguing behind. Great. It looked like he was on his way to ruining more marriages than just his own. It was probably best to stay out of it._

_Maybe Shari had been right. This was weird. This was beyond normal broship, and whatever kind of relationship he had with Wendy absolutely should not entail anything like this. Hopefully it was all just desperation and drunken ranting._

_He woke a few hours later on his couch with some texts from Stan._

Wendy is freking out and crying im coming over

NM shes calmed down. Totally embarased tho

I hope that wasnt weird for u

_There was a gap of a few hours then…_

Dude we need to talk


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants some unashamed blatant smut? Well you're in luck.
> 
> Reminder if you're reading this through to take a break and ingest something.

Kyle was greeted by the pleasant surprise of Cartman’s tongue in his mouth when he got in from work. Cartman gripped his butt eagerly as he said ecstatically, “She says she’s cool with it.”

“Who, Addie?”

“Hella yeah, says it’s fine,” Cartman grinned as he opened Kyle’s shirt buttons and found the most delectable part of his neck, just above the dip of his clavicle.

“Wait!” Kyle pulled back. “Did she say fine or cool?”

“What’s the difference?”

“With women? Everything.”

“That’s so sexist, Kahl. I’m telling Wendy on you.”

“Okay, I mean guys do it too but trust me, fine doesn’t necessarily mean fine.” He’d heard ‘fine’ enough times from his wife over the years to know the many levels of emotion it could specify. She was ‘fine’ about her parents’ divorce. She was ‘fine’ that her half-sister hadn’t spoken to her for years. She was ‘fine’ that Kyle’s mother had to comment on the way she looked all the time.

But he had to admit this was nice to come home to and he soon overcame his anxiety and kissed Cartman back. “Cartman,” he mumbled against his lips.

“Mm?”

“Should still rein it back a bit. She _is_ only eight, and there’s nothing more gross then watching your parents getting all…”

“Lascivious?”

Kyle laughed. “Bit too fancy a word for us.”

“Horny…” Cartman whispered back, low and soft in his ear. Kyle shivered at both the term and sensation and quickly gave in to a brief groping whilst the coast was clear.

They tried to stay PG for the rest of the night and cuddled together chastely on the couch watching Addie destroy whatever monsters she was destroying. Kyle had lost track of the plot in his game and didn’t recognise any of them. She was many levels beyond where he’d left it. 

Then it was the usual preparations for bedtime. Kyle read a disturbing passage from Addie’s book and decided he might have to have a word with her father about her choices of reading material. She was soon tucked in and he joined Cartman in the bathroom to brush his teeth. “Hotel’s booked for tomorrow,” Cartman confirmed.

“Good, I talked to Stan and Wendy. They can’t wait.”

“Ah,” Cartman sighed enviously, “the misplaced optimism of hippies.”

“Shut up Cartman, they’ll have a great time.” Kyle yanked him over and tantalized him with a lewd expression. “And so will we.”

*******

They just about made it to Kyle’s bed, stripping silently and wincing at every creak of the bed frame. It was stupidly risky and they only had to wait 22 hours, or maybe even hope to wake up in the middle of the night again, but that was assuming they were thinking with their heads and that part of the body had long clocked out.

Kyle was a little thrilled to work out that Cartman was taking a backseat tonight letting Kyle explore him instead and not stopping him when his mouth found itself on his inner thigh and began to move centrally. After years of demands, Kyle was finally sucking his balls and Cartman practically gnawed his fist off trying to dissipate his need to yell. Kyle didn’t help matters when one hand manoeuvred its fingers around his cock and the other dug into his thigh. Cartman was going to have to up his game tomorrow and made a mental note to make good on his promise. 

He _was_ going to make Kyle scream.

For now, he took to pulling Kyle up to straddle his lap, curling his fingers around their dicks, amused by Kyle’s frustrated grunts that he couldn’t jounce on his thighs like his body wanted. They were already noisier than Cartman was comfortable with and they finished as soon as they could, sooner than they would have liked.

Kyle stayed in his lap for a while, head nestled in the crook of his neck. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but neither wanted to move, enjoying the heat and intimacy of the position, how easy it was to fractionally tilt their head and place a loving kiss somewhere, anywhere, on one another.

“Cartman,” Kyle finally murmured into his chest.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

Kyle quirked his lip. “Did you just Han Solo me?”

“Maybe.”

“Douche.” That gave Kyle an idea that he squirreled away for the moment. Then he remembered something else. “Hey, why wouldn’t you let me suck you before? That first night.”

“Truth is I was waiting on an STD result. Finally got it this morning. Guys I’m usually with aren’t exactly fans of condoms. I get a test every time I’m home.”

“Wow, look at you. So responsible.”

“Yeah well, I already gave you AIDS once.” They both laughed at the memory. They were lucky enough that it was just a memory.

“So you been with a lot of guys? How many?”

Cartman looked up at the ceiling for a moment.

“Well?”

“Hang on, I’m counting.”

“Seriously?” Kyle gawked at him.

“What? Oh I get it; a fatass like me can’t possibly get laid that often. I’ll have you know I’m in high demand.”

“No I just… Cartman, are you a prostitute? It’s okay if you are.”

He laughed wildly and had to muffle himself in Kyle’s shoulder for a moment. “Oh man I wish. Nah I’m… an errand boy. Just sometimes those errands involve sex.”

“And pharmacies.”

“I’m a dodgy bastard, what can I say? Not like I can walk into a normal job interview and get hired with my current resume.”

“Knowing you, you could sweet-talk your way into any job, no qualifications needed.”

“Maybe I’ll try that one day.” If he could convince B.J. to let him go. At least with his new boss, Addie wasn’t a bargaining chip. He was quite fond of her, the few times they met. Kyle was a different story. If Cartman stayed, he wasn’t safe. More reasons to leave.

And yet he was still here, wasn’t he? For all his bitching about having to go, Cartman was becoming more and more domesticated. Kyle had broken him in like a colt. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that until he felt Kyle try to slip out of his arms and he tightened his grip reflexively. Kyle gently rebuked him, “Cartman, we can’t sleep like this.” He reluctantly let Kyle go and they curled up on their sides, Cartman protectively spooning him.

_Just a few more days of this, I need just a few more days of this, please._

*******

_A few hours after Cartman’s new boss achieved his position, he was called in to see him. The nature of their work meant that he had no formal office so they met at a motel just outside of South Park. Cartman left Addie with his mother, had taken a long time lingering around when he said goodbye, just in case._

_“Eric, good evening.”_

_“Boss,” he nodded._

_“You know, Eric I can’t help but feel my father’s death was a little premature.”_

_“That’s how suicide works.”_

_The Boss laughed, “Well you’re as gauche as he said you’d be. And as cute.”_

_Cartman scoffed. “You don’t have to flirt. I’m all yours, as is customary.”_

_“Nice to know. And while I’m sure you’re not stupid enough to admit that you were the last to see my father alive, that you know how to handle a gun, and that you’ve gotten away with murder before…” He pushed his glasses back up his nose “…I’d like to thank you anyway. I was more than a little fed up waiting for that fossil to give me what I deserve.”_

_“Well if I did admit any of those things, I’d also have to admit that I’m glad I was useful. If I was admitting anything. Which I’m not.” Cartman took a step back when the Boss approached him with open arms. He wasn’t letting his guard down just yet._

_“Eric,” he smiled and pulled him down into a kiss. “I think we’re going to be good friends.”_

*******

Cartman thought it best to stay in the car. Couldn’t quite bring himself to perform the actual act of abandoning his daughter, especially with hippies. He could still feel the small imprint of her hand in his as Kyle had led her away from the car. He could see him now, over at Stan’s front door, chatting excitedly with him. Addie had gone inside with barely a look back.

Oh God, she felt abandoned and he was the worst father to ever exist. He head-butted the steering wheel as punishment.

At the front door, Kyle was blissfully unaware of Cartman’s emotional crisis. “Thanks again for taking Addie for the night.”

“Yeah about that. You said you wanted to give them both respite. But…”

“What?”

Stan took a breath, decided to ask the question that had been plaguing him for the last few days, even if it was none of his business. Kyle was still his Super Best Friend. He could tell him anything, should tell him anything, right? “Well, when two adults want time alone away from kids it’s usually… well they’re trying to… oh Jesus, are you fucking Cartman?”

Kyle supposed he should be embarrassed. He was fucking another guy, an old friend, someone that he’d always had a mixed relationship with, but he felt so collected when he simply answered, “Yes.”

“Are you in love with him?”

That made him feel less sure. Not of his feelings, but of giving the answer. He swallowed, ears turning pink, and said, “So much. Dude, I’ve… never felt like this.”

“Really, because you were loving it up with your ex-wife only a month ago.” Kyle flinched at the accusation, and hugged his arms when Stan continued on, “Look, I’ll admit my bias. I’m not Cartman’s biggest fan, and honestly I always hated when you guys left me out of stuff when we were kids. Not that I want to join in _now_ , definitely not.” They laughed, the tension thinning somewhat. “I’m just worried this is a rebound. You’ve lost your wife and with that the possibility of a family and then Cartman shows up with his daughter. Seems too convenient.”

Instant family, just add water. Kyle knew what he was getting at.

But Kyle hadn’t been dramatising when he said he never felt like this before. Everything with Cartman had been new and exciting, but equally comforting and familiar. A good kind of unpredictable compared with his old ways. And a lot like home. South Park hadn’t felt like home until now.

He couldn’t spout all that at Stan, there was enough gay going on here.

“Does he love you back?” Stan added as an afterthought.

“Since school.”

“Wow, I owe Kenny ten bucks then.” They snickered again. Kenny _would_ be fucking thrilled over all this. They had to try and find him sometime. Token told them at the party that he had last scouted him near Vegas. Their jubilation wound down as Kyle realised they were going to be late for their dinner reservation. He excused himself, but then Stan tapped his shoulder, “Wendy has some advice for you, if you need it.”

“Advice?”

“It sounds counterproductive, but push out when you’re doing anal. Opens you up more.”

Kyle covered his ears. “Dude! I don’t need to hear that.” Actually he did, that was helpful. “Hey, Stan?”

“Yeah?”

“Maybe _that_ was why you weren’t getting pregnant.”

“Oh my God, dude,” Stan howled with laughter. Cartman glared at them from the car, getting impatient with their palling around, which turned to fury when Stan decided to torment him further by pecking Kyle on the cheek. “Have fun, Super-Bestie!”

Kyle wiped his face and went back to the car where Cartman was seething. He started the car. “The fuck was that?”

“Super Best Friend Kiss of No-Homo, we do it all the time,” he winked.

“Better be all you do.”

“I can’t believe you’re still jealous of Stan. I’m not interested. And he’s married so there’s that.”

 _Yeah well, so are you_ , Cartman thought, turning off towards the hotel.

*******

The hotel was okay, adequate for their needs – they were just fucking and sleeping after all. Cartman strolled to the reservation desk and exchanged details with the receptionist. She stared at him for a few seconds before squeaking, “Eric Cartman? Seriously?”

“Uh yeah, that’s what I just said.”

“It’s me!” she squeaked again.

“Uh…”

“Bebe Stevens.” He knew the name but he didn’t recognise her at all. She scowled, knowing exactly why he hadn’t been able to identify her by sight. “I had a breast reduction.”

He snapped his fingers. “ _That’s_ what’s different!”

“Did anyone even look at my face before now?”

“Sorry girl but I’m gay as they get and even I couldn’t help staring at those tig ol’ bitties.”

“Well _you’re_ still the same tactless asshole at least.” She looked past him. “Is that Kyle Broflovski?”

“Yup.”

She looked at their king-size bed single room reservation on the computer, then back at Cartman, then at Kyle, and Bebe’s smile grew wider with every dot she connected. “Here’s the key to your room, Mr. Cartman.” Her hand was already quivering over her cell phone, ready to hit social media the second they were gone.

“Great,” Cartman grumbled when he rejoined Kyle at the elevator.

“What’s wrong?

“That’s Bebe Fucking Stevens over there.”

“Really? She looks different somehow.”

“Might look it, but isn’t. The whole of South Park’s gonna know we’re fucking by morning, and all of Colorado by the weekend.”

“That such a bad thing?” Kyle asked before his ex-wife’s face flashed into his mind. _Shit._

*******

_“So…” Kyle began. “Stan at work?” Wendy nodded and thus continued the silent awkwardness as they stood in the middle of the apartment. He scratched his shaved head. It looked so awful but Wendy had politely not commented. “How should we uh… organise this?” he began again._

_“He didn’t want to be around.”_

_“What? Oh.” She was answering his previous question. “Yeah, I get that. Anyway I brought some sample bottles from work. They’re sterilised already.” Technically he stole them. He’d only been at the pharmacy a few months. He didn’t really care if he was caught._

_“Right well, you can use the bathroom. I’ll be in the hall. How will I know when you’re um… finished?”_

_He squinted. He couldn’t exactly shout down the hall. Her neighbours were nosy as hell. Would wonder what this was all about. But neither of them could bring themselves to interact after something like this. It wouldn’t feel right, doing that and then waving goodbye like it was all part of everyday life._

_She sensed his furthering discomfort. “Maybe I should wait outside on the fire escape.”_

_“Sure? It’s kinda cold out.” It was only April._

_“You really want me in the apartment?” She had a point. It would only serve to make an uncomfortable situation even worse. “It’s fine.”_

_It_ sooo _wasn’t fine._

_“Wait in the hall where it’s warm. I’ll text you.”_

_“Okay. Well…” Good luck? That was a stupid thing to say but it was all she could think of. Jacking off into a pot wasn’t necessarily difficult. But then he was under pressure._

_Kyle was thinking good luck too, but it was more apt to her case. “Wendy…”_

_“Yes?”_

_“If it doesn’t work… and you want to try again…”_

_She smiled, still not quite looking at him. But then neither was he. “Thank you,” she said and left Kyle to his ‘job’._

*******

Cartman showered and wrapped himself in the complementary robe, then Kyle headed for his turn in the bathroom. “Back soon. Got a surprise for you.”

“If you come out in women’s lingerie I’m gonna lose all respect for you.”

“You had any in the first place? And don’t act like you wouldn’t love it,” Kyle grinned. Cartman chuckled and poured a little cheap champagne for them – he could afford to have one glass even if he didn’t officially drink anymore. He was still jittery. He looked out of the window, could just about see the road to Stan and Wendy’s place. He felt better about that.

Cartman was flicking through the channels idly when Kyle came out in his own robe and joined him on the bed, taking the proffered glass from Cartman. A few sips later and he decided he wanted something tastier and sat astride Cartman’s lap. “So what do you want to do?” Kyle queried.

“I thought maybe we could kiss a little, then a lot, then a whole lot more.”

Kyle smirked as they began to do just that. “Anything else?”

“Maybe a sixty-nine? Get my tongue back in that cute little hole of yours.”

“Sounds good. Then what?”

“I dunno. Smoke break?”

Kyle hit him playfully. “Are you really not going to say it?”

“Say what?”

“That you want to fuck me.”

“That _is_ fucking.”

“You know what I mean.” Kyle shifted their enrobed dicks together. “ _Real_ fucking.” Cartman almost threw him off the bed he jumped up so fast. “Cartman? What’s wrong?”

“No-nothing, I er… you’re seriously?”

“Yeah. You don’t want to?” Kyle looked crushed but Cartman had to shake his head. “Why not?”

Why not was an excellent question. For years Cartman had imagined exactly this: Kyle asking to be fucked. Countless nights spent fogging up his windows, lying on his bed as he jerked himself dry. And maybe if Kyle was a good little Jew in these scenarios, he’d let him fuck back.

But then he’d experienced it. And _hated_ it. Part of why he’d become such an expert on sucking dick. A skilful mouth was often good enough, especially in a rush. Most of the time he got away with it. But some guys were insistent. And not considerate. And in a hurry.

He couldn’t do that to Kyle.

“I can’t… I don’t want to hurt you.”

 _That’s kind of cute_ , Kyle thought. And here he’d honestly thought Cartman was the type to tie him up and try to fuck him with a crucifix. “I might be a virgin in this area but I’m no innocent. I’m prepared for a little discomfort, Cartman.”

“You don’t understand Kyle; it really fucking hurts. Believe me, I know.”

“We could try, and stop if we need to.”

“You trust me to stop?”

“Yeah. If you say you know what it’s like then yeah. I think you’d stop.”

Cartman sighed, picking up some more champagne to steady his nerves. “Sorry. Can’t do it.”

“Okay,” Kyle sighed back. “Obviously I can’t force you. Just seems a waste of an enema.”

“Fuck,” Cartman yelped as he accidentally snorted his champagne in shock. “Stop… cough… saying shit… like that… when I’m… cough…”

Kyle felt bad laughing at him but he couldn’t help it. “Sorry dude, bad timing.” He nudged Cartman. “That looked painful. Worse than milk?”

“Hella yeah, it’s worse than milk. Which reminds me, give me back my kidney, you Jew.”

“Reach in and get it,” he teased and Cartman pouted at him. Kyle stroked his arm. “Okay I’ll stop talking about it. But I still want to do stuff, don’t you?”

“Mm-hmph.” Whatever Cartman was going to say was cut off my Kyle getting back onto his lap and kissing him, hands roaming cautiously as he tried to bring Cartman back on track. “Hang on,” Cartman began coughing again.

“Huh?”

“My nose still fucking kills. Time out.”

Kyle sighed. So much for an undisturbed night together.

*******

It was the noises Kyle was making; that was what finally persuaded him. After a brief and unattractive expulsion of Cartman’s champagne-filled nose into some paper tissues they were finally back in their own little world and Kyle hugged and mouthed at the pillow beneath him whilst Cartman’s tongue explored deep inside his ass. He chuckled with pride when he had to hold Kyle forward to stop him riding back on his face.

It was the noises, and Kyle’s glazed expression as he looked back over his shoulder at him, bringing his hand to his mouth. The noises and the look and the way he reached back and traced his wet fingers around his hole.

That teasing asshole, teasing his asshole.

Cartman flipped him onto his back and covered him, licking at his mouth and fumbling for the lube he knew he left somewhere nearby _but where goddammit_. He found it and two fingers were inside Kyle with barely an introduction. There was a wince, a brief one, but Kyle was no stranger to this activity it seemed and Cartman was filled with the satisfying mental image of a past Kyle gripping his cock and fingering his ass in private. Maybe even thinking of him.

Cartman sat up to add a third, wanting to brand the vision into his mind forever of Kyle grasping at his shoulders and spreading his legs in anticipation. It wasn’t the best position for a first time, but behind meant he couldn’t check that Kyle wasn’t hiding any pain from him and on top Cartman didn’t trust Kyle not to rush things just to prove a point. Stubborn was his favourite of Kyle’s traits. It had always fuelled their ‘frivaly’. But it also got them into plenty of trouble.

He hooked Kyle’s legs around him and with a soothing kiss began to breach him, agonisingly slow, too slow for Kyle’s tastes and he arched Cartman into a thrust. “Kahl,” Cartman gasped at the shock of being half inside him so suddenly and Kyle peppered him with reassuring kisses. _It really shouldn’t be this way round_ , Cartman half-thought, but was far too interested in being completely buried inside Kyle to worry about roles. 

He pushed deeper and finally got his scream. And thankfully, it was the good kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview for next time:
> 
> So Kahl, you've just taken your first cock, how was it?
> 
> Didn't feel a thing.
> 
> Ay!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Addie, more wife, more smut, and an old friend resurfaces.

_Not good, not good at all_ , were Stan’s first thoughts upon opening his front door. He had been on his way to enjoy a quiet evening vegging in front of the television and letting his dinner digest when the doorbell had rung. Wendy was eating her way through yet another bowl of chips carefully balanced on her bump (she’d been making a mockery of the phrase ‘eating for two’ since the second month but Stan valued his life too much to call her out on it) and they had finally persuaded Addie that it was time for bed so she was upstairs in the nursery getting ready; not that he expected either of them to open the door in his stead.

His teeth worried at his lip and before the person in front of him could even ask he presumptuously said, “Kyle’s not here.”

“Oh, I see,” Shari muttered. “He’s not answering his phone and he’s not home so I just assumed. Well, if you see him…”

“Yeah sure, I’ll tell him you dropped by.”

“Thank you.” She cleared her throat. “How’s Wendy?”

“Great. Almost seven months.” He squeezed his eyes shut. _Why_ had he even brought that up? 

Shari gritted her teeth. “How time flies.”

“Uncle Staaaaan.” Addie jumped down the stairs two at a time. “The air bed is leaking.” She failed to mention it was because of the pocket knife she forgot to take out of her backpack falling onto it. “Oh no,” she groaned at their visitor. “It’s you.”

“Wait you’re… from the…” Shari turned and glowered at Stan. “Ugh, I should have known she was something to do with you.”

“Hey woah, she’s a friend’s kid that’s all. How do you two even know each other?”

“She was skulking around my apartment the other day with some guy. And I want to know why.”

“Jesus, Shari, she’s just a little girl. You’re acting like she’s some master criminal or something.” Addie smiled her ‘picture of innocence’ smile. “Then again,” Stan reconsidered, “her dad probably _is_.”

“Her dad?”

“Eric Theodore Cartman,” Addie proudly stated.

“Cartman?” She stared at the suddenly discomfited Stan. “Wait, that guy from school you and Kyle are always complaining about?” So that’s who that man was. “Why are you babysitting for someone like that?”

“Someone like WHAT?” Addie started up and Stan pulled her back before she tried to instigate her very first catfight.

Shari primly pushed her hair back from her face. “I apologise, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m just a little stressed lately.” She sensibly started back down the steps before things got ugly. “Sorry to bother you.”

“Er, yeah. Goodnightbye,” Stan called out before dashing back inside and slumping to the floor, relieved that it was all over. Addie plonked down next to him and patted his head consolingly. He was obviously terrible at dealing with Shari. She made him nervous as hell. “Come on kiddo,” he breathed out once he felt rested enough. “Let’s figure out this leaky air bed mystery.”

 _Mystery_. She laughed nervously. _Right_.

*******

_Shari hated being alone in the apartment as much as Kyle did. There were a few things she wanted and as he was nowhere to be found for the time being, though she gathered he was probably at Stan’s as usual, she may as well pack them up. They weren’t anything of Kyle’s anyway, apart from a few photos from the wedding. Unprofessional ones taken by his mother, mostly of Kyle and his family but there were a few of her hiding amongst them._

_She went through them slowly, picking out a nice one of her mother and little brother. Unsurprisingly her half-sister never RSVP’d. They hadn’t seen one another since she was in middle school and the South Park address she wrote to was years old. She hoped by announcing the wedding in the local paper her sister might see it and turn up. Then she hoped by actually living in South Park they might cross paths somehow. She saw it as serendipitous that her fiancé was from the same place as her sister lived, or at least she did the last time they spoke._

_She’d laugh at her, come to think of it. Had always thought marriage was for suckers. A common thought when you were from a broken home. If only Shari had been such a realist. Or at least wasn’t so stubborn that she didn’t listen to other people._

_Maybe if Shari had taken heed when Kyle had begged her not to do her residency in South Park, she’d have perceived his resentment about moving back. If she’d been more concerned at how quickly he’d changed his tune when he heard Stan and Wendy were moving back too, she might have noticed their weird symbiosis._

_Annoyingly, she liked them. Stan was good natured; simple but not in a stupid way. He was just easy to please. Wendy was smart and philanthropic, though not exactly rich enough for it. Shari certainly didn’t wish them any harm, or thought they deserved their bad luck._

_But there was definitely a clique feeling about South Park. Being a city girl she didn’t understand those small-town ways. And every conversation those two were involved in was dominated by names and places and activities she couldn’t grasp._

_Remember when Cartman...?_

_What about when at Stark’s Pond…?_

_Pirate ghosts or ghost pirates…?_

_She jumped at the sound of the key in the lock and began to gather up her things. “Sorry, I was just about to go,” she murmured at Kyle’s exclamation at seeing her on the floor of their room._

_“It’s okay. Oh that’s…” he reached for one of the photos. Him and his little brother Ike pretending to fight over a piece of cake. His face had been aching from smiling and the pose was killing him by the time his mother took the picture. She never was good with cameras._

_Shari stood up and shuffled the few pictures she’d chosen. “I’ll come back for the rest some other time.”_

_“You could stay for a while. I was going to order in.”_

_“That’s… not a good idea.”_

_“You in a hurry?” he smiled and it was as infectious as always._

_She woke the next morning in her old bed, Kyle mumbling in his sleep next to her, perfectly aware that her sister would_ definitely _be laughing at her now._

*******

That morning Cartman’s hands wanted to explore all the ways they could tickle Kyle without actually waking him but they failed miserably. Within seconds Kyle had stirred and berated him sleepily. Cartman resolved to be more honest about his needs and wrapped his body around him.

“So Kahl, you’ve just taken your first cock, how was it?”

Kyle turned his head slightly. “Didn’t feel a thing.”

“Ay! What are you implying?” Cartman sulked until Kyle ran the back of his hand along his cheek, burbled something about breakfast. “Sorry, I didn’t order anything.” Cartman’s bear hug intensified. “I had a funny feeling we wouldn’t get up in time.”

“So what’s the plan then?”

“We could raid Stan and Wendy’s later.”

Kyle yawned, “Sounds good. Few more minutes.”

“Don’t have to go for a while yet. So if you had any other plans for us, now’s the time.”

Kyle was fully awake now and wriggled out of his grasp so he could clamber on top of him. “I’m good to go again if you are.”

“Hella yeah.”

“Don’t say hella in bed, Cartman,” he chided, but was easily won over when Cartman kneaded his thighs and butt eagerly. Embarrassingly, a moan escaped when Cartman licked his chest and slid his imploring cock against his ass. He nodded and found himself gently pushed aside as Cartman went in search of the lubricant. He tossed it into Kyle’s hands and settled back into the pillows with his arms behind his head. “Ride me, Jew.”

“Fucking excuse me?”

“Pwetty pwease?” he fluttered his eyelashes becomingly. “I’m swo tired this morwing.”

“You were so anxious about all this last night,” Kyle teased gently. “You got over your aversion pretty quick.”

“My aversion to fucking or Jews?”

“You’re really something Cartman, you know that right?”

“Yup.”

“Okay, I’ll do it as you asked sooo nicely,” Kyle said shrewdly as he remounted. “But what do I get out of it?”

“My amazing dick in you.”

“Sounds good, but I want something else too.”

Cartman smirked, “Little too soon for DP, rookie.”

“Dammit Cartman,” Kyle smacked his chest. “I’m being serious.”

“I know what you’re going to ask for.” What he’d been pestering him about all week, no doubt. He turned his head away. “No deal.”

“Fine.” Kyle leant down and painfully held Cartman’s wrists above his head. 

“Da fuh, Jew?”

“If you won’t let me tie you _down_ …” 

He whispered something into Cartman’s ear that made him drown. 

“…then you’re going to let me tie you _up_.”

*******

Kyle and Cartman met halfway over the tying up suggestion. Still wary that B.J. was somewhere around the corner, Cartman wasn’t going to risk not being able to react to any situation, not that he was going to explain all that to Kyle. He used Addie as his excuse instead and so Kyle got to tie just the one hand loosely back and Cartman could get a broken wrist if he needed to in an emergency. His other hand was banished underneath the pillow and he super-cereal promised not to move it, a vow that was becoming more and more difficult to keep with every bob of Kyle’s head as he fellated him with delightfully filthy-sounding smacks of his lips.

Cartman groaned unhappily when Kyle stopped, even though he knew it was to make way for something better and his hand twitched desperately under his pillow.

Kyle steadied himself above Cartman’s cock nudging the head between his cheeks. He was a little wary. Last night hadn’t been painful, not like Cartman insisted, but it had been underwhelming. He just felt odd and full and really the only part he’d enjoyed was the closeness of it, and how Cartman had completely lost himself.

As Kyle lowered himself his eyes flew open in surprise. This time felt different. Fuller somehow and when he leant back… “Aaaahhh!”

“You okay?” Cartman’s hand cupped his face.

“Fuck yes.” Kyle brushed him away. “Hand back mister, you promised.”

“Yessir,” he saluted then tucked it away. Kyle adjusted his position and undulated back and forth gently accommodating himself to Cartman’s dick, his patience rewarded when he leant back again and lifted off to hit that certain something inside. Cartman licked his lips at the beautifully obscene sight of pre-come bridging Kyle’s cock to his stomach. He moved his hips to meet Kyle as he slid back down again and God he wanted that yelp he let out as a ringtone or something so he could play it over and over. He made do with repeating the manoeuvre so that he could hear it again right then and there and Kyle obligingly moaned.

And suddenly Kyle was moving faster, his body setting a rhythm to a song Cartman didn’t know so he let Kyle do what he wanted and get what he needed, head falling back as he came deep inside and spilled down his thighs. “Jesus,” he breathed into Kyle’s mouth when he bent forward to nip at him. 

“You have permission to use your hand now.” Kyle tugged it out from under the pillow. “ _If_ you put it to good use.”

Cartman gave him a lopsided grin as his hand moved lower. “Careful what you wish for, Kahl.”

*******

“Addie, sweetie, look at the camera!”

“Mom, staaaahp, leave her alooooone.”

“It’s our first Hanukmas together, I’m excited! Aren’t you excited?”

“Are all these for me?”

Kyle paused the video. Shit, she was tiny. And Cartman was thin as hell. He definitely preferred the snoring lump lying beside him now.

Cartman hadn’t been kidding when he said he was tired and had fallen asleep almost as soon as he had ‘thanked’ Kyle for his efforts that morning. But just before he nodded off fully he had surprisingly offered his cell phone to Kyle. “Go through the media shit if you want. Satisfy your curiosity.” It had, Kyle had enjoyed nosing through their private life before him. He should really have gone through it chronologically, he was realising too late. This was the first video recorded.

“Yes they’re all for you,” Liane simpered in the background.

“Why?”

His heart broke a little. No kid should have to ask that.

“Just open them. Mom, give me my phone.”

The picture blurred and Liane was in shot next to Addie, waving. “Get my good side Eric! Open this one first, sweetie.”

“What is it?”

Kyle recognised the furry pink ball immediately.

“An ushanka.” The phone turned around and Cartman jeered into the camera. “Some little gayass I used to know had one.” Kyle snorted with laughter.

“It’s warm,” Kyle heard her say off camera and it turned around to show that she had pulled it on and was hugging the flaps around her ears comfortingly. He smiled sadly. This version of Addie was so quiet and meek. Cartman had completely wrecked whatever shell she used to live in. _Good_.

He stopped the video and put Cartman’s cell phone back as it began to vibrate again. It had done that all morning. Someone ringing, named simply ‘Boss’. A faint streak of immorality told him to answer it but he had pushed it down. The phone stopped and with a satisfied sigh, Kyle wrapped his arms around Cartman and nudged the back of his neck with his nose. “We need to check out soon, dude.” 

“I guess. We’ve given Bebe enough material for her gay Tumblr dash.” Cartman extended his arms with a pained groan and picked up his phone. “Like what you saw?”

“Very cute. But I’m surprised you don’t have any dodgy shit on there. I mean, considering…”

“Get requests now and then. But I delete all that once it’s sent.”

Kyle sat up. “Oh? I see,” he said with a frown. He would have gone further into the issue had Cartman not chucked his own cell phone at him. “What?”

“You got some messages from your boyfriend.”

Kyle swiped the screen. “Ah…”

“Wha?”

“You might not like this…”

“Shit what’s wrong?” Cartman fell out of the bed without waiting for a reply, gathering up his clothes and shucking them on.

“Nothing, nothing! Wendy had a craving for churros so they went out and now they’re loitering around the zoo. They want to know if we want to meet them there or have a few more hours to ourselves.”

“A few more hours.” Cartman sat on the floor with his shirt on his head and one pant leg (the wrong pant leg) over his foot. It had already been over fifteen hours since he last saw her. Okay so she was asleep for most of them but still. 

“Cartman,” Kyle sighed at his forlorn face. “It’s okay if you want to go.”

“No.” Cartman hooked his toe into his pants and discarded them resolutely. “You’re right, this is fucking dumb. Tell Mrs. and Mrs. Hippy we’ll catch up with them later.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” He cosied up next to Kyle on the bed and thread his fingers through what was left of his hair. “Let’s go home.”

*******

_“This is nice,” Kyle said, stealing a bit of Shari’s pad thai._

 _“I know, that’s why I ordered it for_ me _.”_

_“Haha, not the food, I meant this, just hanging out. Being together. Like old times.” He shovelled a forkful of his own takeout into his mouth. “No pweshure.”_

_Shari, who had also felt lazy and given up on using chopsticks, speared a piece of chicken with her own fork. “I like it too.” A week of just casually running into one another and falling into bed. It suited Kyle, and her, for the moment. “But we can’t do this forever.”_

_“We can’t?”_

_“For one thing you conveniently forget that we're in the middle of a divorce.” She put her dinner down. “Or is that cancelled now?”_

_Kyle stopped eating, appetite gone. “I was kind of hoping yes? We’re having fun, and I mean…” He shrugged. “I still love you.”_

_“Which is important. But there’s a lot to work through.” She stabbed at her food. “At least Stan and Wendy will be busy with their baby. If they’re out the way then perha-”_

_“Wow, out the way? That’s a little harsh.”_

_“You know what I mean. We can concentrate on_ us _at last. Maybe have our own baby.”_

_Wow. All the time he’d known her Shari had her whole life planned out right down to the day. Babies were years away according to ‘the plan’. “I thought you wanted to wait until after the residency.”_

_“Maybe… we need to reassess things. And besides it might bring us closer.”_

_“Shari, having a baby is the absolute worst way to save a marriage, I thought you were smarter than that.”_

_“Well excuse me for trying. At least one of us has to work at this. I don’t see why it always has to be me.”_

_He ran his hands across his scalp. “I don’t want to argue, Shari. We were having a nice quiet night with some takeout. Can’t we just go back to that?”_

_No way was she letting it drop. “So_ I _ruined things? Of course, that’s always me too.”_

_“I didn’t say that. You’re always putting words in my mouth.”_

_And so they were arguing again, about the usual things. Nothing had changed, of course it hadn’t, because_ they _hadn’t. It was the same old debate, the same old points of contention. And somehow, Kyle never remembered exactly how it came up, he confessed about Wendy’s baby amidst it all. She misinterpreted exactly how it all happened, not that it would really have mattered. Whether he had betrayed his best friend or been jerking into sample bottles for almost a year made no difference._

_This time she was gone for good. And this time he didn’t blame her._

*******

The Boss paced unhappily through the warehouse, ignoring the latest catch that his goons were reducing to a mangled pulp on the floor. Cartman still hadn’t answered his calls or voicemails.

“Boss?” One of his men approached cautiously. He grunted for them to continue. “He’s at a hotel. Saw him check in last night with a ginger kid like what you described. And check this out.” He held out his phone, set on a photo sharing app. A blurry picture of Cartman and his new friend getting into an elevator with the caption ‘guess whos fuckin omg’.

One of the henchmen pummelling the man on the floor took a break to peer over his colleague’s shoulder and cackled loudly. “Wow, Cartman’s sure punching above his weight ain’t he? And that’s hard when you’re already a fat fuck.”

“Careful,” the Boss murmured steadily, “what you say about my Eric.” The goon scuttled away with several apologies.

“Did you say ‘Eric Cartman’?” The bloodied body on the floor stirred to life. 

A henchman nearby prodded him with his foot. “Haven’t you had enough? Stay down, you stupid bastard.”

“Wait,” the Boss snapped, almost running over to him. “You know Eric Cartman?”

“Everyone in South Park knows that crazy-ass motherfucker. But you just so happen to be talking to his Super-Bestie.” He was pulled up by his blond hair. “Ah, Jesus!”

The Boss growled in his face, “Tell me everything you know.”

“Oh no, see, you’re confusing the term Super-Bestie with pussy-faced snitch.”

“Talk. Now.”

“Why?” he dribbled a small pool of blood onto his t-shirt. “What other bones do I have for you to break?”

The Boss growled again. “Who is this asswipe?” he spat at his men.

“Kenny McCormick. Brought him in on gambling debts.”

“I’m a bad widdle boy,” Kenny smirked, earning another punch to the gut when he was tossed back to the henchmen.

The Boss leant over his quivering body as Kenny huddled on the floor clutching his stomach. “Tell me about Eric and his pretty little boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” he lifted his head eagerly.

“Tall, slim.” He paused as he realised he was forgetting the more obvious striking part of his looks. “Ginger.”

Kenny was almost giddy with laughter. “Oh wow, he’s finally hitting that? About damn time. Fuck I’m jelly.”

“So you _do_ know him?”

“Nope.”

“You understand that whatever pathetic little money you took from us could be swept under the rug for an exchange of information.”

“Wow, you know, that changes everything.” Kenny motioned him closer. Then grinned. “Fuck you.”

“Well,” the Boss stood up straight, “I know one thing for certain. You’re definitely one of Eric’s associates.” He nodded at one of his men. “Clean him up.” 

“The fuck for, Boss?”

“He’s going to be bait.”

“Aw shit,” Kenny muttered as he was dragged away.

The Boss held his hand out to his henchman. “Let me see that picture again.” He scrolled through the comments and tags.

_Lol whos top? #TeamBtmBtchKyle #KyleBlowjobski_

_Sticks n stones may break Kyles bones but whips and chains excite him #SadoCartman_

_Fifty Shades of Fat #ucandobetterkyle_

The Boss ran his hand over his face. Of course, he should have known. Okay, he hadn’t seen him for several years and he’d changed his hair but this was unforgivably stupid.

“Oh Kyle, you just love to keep crossing me don’t you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who missed Kenny? I missed Kenny. Beautiful little angel that he is.
> 
> And that's not a typo, Cartman did call Stan and Wendy Mrs. And Mrs.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flirting, smut-angst, plain angst. That’s all I can say about this.

Feeling lighter-hearted than he thought he would, Cartman leant against Kyle in the elevator so he could have one last grope of his butt before they were caught under the not necessarily forgiving eye of the public. A public Kyle was already furious at. “Have you seen this shit on Bebe’s post? I am not a bottom bitch.”

Cartman put his chin on Kyle’s shoulder to get a better view of his phone. “Don’t straight people have better things to do? Anyway,” he sniggered, “you kinda are.”

“I am not! I only did that bec-”

“What? Oh I see.” Cartman drew back from his comfy position draped on Kyle’s back. “Don’t do me any favours, Kahl.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I did want to.” His face reddened. “If anything _I_ pushed _you_.”

“Not _that_ hard,” said Cartman and they exchanged bashful smiles. “But I get it. Your brain is still in straight mode. Taking is gay, uber gay, the gayest part of being gay. That and musicals. Oh my god, Kahl, please don’t tell me you like musicals.” Cartmen fell on him, dramatically sobbing.

Kyle played along. “I like both, sorry.” He patted Cartman’s back. “Is it over between us?”

“Afraid so.” The elevator door opened. “But maybe I’ll reconsider.”

“Oh?" said Kyle as they went to the reception. Bebe wasn’t there, so at least they didn’t have to deal with that. Yet Kyle was disappointed. He had a few choice words for her and he couldn’t use them now.

Cartman handed back the room key and led him out. “Let’s get back to yours. See if you can convince me to give you a second chance.”

“You’re truly gracious, Cartman.”

Cartman just smiled wickedly. “First we need breakfast, if the hippies aren’t going to provide. Hey…”

“Yeah?”

“What do they do? I mean, they got a whole weekday off to piss around the zoo. They in retail like you?”

“Wendy does classes at a community centre. Teaches like arts and crafts and writing. All kinds of stuff. Doesn’t get any money from it but she loves it. Stan’s a tree surgeon.”

Alarmingly Cartman had to stop and sit on the ground until his roaring laughter waned to the point that he could breathe again. “The tree-hugger is a lumberjack? That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It’s mostly pruning really, from how he tells it.”

Cartman stopped shaking for long enough that he could get back up and he threw his arm around Kyle and kissed his cheek. “This is now _officially_ the best day of my life.”

*******

Something was dripping in one of the next rooms and the sound had steadily been driving him nuts. He thought perhaps he saw something on TV about that being used as a form of torture but the exact memory was failing to surface. He squirmed on the battered office chair he was tied to. The wheels had been cut off. Smart. His feet had been tied to the legs so he couldn’t even drag himself manually. Smarter still.

He tried to get a good feel for the room. The walls were white and the floor had a plush carpet. It was empty apart from him and a dressing table and a rack of clothes, boxes of shoes… Holy shit was this a walk-in wardrobe? This guy was loaded.

The Boss entered from the other room and judging from how he was towelling his now wet hair it was a bathroom. Explained the dripping at least. “I really should apologise, Kenny, that I didn’t recognise you before now. Don’t take this the wrong way but I thought you were dead.”

“I get that a lot, no biggie.”

“But then I remembered I saw you alive and well soon after. And of course you’re here now, so I must have been mistaken.”

“Obviously,” said Kenny a little weirded out by now. He had no clue who this guy was. He stayed silent as the Boss sat at the table and dried his hair before getting out a pair of straighteners and eradicating his curls before slicking them down with gel.

“Make yourself comfortable, Kenny,” the Boss finally spoke, the suddenness making Kenny jump a little. “As much as I’d like to hurry this along, it’s my anniversary tonight.” His wife, his beard if he was honest, had insisted on a Summer wedding (selfishly ignoring his asthma) after seeing Kyle get married under a lovely traditional chuppah. “A Summer wedding,” he scowled. “She didn’t even consider my allergies.”

“Uh dude, I’m not a marriage counsellor, you know.”

The boss shrugged. “Anyway, apologies. Things shall have to be postponed.”

“Aw, shame.” Kenny writhed. “Wait, what if I need the bathroom?”

“Hold it.”

“All night?!”

“And day. You’ll see me in the evening. Don’t miss me too much.” He smiled smugly at Kenny’s distressed face and closed the door. He wasn’t cruel, had in fact left a few of his men hanging around to attend to any of his needs, and also to make sure he didn’t escape. If memory served, Kenny was as slippery as Cartman could be.

Actually he couldn’t really trust his memory. He hadn’t recognised Kenny, or Kyle… or Cartman.

The previous boss had always called him Eric, and he’d changed a lot since they were children. Few of the other men in their group called him Cartman and even then it hadn’t filtered in. No, no, he had to recognise him on that day he had ascended to the rank of boss after he had eagerly led Cartman to his desk and casually bent him over. They were fucking and he demanded Cartman call him by name. That was when his mind triggered. He laughed so hard it completely took him out of the mood.

For a few minutes anyway. The best part was Cartman’s face afterwards when he told him who he was. Horror, contempt, foolishness, plastered all over it, and the feelings were all mutual.

From the moment Cartman joined their syndicate, his days were numbered. Boss Jr. hated him, hated the way he was treated as a prodigy by Boss Sr. with an unbridled passion. It was just a case of waiting to become boss himself and then the more fun task of choosing when and where and how.

But then Cartman had to go and be the reason he became boss. So he owed him. And then he got to know this new version of Cartman, who was oddly charming, certainly compared to the spoiled angry brat he once knew.

Shit he fell, and fell hard. And no-one was going to stand in his way.

*******

“How many Jews does it take to get to the centre of my dick?”

“I swear to God, Cartman…”

“Just yooouuuuu,” he grinned from underneath. 

“That doesn’t even make any sense!” Kyle huffed, rearranging their limbs and snuggling into him as they lazed around watching TV. Initially intending to do something much more vigorous that afternoon, Cartman had napped briefly on the couch as soon as they got home. He looked so comfortable that Kyle couldn’t resist clambering on top and an hour later nothing had changed. Except Cartman was awake and being irritating. “C’moooon. Ten dolla, sucky-sucky?”

“No, go back to sleep.”

“Wow, turning down money. You sick, Jew?”

“M’tired,” Kyle tried to slide down to the side but they were both too big. He knew he should have gotten one of those pull-out corner couches. He slid to the floor instead and mumbled he was going to bed. 

He was barely under the covers when Cartman wriggled in next to him. He didn’t mind so much; Cartman was a living, breathing hot water bottle. August was ending and even in the space of a week the usual South Park chill was beginning to creep back.

Cartman had been back almost a week. They’d been together for only a few days. Yet somehow he was having trouble remembering there not being a Cartman in his life. Kyle rolled into him when the mattress sank from his bulk and Cartman gathered him up eagerly. “I could be at the zoo right now, getting my face painted, throwing squid at manta rays, you know that right?”

Kyle nodded.

“Okay, I’ll stop being a douche. But I’m going to rock you later.”

Kyle nodded again, felt Cartman squeeze him tighter as he drifted off. Some time after he awoke to the sound of Cartman in the bathroom and settled back into his pillow, awaking again a few minutes later to the familiar sensation of Cartman getting bored and therefore handsy. He pulled him on top instantly, rested enough that he could enjoy fooling around. Cartman courteously supported some of his weight on his arms and knees and happy to just kiss and fondle above the sleepy Kyle’s waist. That suited Kyle fine, he was a little sore. His overzealousness that morning had taken its toll.

Maybe Cartman knew that. Kyle’s head fell back on the pillow as Cartman drew back to look at him. “Kahl… I…” his eyebrows furrowed as if confused.

“What’s wrong?” Kyle’s thumb traced the corner of Cartman’s down-turned lips.

“I want… you to fuck me.”

*******

“I think it’s cute. Disturbing, but cute.”

“So Kyle and Cartman makes sense to you?” Stan sat complacently as his wife ‘helped’ him finish his ice-cream.

“Ten years ago, no. I’d have thought Kyle was insane.” She gestured Stan’s snack at Addie. “But look how much he’s had to change. And he actually _has_.”

“I guess. He’s actually tolerable now.” The last of his ice-cream disappeared. “And Kyle’s way better these days. Happier. I hate to admit that it might be because of Cartman.”

“And her.” Wendy added. Addie was sat still in a surprising show of patience as her face was painted, pivoting on the stool to wave at them only when the artist paused for paint or to steady his aching hand. “Anyway,” said Wendy mischievously, “Cartman’s a good kisser.”

Stan paled.

“Heidi and I even compared notes once.”

“Please stop Wendy, I’m begging you.” 

He was saved by Addie running over to show off her new look. “Your turn, Uncle Stan.”

“Oh no, it’s just for kids Addie.”

“There’s no line and I already asked.” She pointed at the artist who was already setting up some clean brushes with a grin.

Wendy giggled and shouted out after him as Addie dragged him to the booth, “Better get used to this kind of thing, Stan.” His withering glare only made her laugh harder.

*******

Kyle sat up staring at Cartman. “Why?”

“Why not?”

“It’s just…” Kyle drew the covers over his lap. He didn’t need to be looking at that right now, not that it stopped him from feeling it, and it felt very interested in the conversation. “I thought that because of…” He ran a hand up Cartman’s arm. “Is this because of what I said earlier? About being the receiver because of you?”

“Kinda. You don’t have to treat me like some kind of delicate little princess. If anything I’m more qualified to take a cock than you.”

“I just don’t want you to associate me with those guys. Make you feel used like they did.”

Cartman snorted. “Jeez Kahl, you make me sound like a rape victim. Fuck you. I let those guys do me.”

“Let them? Do you even hear yourself? Sounds like rape to me.”

“It’s…" Cartman paused. “A grey area.”

“It sure as hell isn’t consent.”

“You don’t get to decide that.” Cartman was stressed again, his fingers gripping into the sheets. And Kyle began to wonder if Cartman wasn’t hoping this would be like some sort of therapy. That sleeping with Kyle would somehow wash away all those other bodies. Cleanse him like a baptism. One thing was certain in Kyle’s mind. Cartman was right; Kyle didn’t get to decide what he wanted… or needed.

“Okay,” Kyle yielded and cautiously threaded his fingers through Cartman’s hair. “If you’re sure.”

“Yeah well, you love riding my dick so much you’ve inspired me to give it another go,” said Cartman suddenly turning back into Cartman, much to Kyle’s relief. His mood always could spin on a dime.

“Hell no are you riding me, fatass.”

“Ay! Course I’m not. I’d crush a pipsqueak like you.” He knelt up at the head of the bed, holding the backboard. “How’s that?”

Kyle would have preferred facing in some way, but whatever made Cartman comfortable. “First, let’s get back in the mood.” He slipped between Cartman’s arms and licked the crook of his neck.

“Sounds good,” Cartman murmured against Kyle’s hair relishing the feel of Kyle’s wandering hands, every touch erasing the reminder of unwanted hands, replaced with loving ones.

*******

Cartman held Kyle’s hand against his chest, the other gripping the headboard with white knuckles. Kyle moved his other hand around and stroked his dick, lazily moving his own inside Cartman, giving him the time he needed before upping the speed. Cartman’s heart was hammering under his palm already and he had the horrible feeling it wasn’t from arousal.

Then Cartman reached back blindly and pulled his hip closer, groaning softly when Kyle understood his signal to move deeper and faster. Cartman craned his neck back for an uncomfortable but much needed kiss. For a moment he’d forgotten where he was and it was Kyle’s quiet panting at his back and tender teasing at the head of his cock that brought him back to safety.

Kyle panicked as Cartman shuddered against him and he ceased moving, scared that something had snapped in his mind. The warm drizzle of come on his hand brought him to a happier conclusion and he drove deeper, milking the rest out of Cartman before his own come flooded inside and seeped down coating his stomach and thighs.

Kyle hugged him, soothing his damp back with kisses. Cartman was far from ‘cured’ and probably never would be. But he understood the importance of this new bond, and was grateful.

Cartman whispered something and Kyle withdrew to move beside him, asking him to repeat it. Because it couldn’t have been what he thought he heard. And when Cartman said it again he drew him close, and although he was somewhere between laughing and sobbing he found the sentience to answer him by nodding.

_“Can I… really stay with you?”_

*******

He was wearing a trail into the carpet from patrolling restlessly in front of the door. Twenty-two hours. A _fantastic_ twenty-two hours but enough was enough. He replayed the message on the machine where the hippy promised to deliver his child within the hour. Fifty minutes later and Cartman was going insane.

The door unlocked and he fell to his knees as a small pink creature flew into him, instinctively clamping his arms around it. “Careful!” Addie scolded, “You’ll mess up my face.”

He drew back to look at her. “Oh cool, uh… what are you?”

“A vampire panda.”

“Awesome.”

“It didn’t take much to persuade the face-painting guy to do it,” Stan chuckled from the doorway. “He was happy to paint something different. But he only knew animals so we compromised. And you’ll never guess who the guy was. Your fellow fatass, Clyde Donovan.”

“Ay, he’s a fatass – I’m big-boned.” He wheeled his daughter around. “Now Addie, what do you say to Uncle Stan?”

“Um,” she thought hard. “Stay away from my boyfriend, hippy.”

“No, the other thing.”

“Oh, thanks for letting me stay and taking me to the zoo and thank you to Aunt Wendy for teaching me oregano.”

Stan laughed gently, “It’s pronounced origami. And you’re very welcome.” Cartman rolled his eyes. She knew very well how it was pronounced. She was playing up her cuteness for Stan and annoyingly it was working. With a well-rehearsed curtsey she picked up her backpack, which was somehow fuller since last night, and went to her room, leaving Cartman and Stan hovering awkwardly in Kyle’s living room.

“Thanks for watching her. I owe you any money?”

“Would I get it?”

“Nope.”

Amused, Stan shook his head. “We predicted that. It’s cool. And it was no problem. We had fun.” Stan looked around the room. “Where’s Kyle?”

“Sleeping,” said Cartman, trying not to sound smug.

“Oh,” was Stan’s answer. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Listen Cartman, I just wanted to say… uh.”

“Something like ‘I’m a hippy pacifist but break his heart and I’ll break your nose’?”

Stan hid a smile behind his hand. “That too, but mostly just… thanks. The last few months, years really, Kyle hasn’t been himself. Seeing him like that at our party was just crazy. And if that’s because of you then… we’re cool. So yeah, thank you. Thank you for bringing back Kyle.”

“Wow Stan…” Cartman gasped, hand over his heart. “You know you’re the gayest person in this room right now?”

Stan sighed. “I guess it was too much to ask you to completely change.” He smiled. “But that’s cool too. So,” he hit Cartman’s arm. “When you getting hitched?”

“Gross. Addie says marriage is for suckers and I’m inclined to agree.”

“Whatever.” Stan toyed with his car keys and headed for the door. “Oh and Cartman?”

“Yah?”

He pointed at his painted face. “Thanks for not commenting on this.”

“Why would I? You’re such a pwetty butterfwy, Stanwey,” Cartman cooed as the hippy stormed out of the door.

*******

“A word please, missy.”

Addie looked up from her backpack guiltily, “Yes daddy?”

Cartman folded his arms. “Yeah don’t even try. What you got in there?”

She upturned the backpack and a pile of plush toys and pins and other zoo paraphernalia poured onto the bed. “Souvenirs.”

“Did these souvenirs perhaps not pass through the cash register?”

“I _might_ have skipped that part.”

He pinched his nose. “Honey, you can’t steal from a zoo. They need that money to… I dunno… breed lemurs or something. Besides,” he sat on the bed. “Boss doesn’t like it when we partake in additional activities.”

“Do we have to take it all back?”

“Meh. Too risky. We’ll just work out what it’s worth and donate the amount.”

“We don’t have that kind of money. Do we?”

“Don’t worry about it. Kyle will volunteer to reimburse them.”

“Will Kyle _know_ he’s volunteering?”

Cartman ruffled her hair. “You ask too many questions.” 

Kyle interrupted them by knocking at the door. “Can I come in?” 

He stepped back when Cartman appeared in front of him. “Don’t bother, we’re done. Time for food I reckon.”

“Great. Then we can all talk.”

“Talk?” said Addie following them to the kitchen, dragging Clyde Frog behind. Kyle patted one of the bar stools and after she had sat down the two men worryingly stood together opposite her trading shy glances.

Kyle decided to start, “Ads, we were wondering – and I mean we haven’t got all the details sorted yet – but do you… I mean would you like to live here?”

“Just me?”

“No, Cartman too.”

“What about our job?”

“That’s one of the details we’ve got to sort out,” Cartman muttered. Kyle brushed his hand against his. 

Lying in bed, holding Kyle’s hands in his, Cartman had told him a little more about his life after school. Committing petty crimes and starving half to death for a couple of years until his talents were noticed by a crime syndicate. How they’d invited him in, given him supplies and he’d done what was asked of him. How the boss had deemed him his favourite and that was probably why they’d welcomed his daughter. That and recognising the advantage of a cute accomplice. 

Cartman didn’t give away all the information regarding the change-up between bosses; Kyle was already dealing with enough and didn’t need to know that Cartman had committed yet another murder, and Cartman couldn’t tell him who the current boss was. That would make things unpleasant for everyone involved. But at least Kyle now knew that Cartman couldn’t just walk out.

“We could live on the road,” he’d offered. “They won’t catch us. They’d give up after a while. It’s not like you owe them money or anything.”

“You’d hate the road. You’d never be able to cut off from your Jew family. Not to mention your boyfriend.” Cartman had then cradled Kyle’s face. “They find out you know him, they’ll use that. They’ll use anyone you know.”

“Oh Cartman, why do you have to suck at making friends,” Kyle retorted, bringing their hands to his lips. Their ideas fell short at that point and they decided to sleep rather than keep worrying.

Awake again and facing an uncertain future, they hadn’t predicted Addie bursting into tears at the breakfast bar. Cartman was at her side instantly. “You don’t want to stay here, hun?”

“I want… I want…” she snivelled. _I want Kyle._ This was all moving too fast. A few days ago they were in love, now they were moving in together, soon then… it would be too late for her. Cartman stared helplessly at Kyle, couldn’t understand his daughter’s distress.

Kyle supposed she was feeling as abandoned as Cartman had thought she might. They needed a peace-offering. “Tell you what Ads, today’s been a long day. Why don’t you sleep on it? And to make up for leaving you at Stan’s, tomorrow we can do whatever you want. I’m at work in the morning but it’s a half-day. So you’re in charge of the afternoon. What do you say? Anything you want.” He suddenly remembered just who he was talking to. “Well like, within reason.”

She wiped the tears from her eyes and glanced at Clyde Frog. _The plan._ “Can we go to the mountains?”

Cartman gave her a quizzical look. “The mountains? It’s Summer, hun. You want to be cold just wait a few weeks.”

“But I’ve never been up there.”

“Ugh, but then we have to go get our Winter shit from mom’s and then there’s all that hiking an-”

Kyle kneaded him in the shoulder with his fist. “Cartman, don’t bitch. I think it’s a great idea. A nice hike will do you good.”

Cartman didn’t seem convinced, but Addie had calmed down and that was what was most important right now. Tomorrow after work, they’d pick Kyle up and go for a nice walk in the mountains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those that are curious, there have been clues before now as to Boss’s identity. In fact one innocuous statement way back in chapter one is the biggest clue. I’ll be honest you’re probably going to be really disappointed when you find out so try not to spend too much time guessing. If you do think you know, sssh don't comment, you can be smug about it later.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kyle is a dirty girl :3

He took longer than usual to tuck his daughter into bed that night, Kyle noticed. After her outburst in the kitchen, Cartman was hypersensitive to any vulnerability and didn’t leave her side all night. Kyle was understanding and did the cooking so they could spend time together, taking a peek now and then at the adorable scene of Addie enthusiastically telling Cartman all about the zoo and how the sea otters weren’t scary or atheist ( _atheist???_ ) and doing arts and crafts with Wendy. Cartman dutifully nodded and laughed and looked surprised in all the right places of the story.

Clearly his bedtime too, Kyle flung out his long arms as a yawn rippled through him. Though he wasn’t so much tired as bored of the textbook he was reading. Cartman wandered in as Kyle shook off another yawn. Cartman tisked at him. “You don’t have to wait up, you know.”

“How is she?” he probed. Her response when Kyle said goodnight earlier had barely been audible. A sensation of guilt slithered across his nape.

“Quiet. I don’t like it. It means she’s either up to something or upset. Not sure which I’d prefer.” Cartman narrowed his eyes and caressed his evening stubble. “Talks plenty to Clyde Frog.”

“So did you when you were a kid.”

“No I mean she _talks_ to it. I totally knew it was pretend when I was her age.”

Kyle gave him a knowing grin, “Sure you did, Cartman.”

He shrugged, “Well whatever. If it helps her deal with shit.”

“You think it does? Maybe. I guess it’s like those puppets in therapy. Or Mr. Hat.”

“Oh Jesus, like Garrison??? You think she’ll be as fucked up as that?!”

“I’m sure she’ll grow out of it.”

Cartman settled into Kyle’s consoling arms. “Hopefully. I don’t know whether to encourage it or ignore it or what. Mostly I just play along.”

“Unfortunately Cartman, there’s an important lesson all parents face.”

“What’s that?”

“You can only do your best. Your kid will be fucked up no matter what you do because people just _are_ fucked up. All you can do is make sure they don’t die.”

“Well that’s depressing, thanks Kahl.”

Kyle hugged him tighter, sneaking his hand under Cartman’s shirt to caress his belly. “Sorry, when I was studying to be a doctor I might have delved into the child psychology side of it too much.” Bedside manner was important to Kyle, especially with vulnerable patients. Hospitals were frightening places.

Cartman looked deep in thought. “Death though…”

“Now who’s being depressing?”

“She’s obsessed with it,” he explained. “And monsters.”

Kyle had noticed that but gave Cartman a reassuring, “She’s eight. We were into all that creepy stuff too.”

Cartman chewed his nails. “It’s probably because of her mom.”

“Do you know how she died?” Kyle stretched up and switched off the lamp and shifted back into position.

Cartman hissed slightly, unsure of giving the answer. “Overdose.”

“Holy shit! Was Addie there?”

“No thank fuck, her mom was out with a client. They reckon he gave her the stuff.”

“Client?” Kyle frowned until Cartman turned his head gave him a meaningful look. Oh, a _client_.

“Probably why they threw her at me so fast. Cops were sniffing around the brothel an-”

“BROT-” Kyle clamped his hand over his mouth. “Jesus, Cartman!”

“What? You’re looking at me like it’s my fault!”

“No, I’m not just… shit… fuck. She lived like that? Cartman you must be some kind of child whisperer for her to be this normal.”

“Don’t say child whisperer, Kahl, it sounds like a synonym for paedophile. And apart from being a little gross where she lived wasn’t so bad. Lady who ran it seemed to want what was best for her. Unfortunately she got me.”

“You’re fishing, Cartman.” Kyle nuzzled his cheek. “You know I think you’ve got this all wrapped up.” 

Cartman was secretly flattered by Kyle’s misplaced faith in him. “Yup, come a long way from when I used to go crying to mom about everything. Myeooommm serssleeehhhh!”

“Cartman you’re doing that right in my ear, stop it!” he whined. Even if it was a softer impression of Cartman’s normal screech it still stabbed his eardrums. “Go to sleep, asshole.”

“I don’t even get a handy-jay to help send me off? Weak.”

Cartman’s complaints were quickly smothered by Kyle’s pillow in his face.

*******

The only thing Kenny thought was more boring than playing cards, was watching other people playing cards. The only point he saw to them was for a little flutter and even then Kenny would rather ride chaos theory at the roulette table. He didn’t have the patience or concentration for poker. Still, the bastards could have offered to deal him in.

“Stop squirming, Blondie,” one of the men left to guard him growled, dealing another hand. 

Kenny stopped rocking on the chair. “I’m fucking bored. When’s your boy coming back?”

“Oh man, if he heard you call him that,” the other goon chuckled.

“What? He’s got to be like twelve or something.”

The first man deadpanned at him. “He’s twenty-seven.”

That shocked Kenny alright. “He had work done or something?”

“Yeah well,” he gestured to the bedroom they’d moved Kenny into, “it’s not like he can’t afford it.”

“I guess.” Kenny just thought with such a small figure and youthful face he had to be younger. But then why would a guy like that be running a crime syndicate. And why would Cartman, or any of these hulking morons he’d met, bother obeying such a runt. May as well ask. “So what’s the deal with Cartman and your boss?”

“Cartman? Oh you mean ‘The Mouth’.”

“Why do you call him that?”

“Coupla reasons.” Kenny grimaced at their laughter. Really didn’t want to think about Cartman’s mouth. “But mostly because he’s always popping off. For some reason the Boss finds it funny.”

“Kind of miss the old boss,” the other henchman sighed. “He put up with less of his shit.”

Kenny was piqued. “Old boss? What happened to him?”

The henchmen looked at each other nervously. “Don’t know for sure. It’s all rumours. He’s dead that’s all you need to know.”

The other one slammed down his cards. “Oh for fu- It’s _so_ obvious Eric did it.”

“Shut up! If this guys squeals about all this to the Boss…”

“It’s fucking hilarious though. If Eric hadn’t done that…”

“I’m serious!”

“… _he’d_ be the boss now.”

Kenny’s chair creaked unhappily as he lurched as far forward as he could. “Woah, Cartman was going to be your boss?”

“Now you’ve fucking done it.”

“Look guys,” Kenny leant back, giving them his most sincere smile, “We all know I’m going to be murdered the second Cartman turns up. So let’s connect, share, bring up childhood trauma. I’m taking it all with me.”

“We’ve seen enough movies to know what happens when the bad guys reveal too much to the good guys.”

“Aw, you’re not bad guys.” He looked at the feeble poker hands they both had. “You’re bad card players but you’re not bad guys.”

“Okay Blondie,” the first goon conceded. “The first thing you’ve got to understand about our group is we’re not stupid enough to elect someone just because they’re related. Too much bad shit happens there. Just watch The Godfather.”

“What do you mean? Cartman’s not related to the Boss is he?”

“I’m talking about the previous boss and the current one. Despite what everyone thinks,” he said, reshuffling the cards with a smirk, “they’re not father and son.”

*******

Wendy came into the pharmacy briefly to pick up some vitamins and she and Kyle talked about their trip to the zoo. Apart from a minor panic at the sea otter enclosure, alleviated when Wendy explained that sea otters were just dog-cats that lived in water, and Stan sulking on the car ride home because his face was a giant pink butterfly (Kyle really wished he’d been awake to see that, but luckily she took pictures), they’d had a blast. “I wish we’d gone now,” Kyle sighed.

“Oh I’m sure you had better things to do,” Wendy winked as she left. Well, he couldn’t deny that. Their time together had been healing for both of them.

Getting divorced had been harsher on him than he thought it would be. After buzzing off all his hair, he stared at the dead curls and knew they were just cliché symbols of shaking off an old life and starting a new one. But he wasn’t. Without Shari there was nothing. There was no new life. He was just ending one. 

And secretly he began to considering ending a life for real.

Helping Stan and Wendy was the only thing that tied him to the mortal plane. Whenever his mind went down that dark path, he thought of them and how he wanted to see two become three.

He spent little time with them, apart from turning up to leave them a fresh sample. It wasn’t just that the situation was awkward. He didn’t mask feelings well, didn’t want them to worry about him. They had their own things to deal with.

Stan noticed, always begged him to come round. At first he felt weird about everything, true, but after several months of being all ‘business’ with each other he just wanted to see Kyle again. Even when telling him the news that Wendy was finally pregnant he’d asked him to _come round soon, please dude, I never see you anymore_. 

He did, but it wasn’t the same. Kyle still didn’t fully relax, none of them did. But as month one became month two, then month three, and the statistics of carrying to full term increased in their favour, he began to reconnect. They all did. And suddenly it was as if nothing had changed.

Except that finally he would be Uncle Kyle. And maybe, with Cartman’s help, he’d become Papa Kyle too.

He’d gone from having no reason to live, to having all the reasons in the world.

*******

Cartman thought he was going to regret giving in to Kyle. A few days ago, Kyle decided to harass him about his cell phone. Cartman didn’t give out his number, not even to his mother. It was for work only and never his personal life; he didn’t want to mesh the two worlds. Not to mention the Boss didn’t understand privacy and would take a keen interest in any new names in the contact list.

“Take this then,” Kyle handed him an old phone. “I upgraded and never got around to getting rid of it.” 

“I dunno…”

“We need to be able to communicate.”

“What do you think people did thirty years ago?”

“They sure as hell didn’t play _my_ video games,” Kyle pointed out. Actually they did have video games thirty years ago, technically cell phones too. Fine, whatever. But if Kyle was going to be one of those partners that texted all the time about every little thing he was going to be pissed.

Still… partners. The word churned inside his stomach even now, in a good way. Like how Stan always used to throw up on Wendy. Sharing numbers, sharing a home. He’d learned a little about sharing and compromise from raising Addie but he still felt unprepared for this new life.

In the end, the phone turned out to be useful. It got a sketch pad and pencils for Addie after all and set up a very sexy dinner-date at his mom’s. 

He was slumped on the couch when his new non-work cell phone buzzed. Kyle had sent him a video. 

_Make sure you’re alone x_

He gulped at the thumbnail and almost fell on his daughter as she lay on the floor colouring her latest masterpiece. “OUT THE WAY HUN EMERGENCY BATHROOM BREAK,” he yelled, flying out of the room. Slamming the bathroom door shut and shakily locking it, he pressed play on the video and kept his thumb over the volume, bringing it down when Kyle’s voice burst through the speaker. “Hey Cartman, was just thinking about those videos you send out. Thought maybe you should have someone send _you_ one for once…”

He stared dry-mouthed at the scene unfolding in front of him as Kyle brought his dick out and stroked himself off in his work’s bathroom. 

God, Cartman loved this man.

*******

The Boss slumped over his paperwork, didn’t even look at his employee as he asked, “How’s Kenny?”

“From what they told me, cocky.”

“As expected.” The Boss removed his glasses wearily and took the tea offered to him. “Once I’m done here we can go.”

“You don’t need to do the accounts, Boss, we have guys for that.”

“I like to know it’s been done right. This way I can make sure of it.”

“Always the control freak, huh Boss?”

He glowered over the rim of his cup. “Don’t get familiar.”

“Sorry, Boss,” though the henchman couldn’t help scowling at the knowledge that Cartman would have totally gotten away with that remark. The Boss was left alone to work, though having been interrupted he was finding it hard to get back into the flow of things. His phone was still Eric-less when he looked at it. No matter; in a few hours Cartman would be back in his arms and things could go back to the _status quo_.

He quivered as he thought of Cartman sliding his hands down his back drawing their hips together, saying his name, the only person who got to say his name, say it in that way. The Boss threw away the thoughts. Now was not a good time to be caught reacting in such a pubescent manner to simple daydreams. He had a reputation to protect and he knew it was already dwindling. It didn’t do to have a boss that moped around like a romcom character in the third act. Especially over another man. Especially over Cartman.

The men put up with it only because, as things stood, it worked for all of them.

Some of the faction supported the previous boss in his initial election of him. They wanted a smart boss, a calm boss, a boss that struck the best deals.

But his small stature and mild face meant few took him seriously. Had to rely far too much on his muscle-men.

Then there were those that supported the change-up, thought Cartman should be boss. Tough, no-nonsense, fuck with me and I’ll fuck you up; that would be Cartman as boss.

But Cartman was too hot-headed and emotional. Had proved that time and time again, and most prominently with the previous boss.

Together made the most sense. Together, they could take over the world. He would make the offers, Cartman would deal with unacceptable counter-offers. He would charm alliances with his manners, Cartman would charm with the _options_ available to him.

The Boss only had to deal with this damn ‘daddy’s little girl’ complex Cartman had. So he thought. Now he had to deal with Kyle Broflovski too.

He struck an angry line through the accounts. Someone else could deal with them.

*******

The cold tiles weren’t helping to hinder his arousal as Cartman pressed his forehead against the bathroom wall. There were candy cane stripes of red and white in the flesh of his thigh where his fingers had tormented, trying to drive away his orgasm just a little bit longer.

Watching Kyle coming for him and not having any release last night meant he’d almost dived into the shower fully clothed.

Now he was wet and naked and imagining his fingers were Kyle’s as they moved behind and slipped inside him. It had been a long time since he’d done that to himself, without an audience, and he forgot that it could feel good, especially with the ghost of Kyle in his imagination slick against his back and whispering encouragement.

His mind fled back to their first night; shy, nervy but incredibly excited, learning and exploring one another. And the next day when it changed to reckless, energetic, experimental. How they’d finished up in the shower, Kyle in the position Cartman was in now. The way Kyle grinned and pulled him up with a, “tasted my dick, might as well taste my ass too!” before kissing him.

Waking up later that night and using Kyle’s body like his own personal sex toy. Kyle letting him do it, wanting him to. Saying he loved him, but not really saying it, because that was just how they were.

Then the next day Kyle in his arms, actually saying I love you, and the warm ball of light that formed in his chest at those words.

And then the next day… and the day after… they’d both…

Cartman lay back in the bathtub now, fingers pumping fiercely inside him as he came over his stomach. He watched the water rain down for a time, letting the world settle around him once again. It couldn’t be eleven yet but he was suddenly in the mood for brunch. Besides, he was going to be spending the afternoon up a fucking mountain so he needed the calories.

He towelled off and left the bathroom, almost bumping into his daughter. She frowned, “Are you okay?”

“Sure hun, why?”

“Because you went to the bathroom for ages and took a shower.” She made a sour face. “Did you explode or something?”

Cartman chuckled. “Not exactly, but don’t worry I cracked the window. It’s safe in there.”

“Gross!” she pouted, running off.

*******

Kyle skipped out of work and leant in the driver’s window to kiss Cartman ‘hello’. Cartman pre-empted him, grabbing his shirt collar and whispering, “You dirty girl,” in his ear. Kyle giggled and jumped onto the back of the pick-up. 

They were soon winding up the mountain path. Cartman wanted to do as little walking as possible and therefore parked as high as possible. Hauling on some warmer clothes, they picked an easy trail on one of the guide maps at the rangers’ hut and started up at a casual pace.

The summer sun oppressively beat down but the wind sliced through them at the exposed parts of the path so nothing they wore would have made them comfortable. Cartman was still trying to work out why Addie would want to do something so lame when there was such great weather to be had down at sea level. But they’d promised to do her thing, so he tried not to grumble.

After an hour it was becoming clear that Kyle was the only one enjoying himself. Addie only had little legs and was tiring already, and Cartman looked like every step was bringing him closer to a cardiac arrest. Kyle swung his arms eagerly, ahead of them by several metres. “Look at that beautiful view!” he hollered back to them.

In spite of the pain, Cartman _was_ looking at a beautiful view, but he was fairly certain Kyle didn’t mean his ass.

Kyle finally realised how far ahead he was and ran back to their side. Cartman collapsed onto an uprooted tree trunk, wheezing unhappily. Addie flung down her backpack with Clyde Frog inside and joined him, not quite as bad in condition but still the worse for wear. “Just give me ten,” Cartman gasped. “Hours.”

They sat with a snack and some water for a few minutes, but it was apparent that Cartman’s body had gone, “Screw you guys, I’m going home,” for the day. “Let’s head back,” Kyle suggested.

“No!" Addie squealed in protest, jumping to her feet. “I’m fine now. We can go a bit further.”

“But Cartman’s not-”

“I’m kewl,” he sniffed, starting to heave himself up. 

Addie patted his hand. “You should stay here and wait for us. We’ll be okay.”

He slumped back down. “Okay, have fun.”

“Wow Cartman, she really twisted your arm on that one,” Kyle laughed as he took Addie’s insistent hand. “We’ll just go up to the next ridge then come back.”

“I’ll be here. Possibly dead, but here.”

“Okay daddy, I’ll see you later,” Addie called back almost dragging Kyle through the trees.

Cartman watched the pair of ushankas disappear and then laid back down on the trunk and relaxed, pulling his beanie over his face to protect it from the sunlight.

A few minutes later, he realised what she had called him, and tore up the path after them.

*******

“I gotta say,” Kyle sighed down at the small mountain town. “This was a great idea. Been a long time since I came up here. Want me to show you all the places I know?” He turned around. He was alone. “Ads? Addie?”

_Oh god, oh shit, oh fuck, where is she?_

If anything happened to her…

“Addie? Jesus, Addie?!” he shrieked, voice cracking from panicked desperation. Had she fallen? Was she unconscious? Couldn’t answer? He slid down a nearby embankment. “You down here?”

There was a crack of a twig behind him. He spun around and a leafy branch swiped at his face. He landed on the forest floor, dazed, and felt his arms twist back. Loops of some sort of rope formed around his hands and before he could have the sense of mind to retract them it was pulled tight. He turned his head. “Addie?” He really didn’t want to know when and why she learned a handcuff knot. Though he could guess who taught her.

She sat on his legs before he could try to get up and tied his feet together. “Don’t worry Kyle, this is for your own good.”

“My own good?” He found that hard to believe.

She rummaged in her backpack and picked up a small trowel. He recognised it from a failed idea he had long ago to have a window box. She shushed him with her finger. “I said don’t worry. We’re going to be together soon. Soon for you anyway.”

“T-together? Soon for me?” 

“See, Cartman’s right. I’m too young for you. Right now. But all I have to do is be patient and wait ten years.”

She shovelled up a trowel of snow. “But it’d be cruel to ask you to wait that long so…”

She smiled serenely.

“I’m going to freeze you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that’s one way to solve an age gap?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading it through still? Just one last third to go, make sure you've got supplies :)

Bzzt.

Bzzt.

Bzzt.

Kyle tried to roll onto his back pocket in a vain attempt to answer his phone. It had to be Cartman trying to find them, and like a moron Kyle had left his phone on silent. In the meantime, the pile of snow on his stomach was getting larger. “Ads, you can’t freeze someone like this.”

Addie kept her head low as she shovelled enthusiastically. “Sure you can. Cartman did.”

 _Cartman, what bullcrap have you been telling this kid?_ “Seriously, it won’t work. And even if it did, when I wake up in ten years, it’ll only seem a few seconds for me, right?”

“So?”

Kyle’s cheeks flushed a little. “So I’ll still be in love with your dad.”

“Maybe. But Cartman will have long forgotten you.”

“I don’t think Cartman will give up on me that easily. I’m not being egotistical or anything – he’s just a stubborn fuck.” He shivered uncontrollably as another clump landed on his neck. His jacket was soaking through and the melted snow was trickling down his skin. The problem was she still saw him as a potential boyfriend. He had to make her see him as a potential father. “Ads, please stop, bubby.”

The trowel landed with a clang on the frozen ground and Kyle grew concerned when Addie’s shoulders began to shake.

 _Screams of adult laughter wafted up from the floors below as Adah burrowed into the thin pillow. Sweet perfume nearby told her to lift her head in the dark. She felt lipstick stain her bangs and nodded at the softly whispered promise. “Goodnight bubby, I’ll be back in a few hours…”_

She lifted her head and revealed her grief-stricken face, sobbing, “M-mom used to ca-call… bu…”

Shit, he hadn’t thought of that. “I’m sorry, it’s okay,” he tried to soothe her. She flung herself onto him, soaking him with tears, but at least tears were warmer than snow. He wished he could hug her. He had to just lie there, uncomfortably, until she let it all out. Rather, until Cartman’s booming voice cut through the gentle silence from above. “ADAH HADASSAH SOLOMON, WHERE ARE YOU?”

 _Wow_ , thought Kyle, _could her name BE more Jewish?_

“Cartman,” he croaked as loudly as possible. “We’re down here.” Addie scuttled away to the other side of the small trench, wiping her face and hurriedly hiding her equipment in her backpack. 

Cartman landed beside Kyle with a heavy thud eyeing his daughter coolly. “What are you doing?”

“Um…” Her eyes flicked momentarily to the trussed up man on the cold leafy floor. “Kyle was teaching me about snow angels and I misunderstood the concept?”

“Not bad. But try not to lilt at the end of your lies, it makes them obvious.” Cartman patted his pockets. “Ah shit, not got one on me. Where’s your knife?”

Addie demurely held up her bag. “Inside pocket,” she mumbled. He rooted around for it then went to free Kyle, stopping for a few seconds to imprint the lovely scene of Kyle tied and vulnerable into his memory bank. 

“Cartman,” Kyle growled, knowing exactly what he was doing.

“You’ve no idea how sexy you are right now.”

“Just cut me loose, you asshat.” Cartman knelt next to him and began to do just that. Kyle tried to fill the silence. “Hey Cartman, don’t be too hard on her.”

“I’ll probably just ground her or something. Should be interesting. Never grounded her before.”

“Never?”

Cartman gave him a blank look. “We lived out of my car. Where the hell would I ground her to?”

“Point taken.” He rubbed his sore wrists as Cartman set to work on his legs. Kyle looked up at the embankment’s edge. “Good thing we stuck near the path or you’d never have found us. My phone was on vibrate.”

“Phone? Couldn’t get hold of you like that anyway. Got no signal up here; phone you gave me’s shit.”

Weird. Someone had been calling him constantly. Once free, he got to his feet and got out his phone as Cartman pulled off his jacket and replaced it with his own drier one. “I’m going to go have a talk with her,” Cartman said.

“Okay,” Kyle replied distantly, distracted by the five missed calls. Cartman didn’t notice and sauntered casually to Addie. She stood, swaying nervously with Clyde Frog in her arms.

“Honey…” Cartman sighed as he looked into her impossibly large eyes. “You promised me you didn’t mind.”

“I’m fine now, really. I won’t do it again,” she said, tightening her hold on her toy.

“What did you think was going to happen? You’d skip down the mountain saying you lost Kyle and we’d just go home? What were you even doing?”

“Freezing him so we could get future-married.”

“Fr-?” Cartman slapped his cheeks. “Sweetie I told you that story as like a parable for being patient.”

“I _was_ being patient. I was going to wait ten whole years.”

“And you thought I wouldn’t?”

“You might change your mind on him… everyone does.” She knew her arguments were getting feeble. And there was one glaring thread that Cartman immediately picked at.

“Everyone. Including you.” He got down in front of his daughter and clasped her hand in his. “Okay, so we don’t know how we feel one day to the next. People are bullshit like that. But honey I’ve been hooked on him most my life. I’m sticking to him like sauce on ribs.”

“He said something like that too,” she snuffled sadly. “But you said you’d give him up for me.” He nodded and Addie finally got it. Cartman had been willing to walk away from the love of his life for her pathetic little crush. She let him press her into a hug, even though she felt she didn’t deserve a single heartbeat of it. “Am I an asshole?”

“No baby,” her father heaved a sigh. “You’re just a Cartman.” Maybe they should go after all. Throwing himself headfirst into a proper relationship had initially filled him with trepidation. He didn’t know how to be in one, how to handle one. But he’d been willing to learn if it gave him Kyle. 

It never occurred to him that he wasn’t the only one who had to be ready.

He drew back to analyse the anxious little face that had been buried against his neck. “Honey…” he started and her fingernails dug into his pudgy forearms at his tone.

“Please, calm down, slow down,” Kyle’s ironically panicked voice sounded from behind them. Cartman turned to see him pushing his cell phone under the earflap of his ushanka. Kyle wrapped the oversized coat tighter. “Say it again. You’re what? Baby?”

Cartman stood, pulling Addie closer to his side.

Kyle nodded at his caller’s words. “I’ll get there as soon as I can.” He paused to do more listening. “Maybe three hours. I’m up a mountain. Don’t ask,” he laughed but it came out hollow. “I’ll do my best. Bye.” His body baulked when it sensed Cartman had neared.

“Something wrong with Wendy?”

“Huh?” Kyle put away his phone. For some reason the ground looked fascinating. Fascinating enough that he couldn’t look at Cartman instead.

“Your phone call. You said something about a baby. Or called someone baby.”

“What? No, you misheard me,” he chuckled lightly and unconvincingly. “C’mon. We should get out of here before we really freeze.”

They traipsed down the mountainside, silent except for grunts of effort or pain. Still suffering the after effects of the cold snow, Kyle sat demurely inside the car with Addie on his lap and she knew part of her punishment was the horrible guilt flooding her and ruining the long-awaited opportunity. Once home, Kyle rushed to the shower to warm up and Cartman sat alone on the couch in a state somewhere beyond anxious. He couldn’t even wring his hands as was his usual wont. When Kyle came out of his room, he was wearing the outfit from their first ‘date’.

“I need to go somewhere,” announced Kyle, fiddling with his shirtsleeve buttons. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. If I’m late you can start dinner without me.”

Cartman found his voice. It was small but there. “Want any?” He could have said more but he didn’t trust what would come out. Kyle was already at the front door, keys jangling as he put them in his back pocket. He stilled for a moment before turning to Cartman’s troubled face. And then Kyle smiled at him, crossing over and holding him close. All Cartman could think was how Kyle smelled incredible and he was going to remember that scent forever.

He was going to have to.

Kyle pressed their lips together, curving his hands around Cartman’s face like that first night, after those first kisses. “I love you, you know that right?”

Cartman nodded, his hands gripping Kyle’s wrists in place. _Just a few moments more._ “I love you too.”

Kyle’s smile brightened. “I won’t be long. Promise.” With a small wave he was gone and Cartman went to go pack his things.

*******

Like a good Jewish boy, Kyle had his mother as the first speed-dial on his house phone. Probably the only reason why Stan would ever be second. Cartman pressed the button and greeted a perplexed Stan. “Cartman? What the hell dude, I’m trying to make dinner.”

“I just wanted to check I didn’t misinterpret something. Wait, dinner? Li’l early for dinner.” 

Stan frowned at his phone. The only reason he’d picked up so close to dinner was because he thought Kyle would be on the other end. “Wendy’s like a hobbit these days. Every meal happens twice.”

“Wendy’s why I’m calling. She’s not in labour or anything right?”

“I think even Wendy would stop eating for that. Why are you asking something like that? Are you trying to tempt fate – she’s only seven months!”

“Ay! Kind of sick fuck you think I am?”

“The kind of sick fuck that tries to kill their crush with a wiffle bat.”

“Touché.” Cartman pinched his nose. “Whatever, I’m not trying to premmy her. I heard Kahl talking to someone about babies a couple hours ago and I hoped it might be you.”

“No, not me, or Wendy. She’s been asleep most the afternoon.” Stan tapped his foot. Cartman sounded strained. And who was Kyle talking to about babies? Maybe he’d heard Shari and Kyle arguing about them again. “Actually, I may have an idea what that was all about.” He heard Cartman make an unhappy noise at his confession. “But it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Fine, I believe you,” he lied.

“You guys want to come over at the weekend?” Stan asked, trying to change the subject to something lighter, more palatable. “Summer will be over soon. Should enjoy what’s left of it.”

Cartman cast his eyes over his brimming suitcase. “We’ll think about it, thanks. See ya later.”

“Sure, later.”

Cartman hung up thinking carefully about the situation. And the sock drawer that no longer had a wedding ring inside. No, he was doing the right thing, and so, evidently, was Kyle.

He stood outside his daughter’s room, prepared for the fact that she might hate him for the rest of his life.

*******

_Shari pressed her fingers against her mouth. “Your mom is going to kill you!”_

 _Her sister shrugged, flinging out her bleached hair. “Like I give a shit.” But she could hear her mom in her head._ You’ll never meet a nice Jewish boy looking like a shiksa. _“I’m twenty-four, I can do what I like. Anyway, I want to look good for the bar mitzvah.”_

_“You’re actually going?”_

_“Of course, I’m not missing my baby brother’s coming of age. When’s the last time I saw him?”_

“My _mitzvah,” Shari said doggedly._

_“And that was…”_

_“Last year. You’re terrible, Sassy.”_

_“Sorry, it’s that South Park. It’s like a fucking black hole for time.”_

_Shari blinked her azure eyes in disbelief. “Why’d you move to a hick town like that? Can you even find work? Looks like nothing but mom-and-pop joints there.”_

_“Pretty much; everybody’s either fucking or related. Or both. Half the town’s probably got six fingers on each hand and webbed toes.” She moved the receiver to her other ear. “But, I er… managed to find something. Just your basic service industry shit. We can’t all be future… what again?”_

_“Still not sure. Probably something in medicine, like a doctor.”_

_“Ooh, be a paediatrician!” Shari’s sister slapped her hand down on the desk in front of her happily. “You love kids.”_

_“It’s definitely on the table.” She got up and unwound the phone cord from her finger. “My mom should be here with your bail money by now.” She pointed at her through the dividing glass. “She says she’s not doing it again without telling dad.”_

_“Like he’d care,” she scoffed. “He might even be proud.”_

_“I mean it, Sass. They’re having enough marriage trouble without fighting about you too.”_

_“I’m not their business. She’s not my mom and he’s never even tried to be my dad. Or yours. Hell, divorce might even be the best thing for them! After all…”_

_“Yeah yeah, I know,” Shari said, hanging up the phone. “Marriage is for suckers.”_

*******

Her head shot up every time a customer came into the restaurant and it was getting tiresome. Eventually it would have to be him… right? He said he’d be here by now. Not that she put a lot of stock into his promises anymore but things had to be different. Circumstances had changed.

The door opened again and this time before she could even look over, she heard her name on his lips. “Shari!” he exclaimed, enfolding her and sitting her back down. “When did you find out?”

“A couple of days ago. I was late and I’m never late so I got a test and… my IUD must have… I mean it’s at least seven years old. And we didn’t use…” 

Kyle groaned and gripped at his head. 

Her eyes fell as she looked for something to say. “Your hair…”

“My hair?”

“Sorry it’s just your curls are starting to come back. It looks nice.”

Kyle smiled. “Thanks. And hey, we’ll make this work. And obviously, straight up – you can have the apartment. Or get a new place. That’d probably be best. And here…” He placed his wedding ring on the table. “I know I was a dick about it before but we can sell it now. Get some money for a crib and stuff.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

He was completely oblivious to the look of horror on her face as he continued, “And I’ll be cool. I’ve got a friend I can live with.”

She crossed her arms. “And that’s it, is it? I’m like Wendy, am I? You’ve done your part, time to move onto the next uterus.”

“No, no way! I’ll be there for you, I swear. But what do you expect me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

She pushed the ring back towards him. “Be a family Kyle, like we’re supposed to be.”

“Shari, we’ve been over this. We don’t work together. Having a baby won’t fix us.” He sat forward suddenly. “Oh my god. Shari, please don’t tell me this was on purpose.” It took a few seconds for the sting on his cheek to register as she bolted past him. Okay he probably definitely deserved that. “Shari wait!” He caught up as she reached the door. Mr. Fanelli was hovering nearby to intervene if things got ugly. “Shari, I’m sorry, I… that was a really shitty thing to say.”

“No? Really? You’re so perceptive, Kyle!” People were starting to stare at them and he tried to shepherd her back to their table but she refused to budge. “I don’t understand you, Kyle. You say you’re sorry and beg forgiveness every time something goes wrong and I keep taking you back. But the moment I chase, you run? What’s different now?”

“Nothing’s different now I just…”

And then she saw the marks on his neck. “Oh my god,” her eyes glistened with tears. “There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

“That’s…” Kyle wiped his mouth as he searched for the right line, “That’s irrelevant.”

“How is it irrelevant? You’re going to choose someone you’ve only known a few weeks over your pregnant wife?”

“It’s not like that. I’ve been in love with him for years.” Kyle closed his eyes. _In love for years._ But he didn’t have time to be stunned by the revelation. Shari was already backing away towards the door.

*******

Addie had sat quietly on the bed contemplating the day for a few minutes. Cartman had assured her when she had asked about Kyle’s silence in the car, afraid that he now hated her, that Kyle wasn’t the sort to let a little attempted murder get in the way of friendship. At least not in his experience.

Satisfied that she could earn a place back in his heart, even if it was a platonic one, she had drawn a picture for him and placed it on the dresser next to the bed, and quickly given in to sleep. Cartman smiled at the drawing and left her sleeping, borrowing a sheet of her paper so he could make his own apology.

*******

“Years? What do you mean years?” The fellow patrons were watching the argument unfold with bloodthirsty interest. “Him?!”

Kyle hadn’t meant to give so much away, not yet, not when Shari was in such a delicate state, physically and emotionally. But they were down the rabbit hole now. “It’s not how it sounds. It’s a guy from school. You know how I sometimes talk about someone called Eric Cartman?”

 _Sometimes?_ It felt like any kind of reminiscence Kyle and Stan had about South Park focused on that character.

_Wait, Stan? That little girl…_

Shari shoved open the restaurant door. “I have to go.”

“Shari, please don’t go. We need to talk about the baby.” Kyle followed her to the car, wanting to pull her back to the restaurant, but he didn’t dare to and knew he had no right. All he could do was plead and beg and it fell on rightfully unsympathetic ears.

He was in love, had been since before he could tell, but as far as anyone else was concerned he was abandoning his pregnant wife for an old high school fuck. 

“You go have fun with your new family, Kyle,” Shari sighed wistfully, starting the vehicle. “And I’ll go start mine.”

*******

“Heeeey Super-Bestie,” Kenny grinned into the phone. “How ya bin?”

The Boss took the phone away from Kenny’s face and put it on speakerphone. “How’s that for leverage, Eric?”

“Kill the little asshole, what do I care?” Cartman tapped the pencil he was writing with against his teeth. This goodbye note was harder than the one he left his mom. “There’ll be a few less STDs in the world I can tell you that.”

“Hey, I’m not the one who had AIDS!”

“Both of you shut it,” the Boss snapped. “Eric, you come home now or-”

“Oh scoop the sand from your vah-jay-jay already. I _am_ coming back.”

The Boss glanced at his henchmen. They looked as shocked as he felt. “I’m glad you finally see sense. Before you come back, I want you to go to the 7-11. A simple cash-and-dash. Meet us at the second penthouse.”

Cartman doodled a heart in the corner of the paper. 

“Don’t forget to take the girl.”

Cartman drew a jagged line down the middle of the heart. “Whatever.”

“I mean it Eric, I don’t want a repeat of last time.”

 _More like you do._ The more the Boss harassed him about taking Addie to the 7-11, the more Cartman was starting to suspect he harboured similar feelings to the previous boss. _Well, you’re in luck B.J. she won’t bother you any more._ “Got it,” Cartman answered obediently. “I’ll see you later, B.J.”

“I’ve told you I don’t like that name.”

“Sorry,” Cartman said as he signed his love letter. “I’ll see you later, Kyle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone: LE GASP!
> 
> *secretly opens South Park wiki in another tab because no-one remembers who that is*
> 
> Everyone: Oooooh, that guy. LE GASP!
> 
> So we finally get to the "How Kyle got his gay back" part of the story. Fucking hell. Also I've decided this story should have the secondary title 'Six Degrees of Kosher Bacon' and I'm so proud of that joke I'm going to work it in somehow


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is officially finished now! I'll be posting the final chapters over the next few days.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read/reviewed/kudosed! I'll do more individual thanks at the end, and answer any questions I didn't cover in the main story.
> 
> This has been the chapter I have been looking forward to the most. When I first started the notes for this, Kenny was only in for two scenes. When I realised I needed expositional help with the Boss he fit in perfectly and soon after the final scene of this chapter was born. And I personally love it.

Addie felt the gentle lurch in her stomach of the bed’s gravity giving in as she was lifted up. She nuzzled Cartman’s shoulder sleepily. “Where we going? M’grounded.”

“We need to go pick up some takeout.”

“What kind?”

Cartman thought back fondly. “Italian okay?” She nodded and drooped wearily in his arms. That suited Cartman. It would be best if she didn’t know what was going on. 

He carried her down to the elevator and out to the car without hindrance. But as he tried to open the door to the pick-up she opened her eyes briefly, only a second but it was enough. She saw the suitcase in the back of the pickup and struggled immediately. “NONO! I want to stay with Kyle!”

“Honey, stop,” Cartman hissed, every heartfelt wail she made cutting a fresh wound into him.

“Let me go! I want Kyle!” He manoeuvred her onto the back of the pick-up holding her firmly in place until she eventually screamed herself tired. “I w-want Kyle…”

“I know, baby, I want him too.” He lugged himself up beside her on the cargo bed, and warmed her shoulders with his arm.

“So why can’t we ha-have him?” she sobbed softly. “Because of me? I don’t want him like that any-anymore.”

“I know; it’s not you. Life just sucks sometimes.”

“No, it doesn’t. You’re running away.”

Cartman wasn’t at all bothered by the accusation. It was true after all. “Yep, I am. But for once it’s not because I’m being a pussy.”

“Then why?”

He inclined his head to look at her. “Honey, Kyle had a nightstand of his own. He’s going to have a family with his wife, a real one.” 

She slumped against him forlornly, tugging at his shirt. “We’re a real family.”

“It’s different when they’re your own, hun.”

“So if I wasn’t yours, you wouldn’t like me? Is that why you got the paternity test?”

“C’mere.” He moved her carefully onto his lap. “I’d love you no matter what,” he said sincerely. “The test was because I didn’t want to be in jail for kidnapping a minor. And I _would_ be in jail because there’s no way the government could make me let you go.”

She shrugged despondently.

“Honey, let me tell you a story. One without otters in it. Once upon a time there was a devilishly handsome, big-boned, ne’er-do-well rogue.”

“Was it you?”

“Don’t interrupt. Anyway, one day he found out he had an adorable little girl. And they went and had all kinds of awesome adventures together. And life was pretty sweet. But he had one regret.”

Her eyes widened. “Really?”

“Uh-huh. He totally loved his daughter, but he only had her for a couple of years. He never got to see her as a baby. He didn’t even have a picture of her.” 

“That’s sad,” she agreed.

“Yeah. I mean, babies are loud and annoying as hell and gross but he still wanted to be part of that time of her life.” He tucked her hair behind her ears. “You’re right though, that story was about us.”

“No way really,” she deadpanned sarcastically.

He laughed. “No fooling you, huh. I guess you know where I’m going with this.”

“Not really,” she admitted.

“Honey, there’s no room for us in Kyle’s story. We’ll get in the way if we stay and we can’t make Kyle choose because he never would. And I’d never ask. I don’t want him to miss out like I did.”

She didn’t understand. She didn’t mind sharing Kyle now. And a sibling could be fun. Maybe it was Cartman who couldn’t share. Or maybe he loved that he finally had an excuse to bail.

No, no way was he getting away with this.

“Cartman, can I leave a present for Kyle?”

“I left your drawing on the breakfast bar.”

“No, something else. I know it’s lame but…” she whispered the idea in his ear, as if even the breeze might make fun if it heard.

He chuckled. “It’s a tiny bit lame, but that’s why he’ll love it.”

“Mean,” she scolded. “You can’t tell your daughter she’s lame.”

“Sorry baby.”

She got out a piece of paper from her sketch pad. “You need to be punished for that. And for taking me away from Kyle.”

“Okay, okay, what do you have in mind?”

She tilted her head with an innocent smile. “I’m saaaiiiling awaaaay.”

_God fucking dammit._

*******

Cartman was going to be furious with him but Kyle really didn’t care as he missed the keyhole for the third time. He was earlier than he thought he’d be, barely even dinnertime, but he was as drunk as a … something very drunk. He couldn’t even think of an adequate simile. His pawned wedding ring had bought him a few rounds of alcohol and he’d needed every drop. All he wanted to do now was crawl into Cartman’s reassuring arms and hope he wasn’t too pissed at him.

He fell into the apartment and the silence crushed him instantly. No TV, no video games, no cooking, no talking.

Addie was grounded so no TV or gaming – that made sense. But Cartman wouldn’t completely ignore her. And he sure as hell wouldn’t starve her.

Kyle staggered over to the breakfast bar so he could have something at a comfortable height to lean on and there he saw them. A piece of paper, folded neatly, with the shadow of writing showing from inside. And next to that another sheet with a modest drawing of a sad little girl with brown hair and a pink dress standing next to a blue corpse with curly red hair and crosses for eyes, with the words “sorry I tried to freeze you” underneath. On top of the depiction of his death was a perfectly constructed origami dreidel.

He cradled it in his hands, sinking to the floor with a deep sob.

*******

_Kyle Schwartz really fucking hated parties, but a friend of a friend of a friend (however many times) of his parents was having a Bar Mitzvah for their youngest and he was obligated to turn up. They probably turned up to his one last year so it was only fair. But between the different perfumes and colognes, the flowers – the general problems that came with it being Summer and interacting with other human beings – he was struggling as it all assaulted his immune system and lungs._

_He didn’t even have his cousin to annoy. The last few years Kyle (2) had him beaten in every respect. He was taller, better-looking, sporty, and more successful at school. The only thing he used to have him on the ropes about was when it came to maths but his cousin had overtaken him this semester._

_At this rate_ he _would be known as Kyle 2._

_He wanted to show him up at this party. Flaunt his new look. It had been difficult to find a surgeon willing to perform on someone so young, and his parents had been furious that he was ‘Jennifer Grey-ing’ his Semitic looks. But throwing enough of his wealth around had worked, and he was happy with his button nose, and he continued to straighten his hair against his family’s wishes. A few more months and his braces could come off. Then he’d be perfect. Then he’d have something over Kyle._

_But no, Kyle hadn’t been able to make it. He just had to have an accident at Stark’s pond and suffer from hypothermia, and so of course everyone in the family was cooing over the poor child. Apparently some dickhead classmate threw his ushanka into the middle of the thin ice and he fell into the water trying to fetch it. Thanks to all that, Kyle Schwartz was alone and ill and bored and frustrated at a Bar Mitzvah for someone he didn’t even know. He blew his nose, thinking maybe if he whined at his parents for long enough they might let him go home, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Schwartz’s boy, right?”_

_He stared up at a formidable looking man in an expensive suit. A pale blue eye winked at him. “You look a little depressed for a kid sitting on a fortune.”_

_“Allergies,” he snuffled._

_“The flowers were a bad idea,” he agreed. “A young man doesn’t want flowers at his Bar Mitzvah. But you try telling my wife anything. Sometimes I think she_ wants _a faygeleh for a son.”_

_Kyle stared at his feet. Ever since he’d started to realise a few truths about his sexual nature it felt like that word and others of a similar vein were cropping up more frequently. That was another area where he hated his cousin. The other Kyle had happily told him how when he approached his parents with the news that he liked guys as well as girls they had embraced the idea totally. No “you’re too young”, no “it’s just a phase”, no “there’s no such thing”, no “you need to pick one”. They were just glad that he felt he could talk to them about such things._

_God if HE even tried to tell his parents he was gay. That was never happening. Rhinoplasty was nothing compared to the horror of having a gay son._

_“Oh, what now?”_

_Kyle followed the man’s eyes to an altercation the other side of the room. Two women in a heated discussion about something. Nearby, the Bar Mitzvah boy and his sisters were trying to intervene._

_The man snarled, “I’m telling you, Schwartz, you stick with your money and enjoy life. Don’t get saddled down by wives and kids. Marriage is for suckers.”_

_“I’ll keep that in mind, sir,” Kyle replied meekly._

_He smiled, slapping him on the back. “You know, you should come work for me. I know you don’t need to earn money but… idle hands and all that. Your father tells me you’re good with numbers and I need someone on accounts.”_

_It wasn’t as though he hadn’t done accounting before. Kyle nodded. “I’d like that, Mr. Solomon.”_

_“Come now, we’re business partners. Call me Moze.”_

_Kyle felt the blood creep into his cheeks as Mr. Solomon gripped his hand in a warm, firm shake._

*******

Normally the other doctors’ scrawled handwriting would eventually translate in Shari’s head but she had far too many other things whirling around in there. She almost administered an incorrect dose to a patient (not fatal but it would have been very unpleasant). Although she didn’t believe it to be fortuitous at the time, it was what drove her to abandon her post and take a trip down to the emergency department to clear her head and talk with one of the EMTs that she had become friendly with. Not in _that_ way, of course. She wasn’t like Kyle.

A flash of red in the corner of her eye wasn’t unusual in that department, but she instinctively knew it wasn’t blood and something about it piqued her interest. When she turned to follow the source with her eyes her jaw dropped.

That _bastard_ was here.

The red was in fact the shirt he was wearing, although it was stained darker with blood all down one arm. Shari moved to behind a corner to spy on him. Annoyingly, he looked like he was probably quite handsome, if he would just drop the scowl he was sporting. Then again if she had just been shot in the shoulder, which was what he was bitching about to a nurse, she had to admit that she’d probably have a similar expression.

“I don’t wanna report anything. I just need cleaning up. Last bullet hole I had got septic and I’m not doing that shit again.”

“You’ve been shot before?” asked the nurse, amazingly collected like most were. Cartman was absolutely precious compared to some of the people they had to deal with.

“I’m accident prone, what can I say?”

“Do you have anyone you’d like us to contact?”

He paused. “No. No-one.”

“Come this way,” she sighed leading him behind a curtain. Shari leant back against the wall. That was bullshit whatever that was. He had Kyle, not to mention a daughter. Shari bit her thumbnail. Where _was_ the daughter? With Kyle? That was all he had to tell the nurse. Was he trying to hide the accident from Kyle and the girl? It wasn’t like he could hide a bullet wound from the two of them.  
Maybe he just didn’t want to worry them. He’d turn up later going, “Surprise, guess who got shot!” But what the hell was he doing that ended up in a shooting?

She really shouldn’t meddle in Kyle’s life anymore. She’d love nothing more than to walk away. But he was the father to her baby, and there was another child at the centre of all this mess. 

Somehow she was seeing him more after their divorce than she ever had during their marriage.

*******

_Kyle,_

_This has been the most amazing time of my life, and yes I am counting that day at Casa Bonita. It would be great if I could be noble and lie about my feelings so you could move on but there’s no way I can say anything other than I love you. Thank you for giving me this chance to prove I meant what I said back when I was a dumb little brat._

_Forever your Fatass,_

_Eric_

_PS. I borrowed the money from your sock drawer_

_PPS. I don’t know why I wrote borrowed. We both know you’re not getting it back_

_PPPS. Good luck with the baby_

Kyle pressed the letter against his chest. How could he love such a fucking moron? Because he did adorable things like this. It was just bad luck that Cartman picked now to be selfless. The first step was to find him. He could be at his mother’s, but that was obvious. Unless he was performing a double-bluff. Or he wasn’t there and it was a double-double bluff.

He twirled the dreidel in his hand, humming the song that went with it. A faded splotch of pink showed through one of the folds. Something was on the paper he realised and as much as he hated to ruin Addie’s careful work, he began to eagerly and carefully take it apart.

Inside was a hasty doodle of Addie and Cartman inside Liane’s house with Kyle running towards them. “Addie, you frigging genius,” Kyle gasped. At least now he knew where they were. Or where Cartman had told Addie they would be. It was possible Cartman predicted something like this. But he had his first official clue. That was the important thing.

*******

“Present for you, Boss,” one of Cartman’s collegues barked as he threw him into the penthouse bedroom. Hissing at the fresh sting throbbing in his shoulder, he raised an eyebrow at Kenny still tied to a chair in the corner, with an additional gag.

“Eric!” The Boss exclaimed throwing his arms around his neck. “You’re excused,” he snapped at the henchman still loitering at the door. Turning his attention back to Cartman, he nosed his cheek affectionately. “It’s been a while, Eric.”

“Maybe not in front of Kenny…” complained Cartman noticing Kenny was desperately looking around the room in avoidance.

“I suppose we _should_ do something about him,” the Boss frowned. “If he’s going to ruin the mood.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m not exactly fighting fit here.” Cartman shrugged off his jacket. The weight was pressing the gauze into the wound and causing a lot of discomfort. “Sexy time’s gonna have to wait.”

“They shot you?” the Boss asked, incredulous. “I can’t believe they actually fired at you. Is the girl all right?”

“She may or may not have been somewhere else.”

“Eric, I told you to take her.”

“And I told you to fuck off.”

The Boss dug his fingers into the wound and Cartman stoically ignored the agony rippling through his flesh. “This is exactly why I told you to take her. Your insubordination might have saved your child but it got you shot.” He sneered. “It might also condemn your friend over there if I decide to punish you.”

“So I did things my own way, so what? I got what you wanted.” Cartman threw a small bag on the ground. “I hope my shoulder is worth the two hundred they had.”

“It wasn’t about the money. It was about your loyalty to this group.” He took off his glasses, clipping them shut. “And to me.”

Cartman smiled. “If you’re jealous of Kyle, don’t be.” He grinned at the Boss’s eye twitch. “Oh did you not know? That I was putting it to your cousin?”

“I did,” he muttered. “I’m just shocked you’re admitting it. I thought you hated him.”

“Yeah well,” Cartman walked over to Kenny, taking Addie’s penknife from his pocket. “That’s part of the fun.”

“What are you doing?”

Cartman hacked at the rope. “Taking this bastard back to South Park.”

He knocked the knife from Cartman’s hand. “You’ll do no such thing. It’s been three weeks since I saw you last.”

“I’m coming back.” He tilted the Boss’s face up to his. “I swear on my daughter’s life.”

“Eric…” he gazed at him, clearly hurt. “You really think I’d go that far?”

Cartman sighed. “No, I don’t. And _that’s_ why I’ll come back, Kyle.” 

“Say my name again. Say it _that way_ ,” the Boss murmured at his mouth.

Cartman squeezed his eyes shut and said something far more painful than any bullet wound. “Kahl.” He wrapped him up in a kiss whilst Kenny feverishly tried not to look or listen. They broke apart and Cartman moved Kenny’s gag to his eyes as a blindfold before dragging him out to the car to finally take him home.

*******

The blindfolded Kenny sat complacently in the car, trying to guess how long they’d been driving. Cartman hadn’t said a word; just bundled him into the car and sped off. They’d been on a highway for at least twenty minutes, Kenny pondered. There hadn’t been much turning just before so wherever he’d been kept had to be near the main drag.

“So…” he finally started. “What the hell happened to you?”

“The fuck you talking about? You’re the one that looks like the kid from ‘Mask’.”

Kenny grinned, even though it painfully split his lip open. “Yeah, they did a number on me. But I mean the opposite for you.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way but… when’d you get so fucking hot?”

Cartman drummed his fingers on the steering wheel furiously. “Shut up, Kenny.”

“I mean, you’re still a fatass…”

“Ay!”

“But you’ve got, I dunno, kind of a Seth Rogen thing going on.”

“Fuck you! I look nothing like Seth Rogen.”

“I’m not saying you do.” Kenny grinned wider and more painfully. “I’m just saying I’d do Seth Rogen.” 

He didn’t know it but he’d tugged a smile out of Cartman. “I hate you, Kenny.”

“Nah. You love me.” He faced the window even though he couldn’t look at the view. “And you love Kyle.”

The smile faded.

“I don’t get it, Cartman. Why are you running around with that asshole?”

“It’s complicated.”

“What? If you leave he’ll kill you and everyone you love?”

“Okay, so it’s not complicated.” Cartman coughed and Kenny felt them turn off somewhere. “Look Ken, it’s not just that. I owe this guy.”

Kenny laughed, “When have you ever paid a debt, Cartman?”

“Money? Never. Blood… always. I know I come across as a snivelling little brat, hell that was my shtick for half my life. But you know me, Ken. You know about San Francisco. You really think I went through that just so I could get my favourite punching bag back?”

Kenny’s eyes widened underneath his blindfold. Cartman never spoke of San Francisco, or any other time when he went out of his way to save people he cared about. Especially Kyle. “ _I_ knew you did it out of love.” He chuckled. “I just didn’t think _you_ knew it. So what are you saying? You love this guy?”

“No, but I like him. For all the crap he’s put me through. But then I put him through crap too. Fucked up right?”

“Seriously fucked up.”

“But it’s not love. It’s not like Kahl. Nothing’s like Kahl.”

“Been a lot of crap there too,” Kenny pointed out.

Cartman smiled. “Yeah.”

Kenny’s body jerked forward as Cartman pulled over roughly and the blindfold was removed. He blinked at the evanescent evening light and saw they were parked at their old school bus stop. “Wow, memories.”

Cartman nodded. “See you around. Maybe.” He frowned for a second before leaning across and kissing Kenny softly. 

He blinked in surprise. “What was that?”

“Super Best Friend Kiss of No-Homo,” Cartman laughed. “Now get the fuck out my car, Poor-Boy.” Kenny obediently got out and stood under the sign wrapping his arms around himself against the autumn breeze that was starting to pick up again. Cartman pulled the door shut and started up the car.

“Hey Cartman,” said Kenny just as he went to put the car in gear. “Be careful okay? I love you, dude.”

“Gay,” was Cartman’s reply as he shot his fingers at him and veered away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Stark's Pond thing is from another fanfic I might eventually get around to.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was a bit late with this. I had a couple of night shifts and I was too wrecked to post. Good thing though because I amended a couple of things in my sleep.

“First of all I’m only doing this because I’m concerned.” Shari’s clipped tone over the cell phone made Kyle shrink back against the bar. He still hadn’t gotten up. He tried a few times but his legs wobbled in drunken protest. “Is Cartman’s daughter with you?”

If Kyle could have been dunked in Stark’s pond again he wouldn’t have sobered up as quickly. “What? What do you want with Addie?”

“Cartman was at the hospital. He’s been shot. Don’t panic,” she added at Kyle’s distressed yelp. “It looked like it was just a flesh wound. But his daughter wasn’t with him.”

Kyle sank back down. “No she’s…” he swallowed his bitter words. “She’s not here. How do you even know about Addie?”

“That’s irrelevant,” she echoed his earlier words and she absolutely meant for it to sting. “He said he had no family. Something seems strange about that. Right? Am I being weird?”

“No, no you’re right. It’s not like Cartman at all.” Not the Cartman he knew. The one who could barely be apart from his daughter for one night. 

The picture Addie left him said she was at her grandma’s place. But Liane wouldn’t be back from her ‘business trip’ until late. Cartman wouldn’t leave his daughter alone. Then again if he was going somewhere or doing something that could put her in danger. 

_You stupid fucker why didn’t you leave her here…_

Shari jumped at the sound through the phone of something crashing. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Trying to-to walk. I think I know swhere she wis.” The alcohol began to rush through his pounding head again, slurring his words.

“Oh my God, are you drunk?”

“Yeah, so? I had a bad evening.”

“Poor you,” she clicked her tongue irritably. “At least _you_ can drink your troubles away. If I did that I would be doing it quite literally.”

“Jesus, Shari, don’t get so dark.”

“Just stay there. I’ll come get you.”

“Don’t you have work?”

She fell silent for a moment. “I fainted. They sent me home.”

Kyle dragged himself up onto the couch. “Shit, are you okay?”

“It was just a lack of food. I was going to get dinner before work but…”

Things happened.

“Promise me you’ll get some food first. If Addie’s where I think she is, she’ll be okay for a few extra minutes.” They exchanged curt goodbyes and Kyle sat quietly, worrying the arm of the couch with his nails as the drink’s effects slowly disappeared from his mind. 

“Cartman, where are you?”

*******

_Kyle Schwartz gave an irritated glance as his girlfriend, now somehow his fiancée, gleefully took mental notes from his cousin’s wedding. Of course, he could afford to give her a wedding ten times better than this. That wasn’t the problem._

_That he was getting married at all, that was the problem._

_His fiancée tapped him on the arm. A pretty woman with long black hair had suddenly materialised into view. “Hey Kyle, long time no see, having fun?”_

_He really should pay more attention to his family members. Who was she again? He faked recollection. “Absolutely. This is my fiancée, Esther Rosenberg.”_

_“I’m Wendy Testaburger, Kyle’s friend from school.”_

_Thank God, he wasn’t meant to know her. That could have been embarrassing._

_“I don’t suppose…” She twiddled her thumbs shyly. “I don’t suppose you’ve seen Stan?”_

_“That’s the best man, isn’t it? Didn’t he throw up when he tried to give one of the seven blessings?”_

_Wendy couldn’t help but laugh at Esther’s disgust. “Yeah that’s him.” She wrinkled her nose affectionately. “Adorable, isn’t he?”_

_Kyle couldn’t see what was so adorable about vomiting under a chuppah, and nor could Esther. At least they were united on that front. He excused himself as politely as he could, desperate to get away from the garden and boring conversation. A large hand slipped around the back of his neck when he walked through the doorway to the hotel and he allowed it to steer him into a dark private room. “How was Connecticut, darling?” a voice sneered as the hand moved lower._

_Kyle went to push the hand away, but found he couldn’t. “Please don’t do this. It’s sick, Moze. It’s your daughter’s wedding.”_

_“You don’t think perhaps it’s fate? My daughter and your cousin. We’re reunited at last.”_

_Kyle let him do what he wanted. Why change things now?_

_He thought back to the foolish beginnings of the relationship, where he was an apprentice doing accounts at Moze’s so-called business. Didn’t question the large tallies and the suspicious abbreviations for certain items of spending. Ignored the alarm bells because Moze was so nice and attentive and praised him and even though he was young and he knew Moze was married he fell for every line in the book of lines you shouldn’t fall for. By the time he was eighteen, he couldn’t pretend that he was satisfied at being a closet-case’s secret fuck any longer._

_At college he threw himself into his schoolwork and then threw himself at the first nice Jewish girl his mother introduced._

_A year later and he was still stupidly in love with (and fucking) the father of the bride at her wedding._

_“Come back to me,” Moze whispered in his ear after he was done. “I’ll make it worth your while.”_

_“You mean_ I _will. That’s what you’re after right? Another loan for your ‘enterprise’.”_

_“That would be nice too.” Moze grinned. “But I have a proposition for you. How would you like to be boss in a few years?”_

_“I want nothing to do with your awful business.”_

_“Come on. You’ve got the money, you’ve got the smarts. The bloodlust is easy to learn. Think of all those men at your disposal.”_

_“I can afford real prostitutes if I want. Unlike you, I need more than sex to get me through life.” He buttoned his shirt back up, suddenly embarrassed. “I need you, Moze.”_

_“This again.” Moze sighed. “I promise I’ll divorce her. Just give me a few years.”_

_“I gave you those few years, hmm, let’s see, a few years ago. Funnily enough.”_

_“Even if I’d gone through with it, what could we have done? You were too young then.”_

_Really that should have been Kyle’s first clue that this guy wasn’t serious about him, and that he was clearly a sick bastard. But the kiss on his neck that Moze gave him melted his frosty attitude and, like the lovesick fool he was, he promised to return once college was over._

*******

Kyle cautiously and gradually walked up to the dark house, stones skipping away as his feet scuffed past. Cartman’s co-workers could easily be lying in wait, inside, or maybe in nearby bushes. The remnants of black coffee from where he’d tried to sober up furred his tongue as he flicked it nervously over his lips. There wasn’t time to be scared. Not if Addie might be in danger.

He crouched by the front door and opened the letterbox, keeping his head to the side for the moment before slowly peeping inside. He could just make out a small huddled figure in the shadows at the bottom of the stairs. “Ads, bubby, you okay? It’s me, Kyle.”

They shifted slightly but made no attempt to move. “Prove it.”

“Huh?”

“You might be one of the Boss’s guys.” She curled up into a tighter ball. “Prove it.”

“Um…” he thought carefully. “I looked up that puzzle you were stuck on in Samurai Zombie Wolf Tribe. The answer is north, north, the-”

“No stop! I want to work it out myself!” she squealed adamantly. “And nice try but you could have looked at my profile online.” 

He didn’t see how that would give away exactly where she left off in the game. But he had a more fun way of proving himself anyway. He sat back on his feet and belted out, “I’m saaailiiing awaaaay!” 

Within a few seconds the window had been thrown open and she landed in his arms bowling him over. “Kyle!”

“Ads,” he hugged her tightly. “Where’s Cartman?”

“He said we were staying the night and that Grandma would be home soon.” She pressed her forehead against his shoulder. “But I woke up and he wasn’t there. He left me your phone and a note saying to call you if anything bad happened.”

Kyle’s brow furrowed. What was Cartman up to? _I’m going to kick his ass when I find him._

“Nice video by the way.”

“Huh? Oh shit! Jesus!”

“Don’t worry. I didn’t watch the whole thing.”

“What video?”

Addie flinched at her new visitor and slipped out of Kyle’s arms. “Why is _she_ here?”

Shari gave her an awkward smile. “I know this is difficult, honey…”

_Oooh she did NOT just use Cartman’s word again._

“Go away! You ruined my family! No, wait…” Addie reconsidered and kicked Kyle’s shin. He dropped like a rock. “You ruined it too, Kyle!”

Shari suppressed a jubilant smile. “I’m starting to like this girl.”

Kyle didn’t know what to say to that, to any of it, so it was both a blessing and a curse when a car pulled up behind Shari’s and Stan and Wendy got out. He moaned pitifully. This day was a giant shit storm in the making.

“Where is that asshole?” Wendy yelled at them.

Shari bristled. “With all due respect Wendy, in polite society we say hello first.”

“With all due respect Shari, fuck you, and I repeat: where is Cartman?”

Stan bravely stood between them trying to soothe Wendy to normality. “I’m telling you, he probably didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Mean what by what?” Kyle asked, confused and still rubbing his bruised leg.

“Cartman rang earlier saying you were talking about babies and he thought Wendy was in labour and then I started to panic that maybe he was jinxing her and Wendy thought maybe I’d feel better if we came and found out what was going on but you weren’t at home so we tried here and there you have it,” Stan blurted.

“Ooohhh, no, he was talking about _their_ baby,” said Addie helpfully.

Stan and Wendy stared at her, then at Shari. Stan cleared his throat. “Okay wow, we need to uh, back up here. Like a lot.”

*******

_The men would have questioned why the Boss was dragging around a fourteen-year-old boy to all their ventures. So it made sense to call him his son initially. But Kyle hated the lie and considering that most of them had guessed their friendliness went further than blood he saw no point in continuing the façade. Kyle returned to work after college, prepared for the dark path he was about to walk but expecting supportive arms from his lover._

_He never expected to be so easily replaced._

_“Relax, darling,” Moze tried to mollify him when he found out about the rumours. “There’s no way Eric will ever be boss. And he’s only a temporary fuck.” He curled a finger under Kyle’s chin. “You’re still my boy.”_

_“Really?” Kyle murmured, unconvinced. “Because it seems like your divorce has coincided with his appearance.”_

_“Not at all.”_

_It wasn’t even the worst part for Kyle. Moze had him convinced that he had been the only man to turn his head. It transpired that he’d been sleeping with half the syndicate. He had never felt so foolish; far too in love to blame Moze for being unfaithful, so he blamed himself for being gullible._

_“I asked you,_ begged _you to leave your wife, for years. This guy turns up and…”_

_“Believe what you want,” Moze snapped. He rubbed his face wearily. “Maybe it’s best that you two don’t become acquainted for a while. I’ll keep him nearer South Park.”_

_“South Park.” He hated hearing about that place. “Should suit him if he’s the brain-dead hick he sounds like.”_

_“He’s smarter than you’ll ever be. Even smarter than me.” Moze smiled. “Just needs a little insanity shaved off his personality.”_

_Kyle froze at that affectionate smile. He knew it well and had waited to see it on Moze’s face for a long time. But he never thought that smile would belong to another man._

When I get the chance, Eric, you’re dead.

*******

An exhausting evening at Cartman’s house finally ended. Stan and Wendy were brought up to speed, and rather than go home they decided to stay for moral support. Kyle was so anxious by their proximity to Shari that it was causing the opposite for him, but he mutely pretended to be grateful. They went to sleep on Liane’s bed, putting down several sheets first because… well, it was _Liane’s bed._

Addie had slept most of the evening, and Shari (being a doctor) was a fantastic insomniac. Neither was interested in sleep, and so the three of them spread out a local map to see if Addie could point out any close hangouts where Cartman might be. She managed a few, but she’d never used a map before. Cartman always knew exactly where he was going, or used a GPS. Landmarks were all she had to go by and they weren’t necessarily helpful. A hotel near a Denny’s? Like there wasn’t a million of them.

Shari’s stomach growled after a few minutes of ruminating over the landscape and Kyle was furious to find out that she still hadn’t eaten and went to fetch something from the kitchen. Addie and Shari sat in uncomfortable silence on the couch. Kyle called from the kitchen, “Mac and cheese okay?”

“Fine,” Shari replied.

“Want some Ads?”

“No.” She swung her legs up underneath her thighs and tucked Clyde Frog into a pile of cushions beside her.

“That’s a nice Clyde Frog,” Shari chanced at a subject for conversation.

“He used to talk. He doesn’t talk anymore.”

“Oh, is his voice-box broken? Sometimes they can be fixed.” Addie looked at her like she was stupid. She gave one last try to make small talk. “I’m sure your father won’t be long.”

She shook her head. “I’m being punished.”

“Punished? By your father?”

Addie shook her head again. “Whenever I’m sad about my mom, I think about how I have Cartman now, and then I’m happy. But that’s bad, right? To be happy my mom is dead. But if she was alive, then I wouldn’t have Cartman or Grandma, or Kyle.”

“That’s true, and very insightful of you.” Shari reclined back into the couch placing a hand on her stomach. “Sometimes something bad happens that means something else good happens. That doesn’t mean we’re happy about the bad thing.” She turned her head to the confused little girl. “Put it this way, she was a good mom, right?”

“Duh,” said Addie, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Well, then she’d be happy that you’re happy. I think the worst thing for a mom would be knowing that their child was sad, and it was because of them.”

“I guess.” She narrowed her eyes and drew a cross on the map. “Remembered another one.” Shari looked over the map. They were up to seven places now. 

Kyle came back with Shari’s supper. “Ads, maybe you should try and get some sleep, even if you’re not tired.”

She sulkily dragged herself and her toy to the stairs. She looked back at Shari. “Clyde Frog isn’t talking to me anymore. So you had to do. But it doesn’t mean we’re friends.”

Shari tried not to look amused. “Understood.”

Kyle raised his eyebrows as the little girl ran up the stairs. “What was that about?”

“Girl talk,” said Shari, tucking into her meal voraciously.

“Talking is good.” He brought his knees to his chin as he hunched on the armchair opposite. “Maybe _we_ should try.”

“Oh Kyle, not now. I just want to eat and sleep.”

“Both those things are important, especially in your condition.” He cocked his head. “But I’m curious. Why are you helping me? Why are you here?”

“Honestly? I don’t trust that guy, and it’s not because of you. Who leaves their child alone like that?”

“He wouldn’t do it without a good reason. There’s got to be an explanation.” 

“I doubt that,” she scoffed.

“You don’t know Cartman.”

“I don’t _want_ to know Cartman.”

His eyes twinkled. “That’s fair. I used to feel the same way.” He laughed at the shock on her face. “Come on, think about it. When did I ever have anything nice to say about Cartman?”

“I have to admit I’m having trouble understanding all this,” Shari said in a perturbed voice.

For all the terrible things they spoke of about Cartman and the rest of their childhood, Kyle and Stan and Wendy always laughed about it. Kyle would hide himself with his hands whenever he recollected Cartman’s ridiculous attempts to get his attention, or ruin his fun, or prove him wrong; embarrassed giggles shaking him until his nose threatened to spray milk everywhere. Shari learned early on that that was also Cartman’s fault.

She put down the empty bowl, thinking about the way Kyle’s eyes would light up when talking about Cartman, enflamed with fury but also something else, something secret. Of course Kyle had been in love with him for years. She wished she’d seen it sooner and saved herself some grief. She’d been so focused on Stan and Wendy, she missed it entirely.

But then so had Kyle.

“Truthfully,” Kyle sighed, “Being with Cartman has given me so much respect for you, Shari.”

“Me?”

“Cartman told me he loved me back in high school and I turned him down because I thought he was too immature. I thought I was this big grown-up future doctor and I deserved better.”

Shari shrugged, “What teenager doesn’t?”

“Exactly. I wasn’t any less a kid than he was. And I met you and you were so cool and together and I fell in love but… that’s not how it works is it?” He fell back into the armchair. “Love isn’t enough. You have to work at it. You were right all along Shari. You were the only one working.” It was horrible irony, berating Cartman for not being serious enough for a relationship. Years later, and Cartman was carrying him and a child like it was easy, all whilst battling his own demons.

“Thank you for admitting that, Kyle. I was starting to think I was some rampaging bitch the way you reacted to everything I said.”

“Yeah well, in a few months you will be.”

“Oh God, am I going to be as bad as Wendy?”

“Possibly.”

She ran her fingers through her hair, groaning despondently.

“Do your mom and dad know?”

“Not yet.”

“What about…” Kyle’s words failed.

“My other so-called dad? Couldn’t tell him even if I wanted to.”

Kyle nodded thoughtfully. It was a shame really – the moment her father had signed the divorce papers he completely disappeared from their lives. Her half-sister had done the same a few years before. Having left a brief stint in jail for a petty crime, she was offered a home with them but never turned up. Though as the son of a lawyer, Kyle couldn’t really see any crime as petty.

All this was probably why Shari had so desperately clung to their failing marriage. She couldn’t bear the cycle of broken families continuing.

“Shari?” Kyle searched her eyes. “Can this family work? I mean, all of us.” It was a lot to ask, he knew that. Time and patience would be important factors. But he didn’t want a broken family either.

Shari bit her lip, her hand falling on her stomach subconsciously. “I don’t know. It hurts, knowing I was just a useful distraction while you waited for him to come back.”

“It wasn’t like that. I did love you Shari. I _do_ love you. It’s just not the same. And I think you know that. I think you probably feel that way too.”

Perhaps a large disjointed family was better than no family at all. “We always did work better as friends.” She offered him a small smile, verging on mischievous. “Maybe I could be Super Best Ex-Wife.”

He smiled back.

*******

It was obviously a dream. They were in the hotel again and Kyle, somehow with his perfect copper curls back in full glory, was laid out beneath him; tight and wet and clenching his hole sporadically around his fingers. His dark eyes trying to focus on him through orgasmic lust and mouth hung open in a captivating gasp.

Some of it was memory, Cartman realised, burying his face into Kyle’s chest and breathing in his intoxicating scent, swapping his hand for his cock eagerly and pushing into the once impervious ring of muscle, now open and begging for him. He knew these rapturous sensations, had committed them to memory, just in case.

How prophetic he had been. Or maybe his daughter’s accusations had been accurate. He had always intended to run, and was just lucky enough to be able to do it under the guise of being a good guy.

Cartman jerked forward in the car seat, unfolding his arms. He looked up at the apartment building and knew then that he couldn’t stay in the parking lot forever.

The dream was over.


	16. Chapter 16

He should have put Addie in Cartman’s bed and slept in her room; that was what Kyle realised far too late. Engulfed senses – he shuddered as he became aware that everything around him screamed Cartman. The sheets had his smell. The posters on the wall were his favourite bands and wrestlers. Kyle’s memory triggered and he remembered staring at them upside down and the feel of Cartman’s tongue lapping at his ass. _God it was just a few days ago wasn’t it?_

He tried to ignore his cock, hard and straining against his briefs. But his mind flew back to the sound of tyres on the driveway and the panicked excitement as they ran to the bathroom, impatient to continue. Hot breath turning to cool mist under the shower, and hands and fingers and skin and tongues were everywhere all at once. Their come disappearing down the drain as they stood shivering, only staying upright through sheer stubbornness not to be the first to give in to fatigue. Even sex was a competition. Kyle laughed bitterly.

A loud bang downstairs pulled him out of his fantasies. He adjusted himself to make walking slightly more tolerable and swaddled Cartman’s giant bathrobe around him (bad idea – it just made him think of him more) before descending the stairs slowly. Shari was sat up in the pullout bed of the couch, eyeing the front door uneasily. As Kyle had thought, the bang came from there. Kyle wished he had a baseball bat or something. He motioned for Shari to stay still, not that she was stupid enough to move, and edged along the wall towards the door. 

The letter box flapped open. “Liane, baby, your toyboy’s home.”

“Oh my god,” Kyle cried out. “Kenny?”

“Kyle? Oh man, even better. Get that hot Hebrew heinie over here and let me in. I swear I was joking about Liane – you’re the only one for me!”

Kyle flung open the door and shrank back. “Jesus, Kenny, what happened to you?”

“I know,” he bemoaned touching his skin lightly. “My beautiful, beautiful face.” He spotted Shari on the couch. “Oh dude, Cartman’s been gone barely a day and you’re already onto someone else? Weak.”

“That’s my ex-wife, Kenny,” Kyle growled. “You’d know that if you’d actually turned up to the wedding.”

“Ex, huh?” Kenny leaned against the doorframe with a dashing smile. “Hey baby, how you doin’?”

“Kenny, it’s not 1996 and you look like a troll. Get inside, asshole.”

“Just a sec, let me get Token.”

“Token?”

“You don’t seriously think I walked here all the way from the bus stop? Jesus, Kyle.”

Bus stop? Token? Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. Like there wasn’t enough people in this fucking house to deal with.

*******

_“I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life,” Moze yelled, as his eldest daughter stomped out of the bar ahead of him. “Soliciting in a dive? In South Park of all places? How long have you been doing this, Hadassah? Does your mother know?”_

_She turned back, eyes glistening with tears of hatred. “If you actually paid attention to any of us, you’d know I haven’t spoken to her for years. Or anyone else. I don’t want them to know.”_

_“I’m not surprised. What made you choose such an_ active _career?”_

_“I have a child to provide for.”_

_He put his head in his hands. “You stupid girl. I suppose you don’t know the father, either.”_

_“Actually I do,” she snapped. All she’d had to go on was the fake ID in the wallet she stole. An obviously false name was on it, so she made do with showing the picture around town. Several people easily confirmed the name of the infamous bastard depicted. “Eric Cartman.”_

_Moze trembled._

_Sassy gasped, “You know him?”_

_“No.”_

_“Dad, please. I’ve been trying to find him for years! He needs to know about Adah, even if he’s a dick and doesn’t want anything to do with her.”_

_Moze had no idea if Cartman was the fatherly sort. He didn’t want to give him the chance to find out. He’d lost too many good men to family duty. And he wasn’t about to lose Cartman to anyone, especially not to a daughter that couldn’t keep her legs closed. He was stuck. Unless…_

_“How old is it?”_

_“She’s five and a half.”_

_“And does anyone else know about Eric?”_

_Sassy studied his unhinged expression. “No-one,” she lied. It wasn’t his business if she’d confided in her madame, and his interest in Cartman made her wary. She trusted her father about as far as she could throw him._

_He ran a cold thumb against her rouged cheek. “I’ll find him for you, sweetheart.”_

_Half an hour later, Kyle woke to him brooding in the corner of their hotel room. “Moze?” he murmured sleepily, “Come to bed.”_

_“I need a favour from you.”_

_Kyle sat up and put on his glasses, not that they helped much in the dark. “What is it?”_

_Moze sat beside him and pushed a small envelope into his hand. “Go to the address on this and pick up a girl named Sassy. Take her out, slip the contents in her drink, then get out of there – that’s it.”_

_“What is it?” Kyle rasped, a sick feeling washing over him._

_“A simple roofie. Nothing more. I just need her out of the way for a few hours.”_

_“You promise it’s just a roofie?”_

_Moze kissed his forehead. “Such a cute boy. You’re actually worried about some hooker.” If there was one thing Kyle hated, it was not being taken seriously, and Moze knew it and played that card as often as he could. Kyle was gone and back within the hour._

_In the morning, he was riding Moze’s dick when the police turned up with some polite questions for them. Moze professionally and charmingly persuaded them that he knew nothing of local prostitutes, especially dead ones._

_Sobbing in the bathroom, Kyle lashed out fiercely when Moze came in to comfort him. “Well done darling, you’ve made the first move to becoming boss,” he simpered and laughed at Kyle’s desperate attempts to hit him._

_Kyle’s love for Moze finally petrified into hatred in his heart and his desire to make Moze pay for the innocent blood on his hands was his new reason to become Boss. Eric could wait his turn._

*******

Kyle finally understood Shari and Cartman’s jealousy of Stan as he watched “Uncle Kenny” cheerfully ruffling Addie’s hair. Apparently he’d known about her all along, and had been Cartman’s second go-to after his mother when he found out he had a daughter. He even had his phone number, much to Kyle’s resentment. But he didn’t know anything about Cartman’s dirty dealings with the syndicate, so at least Kyle had that over him. It was just a horrible coincidence that he turned to them for his loans. If it had been known that he was a close personal friend of THE Eric Cartman then he might not have ended up looking like a blobfish.

“You’ve no idea where you were held?”

“I was half-dead when they dragged me to the warehouse,” he shrugged. “Blindfolded when I went to the next place, and when Cartman drove me back.”

“But he’s okay?” Kyle breathed out in relief.

“Sure, he’s been shot at least twice a year since he was twenty. Lucky ass always manages to dodge any vital damage.” He traced a digit across the map still spread on the coffee table. “None of these places look right. We were at least 40 minutes out from the bus stop, hardly any turns. That puts me around here.”

Addie frowned at the area under his finger. “What was the place like?”

“Closet was big and white. Dressing table. Bathroom adjacent. Bedroom was mostly white too. Some red and black but not a lot.”

“Was there a leaky faucet?”

“Yeah dude, drove me fucking nuts. Guy that rich you’d think he’d get a plumber out, right?”

“That’s the second penthouse,” Addie clapped. “It’s on Tatum Road.” Kenny found it immediately on the map.

Kyle was already marching up the stairs. A sleepy Stan stopped him at the top. “Woah woah, where are you going?”

“Find Cartman.”

“You know nothing about these guys. Cartman left his kid alone overnight rather than get her near them, what does that tell you?”

Kyle gritted his teeth. “That I’m going alone.”

“No way am I letting you do that.”

“You’re definitely not going, Stan, you have a kid to think of.”

“Yeah? You have two.”

Kyle looked back down the stairs at Shari and Addie. He shook his head with a smile. “I never could argue with you. That’s what Cartman was for.”

Stan brushed his hair back in relief. “So what now?”

Kyle pondered. “I vote _we_ all go. The girls can stay here.”

“That’s sexist,” Addie sulked from on Kenny’s lap.

“No it’s not.” Kenny patted her back. “Cartman would kill us for bringing you, and the other two are preggo.”

She crossed her arms. “I’m going too. Or I’ll do the thing.”

Kenny gasped in horror and Kyle mirrored her arms defiantly. “You will _not_ do the thing.”

Shari dared to ask, “What’s the thing?”

A few minutes later, they all filed out of the house, their ears ringing painfully.

*******

_Moze whistled jovially as he entered the warehouse, eager to see the day’s earnings. “Boss, Boss, come see,” shouted one of his men from the other side. A crowd of them had gathered and when he approached, his world fell apart._

_“What is that?”_

_“Hey Boss,” Cartman grinned, tightly hugging the little girl in his lap. “Look what I made!”_

_“Get it out of here.”_

_“Aw Boss,” said one of the men. “She’s so cute though!”_

_“And talented,” Cartman sniffed haughtily. “You forgot talented. Honey, show the Boss Plan Alpha.”_

_The child screwed up her face and began to sob theatrically, “I can’t find my daddy…”_

_Cartman planted a kiss on her temple. “Beautiful.”_

_Moze seethed. “We don’t have bring your kid to work day here, Eric, and for good reason.”_

_“She’s fine, we’re fine. You got too much sand in your vagina, B.S.”_

_The men sniggered and Moze stormed out, raging that his plan hadn’t worked out. Eric even refused to sleep with him that night because of some nonsense about wanting to spend time with her. He hadn’t fucked him for weeks and had never been refused before. Suddenly there were “no’s” in the air, just like he’d feared. When he ranted to Kyle later in Connecticut, his despair fell on unsympathetic and delighted ears._

*******

Cartman hadn’t expected such a warm reception on his return. Kyle had almost launched into him and wound his arms as far around his middle as they would go. “You came back.”

“Said I would,” Cartman huffed, gently peeling Kyle away. “But now I gotta go.”

“What? I’ve not seen you for weeks.” He teased Cartman’s shirt collar. “I’ve not _had_ you for weeks.”

“And I told you, my shoulder’s fucked up. One wrong move and it’ll open up. I can think of better ways to spend my night than bleeding out on your mattress.”

Kyle purred, “I’ll be gentle.”

“Jesus,” Cartman pushed him back. “Even your dad understood a no when he got one.”

“Don’t bring _him_ up.”

Cartman turned to walk out the door. “I really don’t give a shit about your daddy issues, B.J.”

“Don’t. Call me. That,” Kyle hissed. “Get on the fucking bed.”

“The fuck is your problem? So it’s been a few weeks. You can’t wait a few more days? Not like you don’t have a plethora of ass to choose from out there.”

“It’s different with you, Eric. You know that. I love you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

And so Cartman found himself in Kyle’s, _his Kyle’s_ , place on that driveway years ago staring down at his teenage self. The parallel was overwhelming and only now did he truly understand Kyle’s reaction that day way back when. Why he treated him the way he did. The way he knew deep down he deserved.

He looked at the other Kyle, quivering in front of him with tears spilling over his lashes; manipulative or genuine, he didn’t know. But he couldn’t do this anymore. “Kyle, you don’t know what love is.”

Love was _his Kyle_ bringing him breakfast in bed, kissing his hands as he revealed his life story in their bed, holding a sleeping Addie in the car and gazing at her as if she were his own. Love was Cartman not wanting to drag him into this underworld. Love was leaving his most precious baby girl behind to a better future.

“If you loved me… you’d let me go.”

Kyle snarled in disgust, “Don’t stand there and spit clichés at me Eric. Get on the bed.”

“You’ll make me?” He flicked out Addie’s penknife from his jeans. 

There was a low chuckle as Kyle moved aside his jacket lapel to reveal an occupied holster. “I didn’t think you were dumb enough to bring a knife to a gunfight.” He lifted out the pistol and pointed at the bed. “Now, what was it you used to say as kid? Respect my authority?”

“Respect mah authoritah, actually. Got to say it right or there’s no point.” He dropped the knife and held up his hands, moving back towards the bed. “So this is how you want the one you love? At gunpoint. Romantic, I got to say.”

Kyle began to shrug off his jacket. “If you didn’t insist on fawning all over that ginger bastard all week, flaunting him at me, and then turning me down, it wouldn’t have to be like this. You’ve gone out of your way to insult me. And all I’ve ever done is support your nonsense. Love you and protect you from those that wanted you gone after what you did to Moze.”

“You say that like it wasn’t the best thing that ever happened to you.” Cartman’s eyes caught Kyle’s finger falter on the trigger. It was enough of a break in concentration for him. He brought his hand forward to strike the gun out of his grip but weak as Kyle was in comparison, Cartman’s shoulder put him at a disadvantage. The gun twisted between them and a shot rang out. They both slumped back onto the bed as Kyle’s men burst through the door in confusion at the scene laid before them.

*******

Token’s girlfriend was a stereotypical soccer mom and they all easily crammed into her minivan. Stan and Wendy took up the rear, Shari, Addie and Kyle wedged in the middle and Kenny in front with Token driving and regretting how he always gave in to these damn white people’s pleas. “If I die out here just because I’m black, I’m going to be so pissed off, guys.”

“You’ll be fine Token,” Kenny grinned, wincing when his lip split again.

“I mean it. It’s always the black guy. Even my girlfriend’s…” he tapped at the steering wheel. “Never mind.”

Kyle groaned, “Oh shit Token, I forgot about the 7-11.” Kenny’s eyes widened, but he stayed silent. 

“What happened?” Wendy tentatively asked.

“Token’s girlfriend,” said Shari, staring out at the night. “Her eldest boy was shot nearly two years ago. We were there, by coincidence. Not that I could do anything to help.”

“You did your best,” Kyle said firmly.

Token sighed. “I’m just being paranoid. Just because he was the only black guy and the only death. I mean, Christ, it’s not like anyone orchestrated the whole thing.”

“Yeah, and don’t worry, I’m way more likely to die than you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Gut feeling,” Kenny gave him a winning smile. But the mood stayed sombre in the car and he turned around in his seat to whisper to Kyle. “Hey, so let me get this straight, we’re going on a road trip with your pregnant ex-wife to rescue your boyfriend, and we’re bringing your best friend and his wife who you also knocked up.”

Kyle blushed. Trust Kenny to know about that. “That’s about it, yeah.” 

Kenny turned back with a hoot. “Can I just say this is the best car ride I’ve been on that didn’t end with Cartman kissing me?”

“HE FUCKING WHAT?” Kyle grabbed at him.

“Relax!” Kenny laughed harder, batting his furious hands away. “It was a Super Best Friend Kiss of No-Homo.”

Shari scoffed beside Kyle, “Why does that sound like something you and Stan would do?

The pair of them giggled nervously.

“There!” Addie shouted. “That’s the turning.” Token pulled in at her instructions. Kyle looked up at the top of the building. The second penthouse, so called because it was the second the Boss ever bought. Kyle was curious just how many he had.

“Now what?” Stan whispered in awe. Kyle held out his arm to squeeze Addie’s hand in his. She squeezed back and wished Clyde Frog would tell her what to do now.

*******

Getting shot wasn’t like all the movies he watched as a kid. Hero or not, you didn’t just walk it off. Adrenalin only helped you so far. His body curled up feeling sorry for itself and he was fully aware of resembling a dying bug the way his limbs folded in, instinctively trying to preserve what was left of his organs. Actually, he was riding luck once again; the bullet having sailed past everything important and stopping short of his one and only kidney. His real problem was the burning pain and the very likely possibility of bleeding to death because Kyle was unconstructively crying next to him, convinced he was already dead. Then there was the shouting, Kyle’s men, desperate to hide their tracks as usual.

“Leave him Boss. We’ll do something about the body later.”

“We’ll come back in an hour, he’ll be long gone by then.”

“You call the meds and they’ll bring the cops, Boss!”

“Eric, Eric, I’m so sorry…”

 _Like hell you are. Bastards. All of you._ He couldn’t speak, couldn’t even see – his eyes were cemented shut through tears of pain. The heat in his body was turning cold. Not good.

He felt a sheet being pulled over his weakening body. Kyle was still sobbing apologies, how he had to think of the gang, would always love him, _yada yada yada_. Cartman didn’t want all that shit to be the last thing he heard.

No, no he couldn’t die now. He had years of irritating people left in him. And he was pretty certain Hadassah would be waiting for him in the afterlife, steaming mad that he abandoned their girl over a puny stomach injury.

The room went dark and the door locked. Cartman clung to the sheets, determined not to ebb away so easily.

*******

The Boss rearranged his suit to cover the blood on his shirt. “You go ahead. Someone’s bound to have heard the shot. It’s best to split up.”

They nodded, but one dared to speak up. “Boss, you’re not going back in there right?”

His glasses flashed in the harsh fluorescent hall light as he raised his head. “Of course not. I’ll not put my men at risk.” But he could feel his resolve cracking. “For goodness sake, he was just a fuck,” he reminded them, and himself. “And now, he’s just a corpse. I’ll take the elevator and wait it out at a bar or something.” He certainly needed a drink right now.

“We’ll head to one of the other rooms. If we all pile out of here it’s gonna look suspicious.”

The Boss smiled. More like they wanted to stay and make sure he didn’t crawl back to Cartman. He wouldn’t anyway. He couldn’t bear to sit there just watching him die.

_You deserved better than this. You’ll never know it Eric, but you saved me from him._

A shiver wracked him and he made his way down the hall.

*******

Every jolt of every elevator floor made Kyle feel all the more sick. There had been a gunshot, it sounded like a gunshot, somewhere above. Was Cartman involved? The mere thought; bile welled up in his throat. The small hand still tightly held in his flexed in agitation.

The doors finally opened and they all, minus Stan and Wendy, bundled out. They had stayed with the car, sensibly. Wendy was in no condition to be roaming around, especially within a precarious situation like this. And Token was terrified something would happen to his girlfriend’s car. “Thanks Token,” she’d called out after them sarcastically. “Nice to know you’re so worried about us.”

Kyle kind of wished she was here; Wendy could be pretty badass when she wanted and being pregnant had dialled her up to eleven. But he was far more relaxed knowing she and Stan were out of harm’s way. He just wished he could have persuaded Shari and Addie to remain behind too. But Addie had immediately set her teeth ready to scream again, and Shari looked as though she was considering the same tack.

They were eerily similar, Kyle realised.

Addie pressed closer to him as they walked past a man in the hall, possibly a resident. He kept his head low to avoid the adults’ gaze. But Addie would have recognised those glasses anywhere. She stayed silent, keeping him in her sight until Kyle pulled her along.

“Locked,” said Token ahead of them at the door.

“Amateurs,” Kenny smiled, whipping out a crowbar.

Token yelped, “Is that from my car? You dick!” Kenny jimmied open the door and stepped inside alone to scout. A few seconds passed then everything seemed to happen all at once.

Kenny made a distressed noise, running back out of the apartment. Addie turned to look back down the hall at the Boss. He ran for the fire escape at the sound of Kenny’s yell. Addie broke from Kyle’s hand and pursued. All Kyle could do was stare at Kenny’s bloodied hands. Shari ran inside, doctor-mode in full surge, with Token following.

Then lucidity kicked in for Kyle. He wanted to go inside the apartment, be with Cartman, because it might be the last time.

But Cartman would beat the crap out of him if he did anything other than chase Addie.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a mistake with the previous chapter - the last section is actually the first section of this chapter. So if you read the last one before yesterday, that might be why the first part looks familiar.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed. I would never have completed this without your encouragement.
> 
> I’m sure people will get to the end of this story and be incredulous at the connections made between people. And maybe it is going a bit too far but this story has been partly inspired by my real life (though nowhere near as dramatic). According to the South Park wiki, the population of the town is just over 4,000. The town I grew up in had a population of 25,000. And yet these things happened:
> 
> I went home to see my family for Christmas. My aunt’s new husband was there with his daughter and her boyfriend and their child. She is several years younger than me and went to a different school and yet her boyfriend was not only from my school and year, but we were semi-friends for our last year.
> 
> The following year I went home and met my uncle’s other daughter (only a few years younger than me). She was divorced from another guy from my year that I was friends with. The two guys were also friends with each other at school but lost touch in college. They both had relationships with the sisters completely independent of one another and didn’t meet until the wedding.
> 
> The year after that I met my aunt’s best friend who was dating (and still is) my friend who was in the year above me at school and I haven’t seen him since college.
> 
> A few years ago my sister met and is now engaged to a guy who was the year below me at school. He was friends with one of my friends and I had no idea until recently when we happened to be talking about people we knew at school.

Kyle didn’t need to ask why Addie was running after this guy. He trusted her judgement. But it was awkward running with her down the stairs, trying to be fast enough to catch the culprit but not so fast he left her behind. Not to mention dragging her toy behind her was slowing them down. He could pick her up and carry her, but that risked falling. He fell into an odd lollop beside her. They rushed the fire escape doors, leaving the sound of blaring alarms to dull and surveyed the area.

He was already across the parking lot, getting into a car. Stan was sprawled on the ground, rubbing his head. He must have tried to stop him, Kyle thought, relieved that he’d only been pushed. Wendy was beside him trying to drag him out of the path of the car. Kyle ran to help. 

Then Addie stood in front of them protectively, holding Clyde Frog aloft. “What are you doing?” Kyle shrieked at her. “Ads, get out of the way!”

The Boss swerved past them. He had enough blood on his conscience for one night. He just wanted to get out of there. A flash of green at the windshield brought his foot down on the brakes. Before he could even interpret what it was, the car door was flung open and he was dragged to the floor. A fist grabbed at his collar and another lifted above his face.

And stopped. “Wait, Kyle?!”

He flinched at his cousin’s hurt face. He’d wanted to see that expression for so long, that vile penetrating devastation etched on his stupid perfection. But not from this. Not by losing Eric.

Addie appeared at Kyle’s side, hugging the battered Clyde Frog. Kyle dropped his arms from his attack, instead lifted the two of them up gently. “Stay away from my family. All of them,” he spat.

The blaring fire alarms and wail of sirens turning into the lot, the confused commotion of sleepy residents thronging outside their home and the rushing of blood in Kyle’s ears were nothing compared to the deafening gentle sobs of his daughter as she nuzzled into his neck.

*******

Kenny watched over the scene with immense satisfaction. Token was staying close to him just in case the police thought he was involved somehow. Shari was by the doors, discussing Cartman’s condition with big medical words as the crew tried to haul Cartman into the back of the ambulance. Wendy continued to fuss over her husband, even though he only had a few stitches in his forehead. Addie was trying to convince an EMT to sew up Clyde Frog’s injuries.

And there was also Kyle, who hadn’t moved from Cartman’s side since he was brought down.

“How you doing, dude?” Kenny clapped him on the back.

He smiled at the contact. “Better than Cartman.”

Shari joined them. “He’s not lost as much blood as we feared. The bullet was a nice little plug. It might have travelled all the way through if he wasn’t…” she searched for a polite term.

“A fatass,” said Kenny and Kyle.

Shari disguised her laugh with a cough. “I was going to say heavy-set.”

“Looks like they’ll be sticking a needle in you when you get to the hospital,” Kenny warned Kyle. He nodded. They were the only two people in South Park with the same blood type, unless Addie was part of that now. Kenny smacked his back again. “We’ll catch up in Token’s car.”

“Anyone coming with this guy?” an EMT asked from the ambulance.

“Me, me!” Addie hopped up into the back.

“It’s okay,” said Kyle at their confusion. “He’s her dad.”

“That’s fine, but she’ll need an adult. Who are you?”

Addie appeared back at the door. “My other dad,” she said simply and Kyle had to force the lump down in his throat as he clambered in beside her.

*******

The hollow sound of a basketball hitting concrete permeated through the warm May breeze. Kyle was sat on the ground, enjoying a cool bottle of water when a shadow passed over his face. “One-on-one, Jew?”

He smiled up at the cause. “No,” he teased. “I always beat the crap out of you and then you run home like a bitch.”

“Wow, so rude.” Cartman pulled him up and Kyle instantly melted against his body as his face was cradled. “Just wanted to make you look less of a loser playing by yourself.” Cartman thread his fingers through the irresistibly bushy curls and bruised his lips with a kiss, sighing longingly.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m dead, aren’t I?”

“Not even slightly,” Kyle smiled. “You’re dreaming.”

“Thank fuck. I knew things were a little too PG-13 for Heaven.”

“Like you’d ever get into Heaven.”

“Good point.”

Kyle licked at his mouth, “We doing this or not, fatass?” To Cartman’s dismay he pulled away with a brazen wink. “Or maybe you’d prefer the real thing.”

Cartman’s eyes fluttered open. Everything ached. But aching was good. Dead people didn’t ache. There was a familiar hum of hospital machines resonating in the background. He quirked his head and saw an empty box of chocolates on the cupboard next to his bed. The vase that cost ‘tree-fiddy’ with Clyde Frog stuck inside _in lieu_ of flowers. Beyond them, Kyle curled up on a chair that was too small to accommodate his gangly limbs. And next to him was Addie, pulling her ushanka down over her forehead and frowning thoughtfully.

Cartman tried to raise his arm to remove his oxygen mask. She jumped up at the movement and helped him. “Morning, Dad!”

“Hey honey. What were you doing? With your hat.”

“Oh that.” She patted it down again. “Just seeing what life would be like with pink eyebrows.”

He stared at her for a long while. “Sweetie, you really love dancing along that fine line between insanity and genius, don’t you?” She beamed at him, hauling his arm around her shoulders for a hug. He kissed her head and mumbled into her hair, “How long I been out?”

“Several weeks. Though actually you’ve woken up before now,” Kyle yawned, interrupting their moment not that either really minded. He stretched his arm out, dislodging his hat.

“Your Jewfro’s coming back,” Cartman nodded approvingly. “Looks good.”

Kyle rolled his eyes. “You say that every time you wake up.”

“I do?”

“We’ve had the same conversation at least five times,” Kyle smiled sadly. “You never remember.”

“Well shit,” said Cartman.

“The doctor says it won’t last forever,” said Addie encouragingly. “You can come home in time for Halloween.”

 _Home_ , thought Cartman. That word shouldn’t hurt more than a bullet but it did.

Kyle dug into his pocket for some change. “Ads, why don’t you go get a soda or something.” She took the hint, and the money, and went skipping out the room. “Don’t worry,” Kyle added before Cartman could protest. “Liane’s wandering around out there. She won’t be left alone. Speaking of which.” Kyle punched his arm.

“Jesus Christ, what the fuck’s that for?”

“Trying to be noble, you schmuck.” Kyle kissed him.

Cartman murmured weakly, “Then what was _that_ for?”

“Same reason.”

“Fuck you run hot and cold, don’t you?” Wait, if they kept having the same conversations over and over… just how many times had this asshole hit him? He frowned until Kyle handed him a small picture. “What’s that?” Cartman asked, even though from the grey blob it was obvious.

“Ultrasound. Three months, almost.”

“Got your nose.”

“That’s a hand, you asshole.” Kyle smiled as Cartman gazed with conflicted feelings at the picture. “Cartman… there’s a lot of shit going on right now, and you’ve missed most of it. And I hid a lot from you before because I was… well, I was scared you’d run. And I’d tell you everything right now – I did the first time you woke – but you forgot and I’m scared you’ll probably forget again.” He leant across the bed, taking Cartman’s hand and the picture in his own. “All you need to know is that I love you and you’re stuck with me.” He looked down shyly. “If you want me?”

Cartman wanted to laugh. It was such a stupid question to him. “Hella yeah.”

“Don’t say hella, Cartman,” Kyle chided, kissing him again.

*******

Wendy was right about otters. They really were just dog-cats that lived in water. Cartman looked down at the baby carrier on his chest. “Your mom’s pretty smart. Maybe being raised by hippies won’t be so bad, huh?” The occupant wiped her nose into her sleeve and Cartman turned away from the exhibit. Being unemployed meant he was Wendy and Stan’s first port of call when it came to baby-sitting. Not that he minded. Once he got over the initial shock over her parentage, he found it all hilarious.

“Kahl, I always knew you’d have a baby with Stan, I just didn’t think it would be this complicated.”

Today he had decided on a few hours at the zoo with her, just to occupy his mind and because he’d missed out when Addie went, over half a year ago. And hanging around his mother’s house was torture when Kyle was at work (now upgraded to pharm. tech. since the old one left and pulling in the overtime) especially since Addie had started school. 

It was a weekday and too cold for field trips, so the two of them practically had the entire place to themselves. It occurred to him that in just a couple of months he might be dragging two babies around town. Shit.

After they had all slowly worked out that Addie’s surname was more than a mere coincidence, Shari had grown closer to him. He was the father of her niece after all, which admittedly was disturbing as he was dating her ex-husband and father to her yet-to-be-born boy. ‘Six Degrees of Kosher Bacon’ Cartman called it and the whole thing smacked of a Jerry Springer episode. They tried not to talk about it.

But having agreed on no more secrets in their relationship, Cartman confessed about killing Moze to Kyle. Stunned but supportive, Kyle knew he’d just been protecting his daughter and they decided that some secrets had to stay between them, at least for Shari and Addie’s sake. Shari was devastated enough over her sister. As far as they both knew, Moze was dead and Cartman didn’t know how or why.

Cartman leisurely strolled to a concession stand for a snack, determined to take advantage of a few minutes’ peace whilst the baby slept.

“You forgot your lunch. Again. What am I to do with you?”

His stomach lurched at the voice and – against all sense – he followed it to the face-painting booth. Clyde Donovan was sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck, taking a paper bag from a shorter, slimmer man with tight brown curls and black-rimmed glasses. “Thanks for bringing it. I’ve been bored as fuck anyway. Hardly anyone’s here. I don’t even know why I set up today.”

“Because if even one punter shows up, you’ll be happy. You’re a people person, you can’t help it.”

“I sure as hell wouldn’t survive in your office. Holed up in a booth tapping at a computer.”

Kyle laughed, “Hardly fun for me either. But a lot better than my previous job.” He blinked at Clyde looking over his shoulder. “What is it?”

“Holy shit, that’s Eric Cartman. I heard from Bebe he was in town but…”

Kyle spun around in time to see Cartman’s retreating form. “Clyde, I’ll see you later.” He pecked his boyfriend’s cheek and ran after Cartman. “Eric, wait!”

“If you want a ‘thank you’ for footing the hospital bill – fuck you, it was the least you could do, especially as we didn’t press charges,” Cartman huffed, but not getting very far very quickly because he was laden down by a baby and a still delicate body.

“I want to make reparations. I need to speak to you about Moze.”

The baby started to grizzle from all the shaking around and it didn’t do to upset her. Cartman gave in. He wrapped his arms around her, bouncing lightly and petting the dark hair, and turned to Kyle now at his side. “I already know he’s not your dad.” 

Kyle gazed at him evenly. “And your daughter’s grandfather.” Cartman nodded slowly. Kyle’s bottom lip curled under his teeth. “Did you know _he_ knew it too?”

“No.” Cartman unblinkingly searched the sky, unable to say anything more articulate. “Maybe…” he looked back at Kyle. “Maybe we do need to talk.”

*******

“It’s completely selfish and stupid and irresponsible and cruel and… no I want better words than that.” The little boy watched mutely as his ranting companion tucked her hair behind her ears so she could root unsuccessfully through her dictionary. “Forget it.” She looked him over carefully. “I know _why_ they’re doing it. But you’ve only been here a few weeks. They’re not even considering your feelings.”

He shrugged shyly, squeezing the Clyde Frog she kindly leant him to help with his anxiety.

Settling into his new home had been frightening, especially as there were so many new people to know. It wasn’t just his new foster parents Stan and Wendy, or his new little sister – it felt like half the town were somehow his family.

The girl nibbled her thumbnail unhappily. “It can’t be helped. It’s my dad’s thirtieth birthday and I _guess_ that’s important. But I mean really, once you’re old you’re old, why bother celebrating anymore?”

He giggled, timidly taking her hand when she offered it. “Don’t worry,” she told him. “If you get scared you can come back up to your room to hide and I’ll stay with you. Besides it’s only a small party. Dad doesn’t like fuss. You’ve not met him right?”

He shook his head.

“He’s a total asshole,” she grinned. “You’ll love him.”

*******

“Has he left checkout yet?”

Cartman looked at his phone. “Any time now, Boss.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“Sorry Sis.”

“Or that.”

“Shaz?”

“ _Definitely_ don’t call me that,” said Shari, leaning against the taxi. 

“But reps. have to suck up. Especially to big fancy doctors.”

“Yes, I got you your job but you don’t _actually_ work for me.” It had been a no-brainer really. Being a pharmaceutical rep. made sense for Cartman. He was so manipulative and charming he could sell apologies to Britons. He’d done well at their conference at least. Right now they were just waiting on someone else who happened to be on another flight. A dear friend who wanted to spend the July Fourth weekend with them.

A loud holler from the airport entrance got their attention immediately. “Hey, bromo!”

“White trash!” Cartman grinned, yanking Kenny into a hug.

“Shari, looking Le Sexie as usual,” he purred at her.

“A pleasure to see you, Kenneth, as always.” Shari sounded anything but pleased. “Who’s that with you?”

“Oh, Mr. Happy here?” said Kenny, patting the sullen blond tween stood behind him on the head. “Well, I’m such a royal slut it was bound to catch up with me sooner or later. I had a little ‘nightstand’ of my own back in school it turns out. Say hi, buddy.”

The boy pushed his hand away. “I’m not your buddy, pal.” 

“Oh my god Kenny!” Cartman gasped in horror. “Not a _Canadian_!”

*******

Cartman was embarrassed as hell, but begrudgingly let Kyle drag him into Stan and Wendy’s house for their surprise joint Independence-birthday party barbeque. They had already celebrated his official birthday ( _privately_ ) on the actual day, before Cartman went on his business trip with Shari. Cartman had rather been hoping for some more _private_ celebrations, but it was July Fourth weekend and he supposed he should spend it with family and friends.

Suddenly, he had a lot of those and they were all here, amongst others. His mother and daughter and boyfriend; Wendy and Stan and their two children; Kenny and his newfound offspring; Token and his fiancée and her three boys; finally of course Shari and her lamentably red-haired son. Going from a single-parent home to all this was sometimes overwhelming. But he was getting used to it. Having a job where he could travel and escape helped a lot.

In the end, the party wasn’t so bad, really. Except for Kenny’s kid taking after his old man and flirting with his daughter the entire time, and she seemed to be enjoying the attention. “I’m gonna punch that kid in the dick,” he told Kyle.

“You can’t punch a little kid, especially in the dick.”

“Then I’ll teach Addie how.”

Kyle chuckled. “I’m sure she could work it out for herself.”

Cartman’s real worry should have been the little boy watching Kenny’s son with growing jealousy and intermittently whispering to his Clyde Frog.

*******

“Speech,” Kyle yelled after a few too many beers.

Cartman reluctantly stood up. “Ugh, fine. Even though we all know speeches are gay…”

“Not as gay as you!” someone shouted from the back.

“Thanks Kenny, I love you too. Anyway uh…” He drummed his fingers on the table. “Twelve years ago I left South Park because it sucked and there was nothing here for me. But it kept dragging me back. And every time it did, I realised that places don’t suck, people do. And the people in my life, right here, right now, don’t suck.”

“Not what I’ve heard!” yelled Kenny and ducked as Kyle threw a tipsy punch at him in reply. Everyone ignored them.

Cartman decided to wrap up. “Anyway, life is weird but beautiful. And so are all of you.” He looked up at Kyle, wrestling Kenny into a headlock. “Some people… are weirder than others.”

_And more beautiful._

*******

Cartman sat on the bench, Kyle laying his head on his lap as they passed a soda between them, enjoying the last few rays of the magenta sunset. Cartman was enjoying his favourite pastime of combing his fingers through Kyle’s curls. “Hey Cartman, I was thinking about something.”

“Yeah?”

“You know how we changed Addie’s last name to Solomon-Cartman, for when she started school to make things easier for files and registration and all that.”

Cartman sipped slowly. “Go on…”

“Well, I dunno.” Kyle took back the can, awkwardly trying to drink lying down. “I guess I feel a bit weird being the only person at home not called Cartman.”

“So go to court and change your name then.”

Kyle’s eyes twinkled as he gave Cartman a winsome smile. “Actually I was thinking of a more fun way to change it.”

“You mean a more expensive way.” Cartman shook his head. Trust Kyle to propose without actually proposing. “It’d be strange though, right? You couldn’t call me Cartman anymore, ‘cause that’d be you too.”

“I think I could live with that. _Eric_.” Kyle sat up and tugged him into a kiss, smirking at the sound of the soda can hitting the floor.

*******

_It was the last straw, it really was. She’d run out of pretty much everything she needed for the baby and had been up all night working. Her roommates were too busy to help and so she found herself tearing around the general store trying to find all the things she needed. And she couldn’t leave the baby behind because she had colic and just wouldn’t stop crying. Madame said it was disturbing everyone. She couldn’t rely on her generosity forever. If she wasn’t careful she’d be thrown out on her ass._

 _Shopping finally over, she went to cross the street and, her vision blocked by the baby and bags of groceries, her heel snapped into a drain. She blinked up at the sky, as it dawned on her that she’d fallen over. At least the baby was alright, pressed against her chest. She’d abandoned the bags in favour of protecting her. “At least I have_ some _maternal instincts,” she sighed._

_“Jesus, are you okay?”_

_She batted away the stranger’s hand. “I’m fine.”_ Just immensely embarrassed. _She looked up at the young man, wearing a green ushanka that failed to hide the red curls cascading around his friendly face._

_He brightened at the sight of the squalling child. “Hey, what a cutie! Hi there, don’t be sad.” He offered a finger for her to grab._

_The baby went quiet as she gnawed at his knuckle. Her mother looked down at the large blue eyes, mesmerised by the boy. “Wow, I’ve never seen her like this. You must be good with kids.”_

_“Let’s hope so. I want to be a paediatrician. Me and my fiancée.”_

_“Fiancée?” She looked at the ring on his other hand._

_“I know I know, everyone says it’s too soon. But some people have to be lucky enough to meet ‘the one’ when they’re still kids, right?” he beamed._

_She shrugged, still marvelling at the dumbstruck girl in her arms._

_“Sure you don’t want any help? She’s in the car around the corner. We can drop you somewhere.”_

_“No thanks.” What would they say pulling up to a brothel? Or even near one._

_“Okay then. If you’re really sure.” He gave a tiny wave to the little girl. “Bye bubby.”_

_Sassy laughed as he disappeared past the pharmacy and around the corner. “Bubby.” It never occurred to her to call Adah that. “Nice boy. He’ll be a good dad someday.” She picked the groceries back up and cuddled the yawning child. “Come on bubby, let’s go home.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now a little more about the story. Jesus titty-fucking Christ this was hard work. My next fic is going to be more free-form because I died a little doing this. I’m seriously, there are so many notes. Much respect to writers who do this regularly, particularly Terry Pratchett who wrote entire worlds whilst suffering from Alzheimer’s. That said, I’m sure I left great big plot holes and gaps, so apologies.
> 
> Random Facts about the process:
> 
> There were a few nods to the original movie, including Addie and Moze, Tatum Road, and also some jokes and lines related to my favourite shows and books – Watership Down, Blackadder etc.
> 
> About halfway through writing this, even though I had most of the plot down, I became torn over the ending, and intended to kill Cartman off and have Shari and Kyle raise Addie. But I’m a sucker for a happy ending, and also I really like Shari and I felt bad for her. Torturing OCs is fun, but making her raise her niece with a husband mourning his true love is too tragic for my gay little heart to handle
> 
> I really fucking snookered myself by having two characters named Kyle. And it was going to be worse because for a long time that was Boss’s name too. But early on I thought it would be too much, and also creepy for Shari to have a dad and husband with the same name
> 
> I hate naming OCs, so wherever possible they are not named. Shari, ironically, is from American Dad, co-created by Cartman’s nemesis Seth McFarlane. It’s never stated but Cartman’s fanboy was called Marcus. Mr. Rosenberg is Esther’s uncle, but neither is of any importance, nor is their connection – I got Esther from Hadassah (two names for the same important figure in Judaism)
> 
> The only reason Shari has a little brother is for the Mitzvah scenario, though I realised too late that Moze could easily have met Schwartz at Shari’s own Mitzvah. The madame was going to be a friend of Liane’s but it never came up so she has little bearing on the story other than exposition for Addie
> 
> I really enjoyed Disney and if Kyle and Cartman could ever afford to go you can bet they would wear matching pink Princess Protection Agency t-shirts, to Addie’s eternal embarrassment
> 
> Addie is only ever called that in the movie, so I went in search of Hebrew names for which it could be a shortening. I was torn between Adah and Hadassah, and in the end I gave the second to her mother, who originally was never going to have a name. It worked out great for me because it made writing a lot easier
> 
> Addie’s birthday is February 15th, the same as my best friend. I don’t think he was conceived at prom…
> 
> In my personal head-canon, Kyle is only slightly shorter than Cartman, but he doesn’t look it because his (normal) hair gives an optical illusion of extra height and Cartman hunches a lot. I wrote that Kyle has freckles, but being a day-walker they’re not very noticeable
> 
> It’s not mentioned but Cartman manscapes for his ‘overtime’ at work
> 
> Kyle wonders about Cartman and Butter’s relationship. Considering Cartman lost his virginity to Hadassah and ran away a few months later, you can decide for yourself whether or not anything happened in those few months
> 
> I never got around to working it in but Cartman and Addie rarely watch TV, except at his mother’s house and even then they prefer playing video games, so they have library cards for when they’re on the move and that’s how they picked up so much knowledge about various things like cooking and monsters
> 
> I wanted to have Schwartz tell Cartman about Moze because I felt sad that he’d spend his life feeling guilty about killing Addie’s grandfather. Do Shari and Addie ever find out? Yes, but much later on, and after the initial shock are actually relieved when they consider the circumstances
> 
> Any other questions, please comment or send me a message. Thank you again for your lovely words, my petals.


End file.
